Oh My, Antonia: Kid-Tested, MILF-Approved, Wins Both Challenges

Buh-Bye Black Sheep: Mark Simmons Confirms That the Kiwi Is Indeed a Flightless Bird

Amuse-Biatch Answers Possum Query #2

Another possum wrote in to ask, "Where did Miss XaXa get her name?"

And here are Eartha Kitt & Bronski Beat to answer the question.

Amuse-Biatch Answers Possum Query #1

Possums, let's face it, shall we? The most recent episode was dull, dull, dull--for, oddly enough, the participants appeared to enjoy themselves more than we in the audience did.

This generally violates the rules of reality television, and left us, as you no doubt have noted, very little to work with. We are therefore turning to answer your queries and questions, possums, insofar as we are able.

Without further ado, then, let us turn to Possum Query #1: Is Stephanie Izard a lesbian?

Judging by the number of you who have inquired, the question has been weighing on your minds. Miss XaXa comes down firmly on the side of "nope, straight girl." We, on the other hand, are not so sure. Needless to say, we don't know, but all we can say is, Look at the evidence and decide.

Ahoy, MFMatey!: The Return of Brian MFMalarkey

Reading and writing about Casey "Beaver Boots" Thompson, and then turning our gaze to the current season's mostly lusterless roster of cheftestants, made us, we confess, ache with nostalgia for Season 3.

In fact, so dire is our nostalgia that we even began wondering about one of our all-time favorites, Brian "Asshat" MFMalarkey, who managed to combine Spike Mendelsohn's penchant for repellent headwear with Ryan Scott's prettiness, loquacity and smarm. Indeed, the fact that it takes two of this season's cheftestants to gather up the personality of one cheftestant from last season may say all that needs to be said.

Imagine our bliss, possums, when we discovered that MFMalarkey has started to post videos of himself on YouTube. One occasionally reads about drug users dying from taking heroin that is too pure and unadulterated, and we feared the same might happen to us after viewing this clip. It's all there--the not-to-be-believed hats, the loquacity, the smarm, the self-regard, the preposterous homoeroticism, and, as a bonus, a laugh so maniacal that it might have come from the very attic of Mr. Rochester's house in Jane Eyre. Enjoy!

Casey Thompson’s Beaver Boots Will Walk All Over You (and the Riffraff)

Beaver Boots is back, possums, and how we've missed her.

Last season, as is our wont, we needled and teased and mocked Casey Thompson, but she had a good sense of humor and, after reading the blog, rolled with the punches. She definitely earned our respect and admiration, and was extremely gracious to (beaver) boot when our own Miss XaXa and The Big Shamu of The Karmic Kitchen went to Dallas and dropped in on her.

And now, in a new interview on Slashfood, Casey is, appropriately enough, doing a little slashing herself:

What do you think about this season of Top Chef? Are you watching?

I'm supposed to be blogging this season, but I have not have time. I've tried to sit down and watch the first couple shows. The third and fourth I could not get to. I was a little disgusted by their behavior. There are some really strong chefs but I also think there is a lot of riff-raff that they need to get through – those that don't seem to have the experience. They may have worked for some restaurant in New York City, but it may not have even been good. For some, I can't believe what they came up with, and I can't believe they haven't been eliminated yet. But I think that eventually once those clear out we are going to see some really good cooking from some of the better contestants.

Putting our Spelling Bee-atch cap on, we thought we detected a mistake. Isn't "riffraff" actually spelled "N-I-K-K-I C-A-S-C-O-N-E"?

Amuse-Biatch Asks Raggaydy Andy, Ever So Gently and with Great Concern, “Is There Anything You’d Like to Tell Us?”

Possums, have you ever been present when someone says something that makes you feel as though you walked in on them while they were wearing a Freudian slip and garter belt and had an open can of Crisco on the Jungian nightstand of their subconscious?

That is just how we felt when we read today's installment of Andy Cohen's blog:

Chris Hanson, the "To Catch a Predator" dude, interviewed me yesterday in my office about a piece he's doing about pervy TV executives. Just joshing, it's about a reality TV scam artist. Though I knew the topic, when I was sitting there across from him I was pretty sure I was going to get busted for something and that I would be escorted out of my office momentarily after the interview. I'm not guilty, I swear.

Raggaydy Andy, possum, qu'est-ce que c'est? You can tell us, go on. Of course, the mind boggles, but we wouldn't so much as blink if we heard an anecdote involving René Fris, the leftover ingredients from a Quickfire Challenge, and Michael Kors' shades. We promise.

On the other hand, as Miss XaXa put it, "I'd feel guilty, too, if I'd been caught wearing those shoes with that suit on The Real Housewives of New York reunion show."

Blast from the Past: Sam Talbot Shacks Up

Fear not, possums, mesdames, and mesdemoiselles. It's not quite what you think. Instead, as our pals at Eater found out, Sammy has been bragging because--get this--he finally got a job. He has, as Eater puts it, "signed on to run the restaurant at Jamie Mullholland's new surf shack in Montauk, Surf Lodge." So for those of you longing for Long Island or for watermelon with blue cheese, head on out starting Memorial Day.

