Sunday, November 30, 2008
Met to Premiere New Verismo Opera, “Cavalleria Topcheftiana,” Starring Leah Cohen as Tracolla Reggiseno, Who Drives Men Wild with Her Bra Strap
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Alex Eusebio Explains the Difference Between Dominicans, Cubans and Puerto Ricans
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Grant Achatz, Tonight’s Thanksgiving Episode Guest Judge, Hates the “Emotional Touchstone” of Turkey
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Amuse-Biatch Guessing Game: The Lee Anne Wong Blind Item
Well, possums, we’re always suckers for a guessing game, and Season 1 contestant and Top Chef culinary producer Lee Anne Wong has a nice and not too taxing one in an interview she did with Zagat (though we must say she looks awfully thin in the accompanying photograph; don’t go overboard now, Lee Anne). Aside from taking the blame for last season’s Scallopgate (just how many people are going to fall on their sword over this?), Lee Anne drops this little bit:
I always tell the smart [cheftestants] to remember that the cameras are always rolling. Top Chef is a stepping-stone and an opportunity to find out the blood and guts of yourself as a cook, and also who you are as a person. The ones who listen to what the judges have to say and move forward usually have a better chance of keeping in the public’s good favor. Every now and then you get a contestant who believes too much in their own hype, and then they self-implode. It’s up to you to figure out who I’m talking about….
So, possums, whom do you think she means? Guess away in the comments section.
The Real World: New York—Bravo Shows Hellish Vision of Limbo as a Halfway House for the PYKAGged and the Dispossessed
Possums, we have just come from Bravo’s website, where we saw the most terrifying neologism since “extraordinary rendition,” namely, “sequester house.” Don’t it sound all Patriot Act?
It indeed turns out to be scary. It’s the house where those who have “gone down on apples,” cooked gummy noodles, or were done in by ostrich eggs are imprisoned while the rest of the competition goes on. It’s done presumably to prevent leaks and spoilers about the results of the competition. If a TwinkleGay leaves home to be on Top Chef and returns a few days later, well, you know what’s happened, don’t you?
And starting this week, Bravo will show scenes online from this house of horrors (for sample, click the vid above).
As you may have gathered, we’re all for deconstructionism, but this is a terrible idea. When Lauren was sent packing on that ferry, like Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl, having just been reunited with, and cruelly separated from, erstwhile best friend, TwinkleGay Patrick, well, who didn’t shed a secret, glycerine tear at the tragedy? After all, what’s a hag without her fag, a fruit fly without her fruit?
But though Padma rained on her parade, Lauren discovers at the sequester house that she is one of the luckiest people in the world (i.e., people who need gay people). And really, where’s the fun in that? Who needs the uplift?
The dead should stay dead, the PYKAGged PYKAGged to the end. We want the poignancy, the cruelty, the reality-tv bloodlust sated by the Padma-wielded whims of fate. We want real battle casualties, not Civil War reenactments where they get up from the battlefield to have lunch.
And so, unless this is going to turn into Big Brother (unlikely, though Bravo's Raggaydy Andy Cohen is a huge fan), with hot tub orgies and the like, we want none of this. We don't want reality-show revenants sitting around, drinking beer and contractually prohibited from doing the horizontal mambo. What's the good in that? We reserve the right to change our minds, but for the time being, this doesn’t look good.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Padma Lakshmi Wears Cankle Boots, Discusses the "Sugar Bomb in [Her] Mouth" and Doing Something On Camera for the First Time
Amuse-Biatch Queery of the Week
As per Miss XaXa’s musings, “I thought Hosea Rosenberg was Jewish. These look, um, European.”
That Off-White Couch Is Sure Getting a Lot of Action: The Morning After, in the International Language
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: That Off-White Couch Is Sure Getting a Lot of Action, or Hot Shots! Part Deux
“I see lot of talking, cawddling, butah I theenk they just getting a leetle beet clozer coz of the frensheep. I don’t theenk there ees notheeng going on, and eef there ees, goood for them.”
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: That Off-White Couch Is Sure Getting a Lot of Action
“I see lot of talking, cawddling, butah I theenk they just getting a leetle beet clozer coz of the frensheep. I don’t theenk there ees notheeng going on, and eef there ees, goood for them.”
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Despite Telling Bourdain That Eric Ripert “Hits the Tequila Hard,” Tom Colicchio Refuses to Touch the Subject of Ming Tsai’s Possible Plastic Surgery
Friday, November 21, 2008
Jill Snyder’s Heartbreaking Cri de Cœur: I’m Unskilled Because I’m American!
Oh dear, Lon Guyland patriot Danny Gagnon is sure to be gaggin’ on this.
Sure, from the mid-calf down, the lanky lass is all red, white, and blue. But this daughter of the Liberty Bell state and resident of the city that gave birth to “The Star-Spangled Banner” tells a different story when she opens her pillowy lips. As she related to our pals at Grub Street:
You know, if I lived in Italy my whole life, I’d probably have a lot of skill, too.