Amuse-Biatch Beverage Pairing: Why Jennifer Biesty Should Have Served Perrier with Her Asparagus Dish

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Memorably Wears White Before Memorial Day

Amuse-Biatch Department of Corrections: Yet Another Bravo Freudian Slip

Top: Jennifer Biesty's Quickfire Challenge dessert. Bottom: Stephanie Izard's Quickfire Challenge dessert.

So what does it mean, possums, what does it mean when Bravo can't tell you apart?

‘Bian-fire of the Vanities: Do Lesbians Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses?

From Jennifer Biesty's interview with our pals at YumSugar:

YumSugar: [...]Other than having to leave, is there anything you'd do differently?
Jennifer Biesty: I kinda wish, okay, this is going to sound totally vain, but I wish I didn't wear my glasses.

Antonia Lofaso Shows Off Profound Knowledge of World Cultures, Booze

From the most recent episode of Top Chef:

“Mojo is Cuban, so we’re going to throw a little bit of tequila in with our sauce.”

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Bravo Takes Terpsichorean Cross-Promotion to New Depths

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: In Outtake from “The Ice Storm,” 1970s Couple Ponders the Spiritual Malaise of Comedy Clubs Before Heading Off to a Key Party

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Two Slow-Talking Blondes Get a Close Shave

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Say One, Two Prinzes Kneel Before You (That's What We Said Now)

The Biest Comes Out, and It's a Beaut

Possums, we were fans of Jennifer Biesty because of her general air of solidity and maturity, both in cooking and in temperament. However, we have just been reminded that not for nothing is her nickname "The Beast," and not for nothing does she have a shark's fin atop her head.

In her exit interview with our pals at Grub Street, she kicks a trashcan or two:

Did the judges make a mistake [Wednesday] night?
I really thought — especially with how [the judges] were talking about the Polish-sausage dish — that there was no way that we would go home, or I would go home. So their mistake? I don’t know — they make a lot.

...

What was your impression of guest judge Johnny Iuzzini?
He was kind of pompous and arrogant, really working the camera. Out of all the judges so far, he was the most disingenuous. He was really there more to get his face on TV than to actually be a judge.

...

In terms of the hairstyle, who pulls it off better: you or Richard?
Me. You can tell the difference between a $20 haircut and an $80 haircut.

What did we tell you, possums? Never piss off a lesbian. Still, we wonder: Can Richard fight a fauxhawk war on two fronts?

Padma Lakshmi Picks Up a New (Well, Actually, Old) Teddy

Yes, possums, there is actually a story to go with that photo. Following her split from Salman Rushdie, Padma Lakshmi was linked to Teddy Forstmann, a then-67-year-old Republican billionaire who had also dated Elizabeth Hurley and Princess Diana. (Fun tidbit: According to The Evening Standard, "American intelligence agencies were bugging Princess Diana's telephone over her relationship with a US billionaire,...tycoon Teddy Forstmann....").

At the time, the newspaper reports about Padma's new old man were denied, and it was claimed that if Padma and Teddy had been seen together, it was only because Teddy's company was doing licensing and endorsement deals for Padma. Then the ever-reliable Page Six reported that Padma was dating billionaire Adam Dell, as in, "Dude, you're getting a Padma."

And now, the still-ever-so-reliable Page Six is reporting that, no, actually, Padma is disporting herself with billionaire Teddy after all. From this story, it would seem that Teddy does indeed walk softly, but is he carrying a big stick? Teddy is 30 years older than Padma and seven years older than Salman Rushdie, prompting Miss XaXa to ask, "Does she like them well-aged, or, well, agèd?"

Fauxhawks and Doves: Interseasonal Bitchfight of the Oddly Coiffed

Well, possums, "Meeeeeow!" is all we have to say about the blogwar between Season 3 finalist Dale Levitski and Season 4 presumed finalist Richard Blais.

From Dale's blog:

I staged [interned] at Trio under Grant [Achatz] for a few days before the flip of my reign ….
And what I saw changed my life.
It was a beef dish.
I stood next to a pole in the kitchen and watched in awe as an army of cooks (most of which I can now call friends) executed a miracle.
20 components on one plate that was nothing short of a symphony.
Beef three ways, ingredients that blew your mind, but made the most basic sense.
In an understatement as a chef: humbling.
One thing stuck out for me. (This was 4 years ago ....)
The smoke.
Smoked beef tounge, presented as pristine as could be under a smoke-filled glass. Unveiled by the server at the table.
Unleashing an epiphany for the diner and any witness alike.
Perfection.
What you, Richard, have ATTEMPTED to do, hack a presentation, TWICE!, was bastardize and mock a moving moment for me as a chef.
I understand the drive you have.
The Need you have.
The Skill you have.
The Love you have.
BUT.
Did you really Think for a MOMENT that filling a Sysco-wrapped plate full of gadget-filled smoke would prove to the world that you are a good chef?
That it would impress?
That ANY diner would say, ”When I peeled the PLASTIC WRAP off my plate I was blown away?!"
You have done it Twice!!!!!!!!!
F*** you, Chef.
I have seen this presentation done to perfection. The only person you are fooling is yourself.
I CHEERED when your “tool” broke, as I watched the panic of you team ….
Serves you right for shitting on MY epiphany ….
The fact that you won should be YOUR epiphany ....
You don’t need the gimmick ….
There is no need to jerk yourself off with gadgets ….
You won.
You deserved it. For the most part …
I hope you learned your lesson.
You are good.
Cut the crap.
Love, Dale.
P.S. The hair I will take as a “compliment?” … but also a hack job ….


From Richard's response on Bravo's Burning Questions blog:

Bravotv.com: Anything else?
Hmmm ... Well I'd like to address Mr. Dale Levitski, a guy I have never met, and who has never tasted my food, or worked with me. I'd write a response to some of his comments but I'd rather not extend his fifteen minutes any longer. I just think some of his words have been in pretty poor taste, especially coming from a previous contestant who should have an understanding of the show. I can take it, but when my family reads that stuff, and it's not from Joe Blogger, c'mon ....

Well, possums, never let it be said that Dale blows smoke up anyone's derriere.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: It Seems Like Only Last Week Padma Lakshmi Was Standing Next to a Boyish Guest Judge in Jeans, T-Shirt and Chain-Wallet

Johnny Iuzzini: Metrosexual Avenger or Avenger of Metrosexuals?

Looking through the Bravo photo album for this episode, we came across these pictures of guest judge Johnny Iuzzini (and kudos to Bravo for fixing the spelling of his and his restaurant’s names so quickly, though it might be churlish of us to point out that the name of the restaurant, Jean Georges, does not have a hyphen), wearing two different shirts for the Quickfire Challenge, one of which did not make it on the air. How very metrosexual. What gives?

One Less ‘Bian: Boi Goes Home to Zoi

Jennifer Biesty seems to be a good cook, but as she herself admitted at the beginning of tonight's episode, she was quite often in the middle of the pack. Still, as Gail Simmons says on her Bravo blog, "I have to admit that watching the ending I did not feel it was totally clear why Jennifer was sent home instead of Stephanie." It may just be the fact that Stephanie Izard has been in the top three so often, and has won on a couple of occasions; she's a winner, she just couldn't be sent home. (We still say she's in the final four.)

At any rate, possums, we are now down to one out lesbian, Lisa Fernandes, and two honoraries, Richard and Stephanie, but if one thing is certain, it's that Lisa is not going out without a fight and a string of beeps.

(And yes, perhaps Jen is not totally a boi, but the headline was just too hard to resist. )

Bee-yotch: Ryan Scott Stings Amuse-Biatch in Fresno Bee

As you are no doubt all too aware, possums, the last seven days have been an unceasing dirge, an expression of mourning for our inconsistent, self-avowed “metrosexual,” and Little Mozart of the Fryolator, Mr. Ryan Scott.

Encased, as he was, in the aspic of his own smarm, he was a sitting target, and we will miss him. Oh how we’ll miss him!

It appears, however, that he won’t miss us.

According to The Fresno Bee:

[Ryan] Scott was more curt when asked about amuse-biatch.blogspot.com, a blog that skewers all “Top Chef” contestants.

“You’ve got to have something better to do with your time than that,” Scott says.

Oh, Ryan, possum, we’re hurt, even—dare we say it—hoit.

How odd, and yet how apt, that it should have been your pretty-boy predecessor in loquacious smarm, last season’s Brian Malarkey, who leveled the same charges only last year. And we say unto you, as we said unto him, “We do have better things to do (and we do them); it’s just that we enjoy doing this.” As you yourself might have said, we don’t just blog with our hands; we blog with our heartlessness.

Mind you, we haven’t been as heartless as we could. We received some very interesting correspondence from people very close to you that we refrained from publishing. We have also resisted spinning out your narrative arc as a tale about the revenge of chicken, for it was chicken (piccata) that first brought you national disgrace, and chicken (thighs on a bed of bread) that got you kicked off the show. Did you see a single “When the Chicken Piccata Comes Home to Roost” headline from us? No.

Moments after Padma pykkagged you, you said, with a little poached pear of a sob in your throat, “What this show brought me was cooking, yes, and what it does is it humbles you and teaches you that, you know, it’s, like, wow, I'm not the shit, so, thank you.” But did we do a post about your Pauline conversion titled, “Turd Discovers He’s Not the Shit”? No. And yet this is how you treat us.

But just as our sorrow threatened to overwhelm us, we listened once again to your final words on the show: “This personally changed my life, so it’s gonna change the way I cook. It’s the way I look at an ingredient, but it's not gonna change me, Ryan Scott, as a person.”

Does that mean you’ll still be the vain, smarmy, inconsistent, prevaricating self-avowed “metrosexual” Ryan Scott we know and love?

In that case, possums, we will stop weeping into our gnocchi-soft pillow and face the new day, for though this may be our last Ryan Scott post for a very long time (as you no doubt will appreciate, possums), lo he is risen and will smarm again.

Like Maria and Marta Von Trapp, Self-Avowed “Metrosexual’s” Favorite Color Is Pink*

That, at least, is what we learnt, possums, from the video audition Ryan submitted to Bravo’s casting people, apparently at Bravo’s request (and which Ryan posted on his MySpace page). In the video, entitled “The Ryan Scott Experience,” Ryan makes the following promise:

Everything that I’m about is what you’re going to see. The time that I get off, which is minimal, that’s when I eat pizza, that’s when I get my nails done. It’s no joke, it’s no front. This is the man that you guys were intrigued by, and this is the man you’re gonna get to see.

So go ahead, possums. Take a few minutes and have yourself a giggle; we’ll see you on the other side of The. Ryan. Scott. Experience. (If you can't see the video on the screen, click here.)