Aw snap, Betsy Ross.
But don’t worry, possum, we believe you. You lost the New American cuisine challenge because you didn’t grow up in Italy. What could be more logical?
Is it any wonder that she is contemplating becoming an actress? (We do give her points for joking that she’s going to buy an ostrich farm.)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Fabio Viviani, Who “Love Hot Dog,” Asks Eugene Villiatora to Demonstrate “How Make Hot Dog”
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: In Unaired Episode of “Girlfriends,” Tracee Ellis Ross Comforts Friend Who’s Discovered She’s Lisa Rinna’s Long-Lost Sister
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: In Sequel to “The Fly,” Jeff Goldblum Is Bemused to Find Himself in, of All Places, a Restaurant Kitchen
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Savvy Cheftestant Learns That the Best Way to Get Padma Lakshmi's Attention Is to Bang the, Um, Pots
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Stefan Richter: I Did Not Call That Woman, Ms. Lauren, a Douchebag!
In her recap of this season’s inaugural episode, our pal Lesley of Eater LA touched on the “this season on Top Chef” montage, in which Stefan Richter and Jamie Lauren are having a teensy bit of a discussion.
During the rapid montage, the word “douchebag” is uttered, and Ms. Lauren appears to take umbrage, presumably thinking, as does the audience, that it was directed at her. And so Lesley wrote, “…Stefan calls Jamie a douchebag.” (As an aside, we ought to note that Jamie falls far short on the Angry (Lesbian) scale as compared to last season—no chairs thrown, no trashcans kicked, no crotches grabbed.)
But Herr Richter has stepped forward to say, “ ‘Tain’t so.” Quoth Stefan: “by the way i did not call her a douchebag, i said i don't want to look like one.”
Fair enough. He wants to clear his name, and of course it’s a good thing that he didn’t resort to calling Jamie that. And yet we can’t help being the slightest bit disappointed. After all, what kind of reality television villain would disclaim these kind of legend-burnishing attributions, and so early in the game?
For of course he is being groomed by Bravo’s editors, and by Daniel Gagnon’s xenophobic insecurities, as this season’s villain (though in our book, idiocy can be much more villainous than competence). No matter; we like Stefan as a villain, even if the editors have to resort to the Eurovillain trope that runs from Henry James to the James Bond pictures to Alan Rickman in Die Hard and Anthony Hopkins in The Silence of the Lambs. Stefan is a savvy villain, and this tickles us. For one thing, he clearly plays to the camera and gives good “villain face.”
We’re certainly convinced. If we saw him in the supermarket produce section going through the fava beans and with a bottle of Chianti in his shopping cart, we’d definitely run the other way.
So alright, Stefan, possum. It’s fine to play nice, but not too nice, you hear?
Tom Colicchio: “You’ll Never Beat the Cast from Season 3”
This, at least, is what the Ursus Major told Dale Levitski’s mother at the finale of Season 3, held in Chicago just before filming on Season 4 started, as Dale recounts in a new interview with Chicagoist.
Oddly enough, we had of late found ourselves missing those Miami folks. Not that this photograph of Brian MFMalarkey (sans chapeau!) as the Karate-You've-Got-to-Be-Kidding-Me from this past weekend had anything to do with it.
And you know, possums, we did find it terribly telling that this season hasn't been the subject of hyperbolic praise for how much better the contestants are. Most telling of all: Tom saying during Judges' Table on last week's episode that we were in for a "nice" season. Ouch! Don't be so enthusiastic there, Papa Bear.
Other interesting tidbits from Dale's interview:
* He's still living with Season 3's Sara Nguyen, but they don't have cable.
* Of Hung Huynh's victory: "I won, but he got the check."
* He was supposed to appear on Season 4, but had a conflict of interest because it was he who had recommended eventual winner Stephanie Izard to producers.
* His new restaurant still needs investment money. Perhaps certain men from certain Bravo reality shows would be better served by putting their money into a new restaurant venture from a talented chef than by spending it on life-sized plastic dolls who claim to be 29 (yeah, right). So come on, sugar daddies, pony up.
Richard Sweeney’s Wistful Missed Manhattan Connection
Ah, the wonders of Craigslist, possums....Click to enlarge and reminisce.
And Then There Were 15: The Bottom Falls Out of Team Rainbow
Oh possums, what’s a pink triangle without its third leg?
Yes, it’s tragic, but Team Rainbow is a little less GAYGBIV now that adorable TwinkleGay Patrick Dunlea has been sent packing along with his knives.
How little we knew him, possums. So what sort of a send-off could we give him other than to rummage through screencaps and Bravo-provided photos as sources of juvenile puns and double entendres?
On with the show about a fresh-faced novice in a cloistered environment.
Oh yes, possums, the hills are alive with the sound of gayness.
Remember when they didn't let gays into the CIA?
The Mother Superior teaches our novice how to make a chicken sandwich.