We came across this gem even before the current season of Top Chef started airing, and we had been waiting until the perfect moment, and well, now that Ryan has been pykkagged, there is no more perfect moment, so we might as well get it out of our system now. What we found particularly fascinating about the video was the way in which Ryan courted sexual confusion and ambiguity, beginning with getting his nails done.

And there was this:

















And this:
















And especially this:

















And, of course, this:














Sorry, wrong video. So, possums, metrosexual? “Metrosexual”? Confused? Pandering to Bravo’s core audiences? Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

*As you may remember, possums, in The Sound of Music, when Fräulein Maria, as yet un-Trapped, first meets the children whose governess she is to be, the following exchange takes place

Marta: I’m Marta, and I’m going to be seven on Tuesday, and I’d like a pink parasol.
Maria: Well, pink’s my favorite color, too.

Long-Winded, Dense Gnocco Doesn't Like Being Called Long-Winded or Dense, But Doesn't Mind Being Called Pretty

Rocco DiSpirito on Ryan Scott, from this season’s first episode: “It’s not just his gnocchi that were dense.”

Rocco DiSpirito on Ryan Scott from his Bravo blog: “Ryan and Valerie’s chicken piccata was up next. It took us a long time to judge this one -- not because the dishes were close, but because it was nearly impossible to get through to Ryan. He clearly didn’t know that chicken piccata is thin scallop of chicken that’s dipped in flour, then in egg, then sautéed and served with a lemon-butter sauce that sometimes has capers in it. He breaded his chicken, didn’t pound it thin, and didn’t serve it with a lemon-butter sauce -- but did serve it with awful gnocchi. (So other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?) We tried and tried to explain it to him. He was very defensive. Instead of trying to learn something from Tom, Anthony, and me, he made excuses and generally frustrated us. “Classically mashed potatoes and rice.” Wha?? I always told my cooks that it’s not the mistake that matters but what you do after you’ve made one to ensure it never happens again. There is nothing worse than a cook who is unwilling or unable to learn from his mistakes, and his gnocchi were a very dense mistake. So I said what I said. Sorry! I know it was a bit mean, but had you seen the entire exchange with Ryan you would have understood.”

Nikki Cascone, completely unedited, from last Wednesday’s episode: “Ryan is so long-winded. Have you ever been up there [Judges’ Table] with him? He, like, doesn’t shut up.”

From Ryan Scott’s interview with RealityWanted.com:

Q. […]: When you watched the past few episodes I am sure you saw some things you didn’t know happened or heard things you didn’t know were said right? Did you catch Niki saying you talked too much or that you’re long winded?

A. […]: I sent her a text after I saw her say I was long winded, she said it was the power of editing and she didn’t mean it that way. I didn’t like the remark made by chef Rocco Dispirito on the first episode either. It’s also cool to see what the judges had to say about us since we don’t get to see that part during the shows production.

…

Q. […]: Would you do it again?
A. […]: Yes, you always need a pretty boy on these shows. (Laughing)

Tom Colicchio Threatens to Quit “Top Chef” If Producers Ever Tell Him Whom to Pick as Winner, Challenges Naysayers to “Google” Him

This, possums, is what we learnt from a typically feisty interview with the Ursus Major himself:

There are a lot of great chefs that want to be guest judges on the show, and they are great chefs, but for one reason or another they're not right for TV. I don't really know why. I don't know why I'm on the show, I just know they picked me because they thought I was telegenic for some reason. I don't know why. So that's why I'm always kind of cynical about it. But that being said, I love what we do on the show, I think we choose the best contestant every year, and there is no pressure from the producers or anyone else to pick a certain someone despite what everybody believes. The day they tell us we have to pick someone for any reason other than our judgement is the day I do my last show.

Well, that's that.

What's particularly interesting to us about his comment is the revelation that there are chefs who want a guest spot on Top Chef but are not picked because "they're not right for TV." For one thing, we'd love to know who was rejected for not being telegenic enough (and by telegenic we don't mean just appearance, but also demeanor and personality; after all, it's not as if Bravo would ever pick people who were attractive but robotic or wooden).

But we'd also love to know just how Koren Grieveson squeaked through. By all acounts, she is a fantastic chef, and we don't dispute that, but her affectless demeanor is more suited to Gus Van Sant movies about inscrutable teenage boys than it is to a show promoting itself with the tagline, "Let the flames begin."

Finally, we loved the Colicchy One's response to the vexed and eternal Hollywood question, "But don't they know who I am?":

When we opened in L.A. I had a woman come up to me and say "You're really a chef?" Yeah! Or when you send a person off the show, eliminate someone people really like, they say, "Who is this guy? Who is this guy we've never heard of before?" What can you say, you know? Go home and google me.

Aw snap!

Did Raggaydy Andy Suffer a Lip Slip?

As you must all know by now, possums, The New York Times just last week tackled chefs and their potty, potty mouths, paying special attention to this season's cheftestants on Top Chef.

It seems somehow fitting, then, that Raggaydy Andy Cohen's own loose lips may just have let something slip. It's what we found when we read a blog entry by Pete Wells, the reporter who penned the piece:

Reporting the article, I interviewed Andy Cohen, the Bravo executive responsible for Top Chef. Before he got down to talking how much bleeping this season’s contestants have required, he suggested, out of nowhere, that The Times run an article on how many female chefs there are. We’ve done that, I told him, impatient to move on to the gutter language. But now I’m wondering if he was inadvertently telling me something about the outcome of this season. After all, no woman has won yet. So I’ll just toss that into the rumor mill.

Interesting, of course, but we don't at all believe that Raggaydy Andy was revealing the winner of the show, quite simply because the finale has not yet been filmed and the winner not yet chosen. However, we do believe something was revealed, because take a look at what then happened on Wells' blog entry:

UPDATE: Andy Cohen called this afternoon to say I’d misquoted him in this blog. He claims the article he suggested to me was about “lesbian female chefs.” That’s not what I heard and it’s not what I took down in my notes, but the phone he was speaking on during that interview didn’t pick up every word he said, and I had to ask him to repeat himself several times. I never asked him to repeat the remark about “female chefs,” though. So it’s quite possible that he’s right and the word “lesbian” was dropped.

Uh-huh, yeah, right. As one of the post's commenters notes, "lesbian female - That would have been a bit redundant, no?" Indeed it would, particularly coming from someone who is openly gay himself. So, as polite as Wells is being in his equivocating, we're going with the Gray Female, er, Lady on this one.

So what's the upshot of all of this? Our guess is, two women in the final four, Stephanie Izard and likely Antonia Lofaso as well.

JC Penney Thinks Padma Lakshmi and Hung Huyhn Are Excellent Asians

And who, possums, are we to disagree?

Padma and Hung are nominated in the Favorite Television Personality and Favorite Reality Star categories, respectively, at this year's Asian Excellence Awards. The awards will be handed out tomorrow at UCLA's Royce Hall, but you will have to wait until May 1, when the awards show is broadcast on E!, to see whether viewers deemed Padma a more excellent Asian than Tila Tequila.

We cannot help but wonder, though, where is Dale Talde? Is he not excellent enough?

Spelling Bee-atch: Is Bravo So Distracted by “Gorges” Guest Judge’s Looks That It Can’t Spell His Name Right (Either of Them)?

Possums, that's a screencap of the preview for this week's episode, featuring as guest judge the renowned pastry chef Johnny Iuzzini.

You'll notice that's Johnny with two n's and Iuzzini with two z's and one n.

So let's see, Bravo. The man is the executive pastry chef for Jean-Georges Vongerichten's three Michelin-starred restaurant, Jean Georges, was named Outstanding Pastry Chef of the Year in 2006 by the James Beard Foundation, and last year was named by Forbes.com as one of the 10 most influential chefs working in America today, and you can't even get his bloomin' name right? And, as possum Lilly points out, Bravo can't get the name of his restaurant right either. Good work all around!

Amuse-Biatch “Metrosexual” Monday: Padma Lakshmi Recommends Serving Your Poached Pears in Dixie Cups (or on a Stick)

At least that's what self-avowed "metrosexual" Ryan Scott says, and we all know how truthful he is. From YumSugar's latest interview:

YS: Alright, let's talk about last night's episode. Really? Poached pears at a tailgate party?
RS: Do I look like a guy that goes to a freaking football game? It's just not me. I wanted to give the whole experience, with an entree and dessert. And the weird part is Padma liked the pear, she thought I should have served it in a dixie cup. So I brought some California flair to a tailgate and they didn't like it.

YS: You should have put it on a stick.
RS: Padma said that too.

Amuse-Biatch Begins to Fear for Self-Avowed “Metrosexual” As He Becomes Incapable of Keeping Story Straight for Even the Length of a Paragraph

As you know, possums, we've kept track of self-avowed "metrosexual" Ryan Scott's apparently less-than-firm grasp on truth and consistency. As we've noted, for example, he can't decide if he cooked in his parents' restaurant when he was eight or when he was 11, or whether he was a good cook as a child. As we've also noted, in one month he told the same media outlet two conflicting stories: that he had read the blogs and one blog had said something negative about him, and that he had not read the blogs and had any of them said something negative about them?

But we may have come across the best and most breathtaking example of all. As you will remember, on this week's episode, Ryan condescendingly said, "I'm not a big sports fan. Do I look like a sports fan? No, I'm not." Now take a look at Ryan's interview with Bravo's own "Burning Questions" blog:

Bravotv.com: California tailgate -- do you go often?
No. No I don’t go often. I’m the least sport fan you’re ever going to meet. Honestly, it’s really funny, a lot of my friends they’ll ask me, “Who are ‘Refrigerator Perry’ or ‘Lenny Dykstra?’” I mean I know I know a lot about sports -- you’re not going to find me on a Sunday sitting down going to a tailgate. I got Giants tickets last Thursday and I gave them away …. Unless there’s a lot of beer, you’re not going to get me there. I am a sports fan -- I find it great what they do. I think it’s phenomenal ….

Frankly, our head is spinning. He's not a sports fan, he's a sports fan, he's not a sports fan. Oy! It's like Jack Nicholson interrogating Faye Dunaway in Chinatown: My daughter! My sister! My daughter! My sister!

We only wish we could slap him in the same way.

Amuse-Biatch Pages Dr. Freud to Analyze Self-Avowed “Metrosexual’s” Photo Captions

Possums, one of our favorite features of Season 2 was the publication on Bravo's website of the cheftestants' photo diaries, as they were a veritable mother lode of self-revelatory material just waiting to be mined and deployed.

Sadly, though, last year the photos were so small they were well-nigh unusable, but Fortune has smiled on us this year. And so we will proceed to examine the best of this season's photodiaries. The captions are exactly as the cheftestants (presumably) wrote them. Our comments are in brackets, and the interpretations are entirely up to you.

And so, let us begin with this week's ousted, self-avowed "metrosexual," Ryan Scott.















"Is this a guy or a girl? Dublin doesn't know"
[Dr. Freud merely rolls his eyes, saying, in Viennese German, of course, "This is too easy, even for me. The dog of a self-avowed 'metrosexual' in San Francisco is sexually confused, perhaps reflecting the owner's own confusion? Tell me something I don't know." Fair enough, Herrdoktor.]
















"My babies"
[Herrdoktor Freud says, "Ah! What woman doesn't like to be infantilized and equated with her boyfriend's dog? No wonder Herr Scott is single."]
















"Is this a guy or a girl? Dublin doesn't know"
[Oops, sorry, wrong caption. The actual caption is, "Dub & I reading my friend's new cookbook," which, frankly, is far less enlightening as a caption. Reading, eh? Is that what they call it these days? Looks more like, er, tailgating to us. Another question: In his previous appearances in the photo diary, Dublin "Dub" Scott appears to be black, white, and brown, not all black like this pooch. Had Ryan drunk so much that he couldn't even identify his own dog? Herrdoktor Freud refuses to speculate, but inquiring minds want to know.]

Damned Gnocco Too Dense to Realize When He's Being Damned with Faint Praise

From Ryan Scott’s interview with Grub Street:

Rich[ard Blais] is breaking culinary boundaries. One night he said to me, “I respect so much what you do, Ryan. You can cook with two or three ingredients, and look at a fennel bulb and it’s just fennel. I’d try and figure out how to levitate the thing. I can’t cook on your level.”

Oh how we cackled, possums, at how Ryan just can't get it through his fennel bulb. Our hats go off to Richard for saying something so patronizing and condescending while making Gnocchi-Head think it was sincere praise. For once, Rocco DiSpirito was right.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Self-Avowed “Metrosexual” Practices His Best “Blue Steel” While Bemused Woman Ponders the Uses of Stainless Steel

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Nikki Cascone Tackles the Question Whether Owners Come to Resemble Their Pets, or Whether Pets Come to Resemble Their Owners

Koren Grieveson: Lesbian Avenger or Avenger of Lesbians?

Possums, while it’s true that the ancient Greek goddess of revenge was named Nemesis, we have a sneaking suspicion that her modern incarnation may well be named Koren Grieveson (or, as Miss XaXa put it, Grievances). For there were two who had sinned against the daughters of Sappho, the heirs of Radclyffe Hall, and by Grieveson’s hand would those Grievances be addressed.

Spike (Through the Head) had grievously sinned against Lez Girls—his outbursts against Zoi and Jen, getting Zoi booted, dropping a tomatillo that very nearly caused Lisa to break her leg at the store—and so had Dale with his vastly hypocritical and vastly entertaining attacks on Lisa for her negativity.

And now both found themselves in the bottom three of the beery, Grieveson-judged Quickfire Challenge, with Jen giggling and Lisa smiling and uttering the for-the-ages line, “Good, bitch. Have fun on the bottom.”

But, having a one-track mind, what we wondered was, Is Koren Grieveson a lesbian avenger or merely an avenger of lesbians?

We have to confess that looking at her behind the row of beer pitchers, our gaydar went, Ding, ding, ding, ding! But that is hardly conclusive.

So we did a little digging and dabbed a bit of semiotics on our wrists and behind our ears, and this is what we came up with.

Grieveson, who was just chosen by Top Chef sponsor Food & Wine Magazine as one of its Best New Chefs for 2008, is South African, and lived in Angola and Iraq. Well, that tells us nothing. And she was in the army for eight years. Ah, ding, ding, ding!



















And she’s wearing a shirt with a Padma shape-alike, and has arm tattoos. Ding, ding, ding, ding!


















And what’s this? A chain-wallet? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, DING!

Q.E.D., possums, Q.E.D.

UPDATE: And we have a winner. Enterprising possum Heather went out and got the evidence, which is much, much better than we had dared to hope. To wit, Koren's favorite kitchen appliance is "My 15-pound sausage stuffer." (!!!) Koren listens to country music, especially the Dixie Chicks. And her "girl Frog" is a clothes designer. Project Runway, what are you waiting for? This means that, if our math is right, in just the first six weeks of this season, Top Chef has featured four out lesbian chefs. That's quite a coup.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Schadenfreude Is Jennifer Biesty's Favorite German Beer

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Mary, Er, Self-Avowed “Metrosexual,” Had a Little Lamb

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Does Little Miss Not-So-Much Sunshine Promise There Will Be Blood?

On the left, Koren Grieveson, of Avec Restaurant in Chicago; on the right, Paul Dano, of Little Miss Sunshine and There Will Be Blood.

Padma Lakshmi Does Her Mother (and Third-Wave Feminism) Proud

Possums, it seems that our Padma was recently the host of an important media event, the New York Women in Communications’ Matrix Awards (since we adore women--precisely because we don’t want to shag them--we wish the award organizers had picked a more etymologically sound name; after all, according to Merriam-Webster, “matrix” comes from the Latin word for a “female animal used for breeding,” to which we say, Eeewww).

At any rate, while at the podium fulfilling her hosting duties, Padma delivered herself of a remark that would have no doubt thrilled Simone de Beauvoir (whose biography Padma once claimed to be reading) and Betty Friedan: “I’m living my mother’s dream. I sit on my ass, I eat and I talk.”

You tell it on the mountain, sister! Make Momma proud! That’s why activists burnt their black, lacy, see-through bras like the one you’re wearing in the pic.

And there was another interesting tidbit from that luncheon. It looks like Padma might be in the Hillary camp:

Gather a thousand-plus female media professionals in a room and it’s likely more than a few of them will be Hillary Clinton sympathizers. So it was no surprise at today’s Matrix Awards luncheon when emcee Padma Lakshmi referenced “the candidacy of Hillary Rodham Clinton” in her opening remarks, and then paused for applause. The surprise was how little applause it elicited -- so little that several attendees remarked on it after the event. One who works in magazine publishing described the response as “tepid”; another, a TV executive, characterized it as “golf claps.”

We would have pegged Padma as an “Obama girl,” but hey, what do we know?

Possum Sighting: Nimma Osman Has a Job!

Possums, we got a note from faithful Amuse-Biatch reader Ryan (not that Ryan, obviously), who had a sighting to share with us:

While in Atlanta this past weekend we ate at our favorite breakfast spot Sun In My Belly (Kirkwood). Who should we see cooking but Top Chef contestant Nimma...remember her?

Indeed we do, Ryan, indeed we do. At any rate, we are glad to hear she is gainfully employed, as we had heard that she left her previous position a bit dramatically. If you'll pardon our lapse into the vulgate, it always sucks to be the first one kicked off. Perhaps Bravo could take a page from Tyra Banks and give the "firsties," Suyai, Clay, Nimma, and what's 'is name from Season 1, a chance at redemption.

At any rate, our thanks to Ryan for sending in the sighting. Please feel free to follow his example (pics much appreciated, bien sûr). And of course if you have yearbook photos of any of the cheftestants, you just know we'd love to hear from you.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Nikki Cascone Finally Remembers Where She Saved the Extra Onions and Peppers for the Judges

Though It Requires Every Last Ounce of Self-Control, Amuse-Biatch Has No Comment, Bites Forked Tongue Hard

From Ryan Scott's March 17, 2008, interview with our pals at YumSugar:

YS: Are you worried about how you're going to be perceived?
RS: Wow. Good question. How'd Andrew answer that? [Laughs] I guess I don't care. I was myself. I'm trying not to read all the freaking blogs. People critiquing you who don't know you, or they know you and worked with you in the past. . . . I went in there and knew I was truly myself all the way through. Editing is a beautiful thing. One of the blogs said I was the bad guy. How in the hell did I come off as the bad guy?


From Ryan Scott's April 18, 2008, interview with our pals at YumSugar:

YS: Sounds good, we can't wait to hear more about this. But now we have just one last question, have you been reading the blogs?
RS: No. Why what do you want to know? Is there something one of them says?
YS: Oh nothing in particular, we were just wondering if you've been reading what people have to say about you.
RS: No, Sam recommended that I don't read them, so I haven't been. Why is there something negative I should know about?

Little Mozart of the Fryolator Keeps Getting Younger and Younger

Possums, some people just don’t know when to stop.

Take, for instance, Ryan Scott, the Little Mozart of the Fryolator, who, as we detailed, described how his father allowed him to work as a line cook for several weeks as an 11-year-old. As Ryan put it, “At 11, I jumped on the line with my father, and my dad fired two people after the first two or three weeks because I outcooked them at 11.”

As our friend, Miss Upton Sinclairol, explained, if such a thing did actually happen, it was likely a gross violation of California’s child-labor laws that might well have resulted in fines of up to $10,000 and criminal prosecution. It seemed a bit of a sticky situation, for, in his bit of braggadocio, Ryan had, it appeared, either fibbed or exposed his father as a lawbreaker.

Our opinion tended toward the former option, because other statements from Ryan in a newspaper interview suggested that the grade schooler who “cook[ed] his family crazy concoctions, like sloppy chili melts and herb experiments from the garden,” which his family would then eat out of support for him, could not also be such a competent cook, and on a restaurant line, no less, that he was the equivalent of two adult line cooks.

Now, in one of his most recent interviews, Ryan is, as he might have put it on this week’s episode, going bigger, and possibly going from the Little Mozart to the Little Munchausen of the Fryolator. To wit:

“I started at a really young age, my parents had a restaurant [this is presumably the Chubby’s restaurant franchise that, per the newspaper account, Ryan’s family ‘briefly owned’ while he was in elementary school] and I started cooking there at age 8. My parents have always encouraged and supported me, they pushed me and never discouraged me even when I made some not so delicious food.”

Ah, let’s see. So he was working in the restaurant when he was eight, rather than when he was 11 (which would make the child-labor law violations even more egregious, while seeming also to implicate his mother) and he was not competent because he made “some not so delicious food.” That seems like a blending of both our theories. At any rate, that’s quite the hat trick (or some such sports metaphor; we’re not sports fans either).

As any self-avowed “metrosexual” should know, even if you can’t keep yourself straight, you do have to keep your story that way. We look forward to the next iteration of the story, wherein Ryan will delight us with tales of how, while still in the womb, he would poach pears in amniotic fluid.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: The Nip Slip That Almost Was

Possums, in many ways, the most suspenseful subplot of this week's episode was not who would be kicked out, or who would fall out, but whether Padma would fall out--of her stripey bar wench shirt and show the world her beer, er, mugs.

First, it was on the right.



















Then it was on the left.

















And then on the right again.

















And then on the left.














A real nail-biter, that. Alas, it came to naught (and not naughty).

Hands Up, Pencils Down: Self-Avowed “Metrosexual” Has a Spell

Possums, we might as well tell you. There's a plethora of Ryan Scott posts on the way. After our recent unexpected and unwanted hiatus, we've a lot of pent-up blogging urges, but also, we won't have Ryan around anymore after this week, so we're going to get it all out of our system now. Alors, brace yourselves.

At any rate, one of the (many, many) things we've wondered about Ryan as we watched him with repulsion, fascination and glee is why he always sported a pencil behind his ear. Did he think it made him look rakish? Was it a secret code, like green on Thursdays? Why not wear leeks, like the Welsh? Miss XaXa surmised that it might be so as to be able to slip his phone number to other non-"sports fans."

But on Wednesday's episode we saw him using it, as the editors gave us a quick glimpse of the list on which he tried to keep track of the “five-course meal with dessert, pastry, mignardise, mint on your pillow” that was to prove his downfall. Yet another instance of Bravo editors giving another small twist to the knife. One gets the sense that he really endeared himself to all and sundry.
















And wouldn't you know it, poor old Ryan couldn't even spell, unless it was a Freudian slip. "Hot Coco," possum, as you ought to know from living in San Francisco, is more likely to be a drag queen's name. Or Ice-T's wife.

"And what's the difference?" queried Miss XaXa.

Well, we had to admit she had us there.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Self-Avowed “Metrosexual” Assumes Position

Confidential to Bravo editors: Zooming in on his crotch and superimposing Padma Lakshmi's name on it was a stroke of sheer fuck-you genius.

First Reaction: Not (the) Shit

Possums, we don’t know if it’s simply that absence makes the heart grow fonder, or that, after the difficult personal circumstances that necessitated our recent absence, our critical faculties have been dulled, but last night’s episode was fantastic: a pointless and irrelevant challenge serving as the background for a one-act opera about revenge, condescension, bitchiness, bears, and drunken orgies at the tubs—in other words, the gay world writ large (and small) by Bravo. Our only regret: we won’t have smarmy “metrosexual” (uh-huh) Ryan Scott to kick around anymore.

More analysis and bitchery as the day continues.

As Self-Proclaimed Asshole Dale Talde Learns, Lesbian-Bitch Karma's a Bitch

So let's get this straight, possums.

Dale Talde--a self-proclaimed asshole who, in his own words, has "no off button," and who, if the testimonials are to be believed, reduces servers to tears and makes them quit--went off on Lisa Fernandes because of her negative attitude? Oh how we cackled with glee.

For, you see, Little Dale was about to learn one of the basic rules of life. Never, ever--and we mean, ever!--piss off a lesbian. Normally gentle creatures, when angered they can hold a grudge--and a softball bat. End result? Broken kneecaps. Dale, Dale, Dale, tsk tsk. Lisa's resemblance to Rosie O'Donnell is no mere coincidence.

But let's be frank, shall we? Dale wasn't angry because of Lisa's "negativity." Pas du tout. Instead, Dale--who is Asian, works at Buddakan, and prides himself on his mastery of Asian cuisine--was out-Asianed by a white chick from Toronto. And Asian Asian-food expert Ming Tsai Tsaid so. As sports fan say, "That's gotta hurt."

So how did this shake out? Let's see. Lisa won the Elimination Challenge, the admiration of Ming Tsai, and an expensive and luxurious trip to Italy. Dale won the Elimination Challenge, and a Top Chef football jersey and a gas grill for his New York apartment. Need we say more? We hope you've learned your lesson, Dale.

Divinyl New Couple: Is Tom Colicchio Cheating on First Husband?

Possums, we saw it the first time, and we are seeing it again: when Tom Colicchio breaks out the gay hat, there's trouble a-brewin'. Remember this little gem from last season?
















As we said last year, the greatest problem with this look for Tom is that the hat, as Lisa Fernandes might have put it, squeals, "Great, bitch--have fun on the bottom."

Is the great subtextual narrative arc of Top Chef now about Colicchio's journey of self-acceptance? As with the zoo episode and the poll anointing the head judge as a bear, there's an argument to be made that Bravo conceived this particular episode only so that Tom Colicchio could sport a Bears jersey. Is it just, as Edina Monsoon used to say, "Mummy's little joke, darling," with Bravo having a snigger? (This week's most-ridiculous-ever, Divinyls-referencing poll--in a game of touch football, would you rather touch Padma, Tom, or yourself?--would seem to suggest as much. Mind you, it also suggests utter contempt for the audience.) Or is Bravo trying to nudge Colicchio over the edge? Of course, Tom does himself no favors by proclaiming Chicago as the kind of town where "sausage is like a religion."

Because, as Miss Xaxa is quick to point out, by way of warning, "In that case, you might well find God while on your knees."