The Mother Superior, now out of drag, tells our young novice that he must travel to meet the gruff Captain Vongerichten, and seeks to guide him with an inspirational song.
Sample lyrics:
Pare ev’ry apple,
Brunoise and cream.
Follow ev’ry rainbow
Till you find your Team,
A Team that will need
Catchphrase t-shirts galore,
Every day of the week
At Bravo’s online store.
Little does the young novice know that very soon the title of yet another song, “Sixteen Going on Seventeen,” will prove prophetic.
Sadly, the meeting with Captain Vongerichten does not go well. Our young novice learns that simply adding bok choy doesn't make a dish Chinese. Neither, for that matter, do Lettuce cups, no matter how big.
Tragically, our novice never learnt the sung lesson, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Rice Noodles?" Still, he did manage to learn other valuable lessons chez Captain Vongerichten.
For example, lips together, teeth apart.
Much better.
Our novice also learnt about the joys and the perils of, um, overreaching. Anyone in Richard's position would certainly pardon the reach of that server.
Finally, our novice learnt that his biggest asset would be his flexibility, which would make him very popular indeed.
Such flexibility!
And now, the young novice has returned from the house of Captain Vongerichten to a friendlier embrace....
Well, slap us upside the head and call us postmodern, but this is a photograph that comments on itself, that comes with its own caption. By Jove, the t-shirt itself seems to tell us why the wearer is so awkwardly seated in the other chappy’s lap. And are they holding glasses of Uncle Max’s very pink lemonade? Ah, that is truly one of our favorite things.
At any rate, possums, here our story ends, but fear not. All's well that ends twinkling.
The Inner Queen Inside Amuse-Biatch Is Screaming to Know Where Padma Is and What She Is Wearing
No, seriously, possums, what is she wearing? Is that any way to welcome people to New York?
Oh Padma, how can poor Richard Sweeney go back to those queens in the San Diego gay bar and tell them you were dressed like Pete Doherty? You owe your gays a little something, and you'd better step it up.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Amuse-Biatch Recommends: Put a Ringtone On It
Possums, no doubt you will be shocked to discover the existence of hardcore Top Chef followers, but we assure you, it’s quite true.
Among this merry band are the possums at the DEPLORABLE/BEAUTIFUL blog. Indeed, so obsessive are they that they have created, just for you, a free ringtone from the song of the Paring Knife of Damocles that hangs over the cheftestants’ fate on every episode. Did we mention the ringtone is free? So if you like your phone, you should put a ringtone on’t.
Was “Top Chef” in the Tank for Barack Obama?
To wit:
“You know what? This troublemaker from a little rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean did something with his life.”
Lauren Hope Starling: Padma Lakshmi Is a High-Maintenance, Shiny-Nosed Bitch!
Well, possums, it looks like Lauren Hope Starling has finally learned to use that paring knife after all, and she's turning it on our Padma and joining this praise-Tom-and-bury-Padma club started by Anthony Bourdain. Lauren tells YumSugar:
"I feel that Tom [Colicchio] was portrayed accurately. He's very kind and well educated. He's obviously earned his place in the industry. As for Padma [Lakshmi], they do a very nice job editing and she comes out looking nice. She's not a person I would like to hang out with. I'm pretty easy going and not high maintenance. Everyone has to do their own hair and makeup, but she has a glam squad surrounding her at all times. They had to stop filming every two minutes to powder her nose."
Bright knives, big city indeed.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Amuse-Biatch Programming Note: The Formation of Team Rainbow
The video clearly demonstrates that, as usual in the gay community, it was the lesbians doing the organizing while the twinks were off somewhere procuring booze or making coffee for scary-looking tops with German accents.
Bravo wasted no time in trying to capitalize on Team Rainbow (somebody in marketing give Jamie Lauren a job, stat) with t-shirts. In response, and overcome by a bout of civic-mindedness, the Gals have offered a host of brilliant marketing suggestions to Bravo. And now we have put our nonexistent Photoshop skills to the test to join our voices with theirs, but this time to address ourselves to NBC itself. NBC, like all the broadcast networks, is in desperate need of a hit. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is no more, and Heroes is on life support. So why not take synergy to the next level and greenlight Team Rainbow as a midseason replacement? Picture it: a trio of gays with super powers who travel back in time to prevent disasters such as the passing of Proposition 8 in California, Michelle Obama’s Election Night dress, and Madonna’s discovery of Kabbalah.
STARRING:
(Although, for obvious reasons, My Little Pony hairbrush not included with action figure).
Think about it, NBC. Save the male cheerleader, save the world. (Oh, and need we mention that Richard Sweeney was, in fact, a male cheerleader).
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: The Chip on Eugene Villiatora's Shoulder About Culinary School Grows Too Heavy for Shoulder, Needs Its Own Cooler
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Anthony Bourdain: Padma Lakshmi Unfit to Host “Top Chef,” Much Less Be the New Secretary of State
Possums, why is this man laughing?
Well, now we know why, and are certain he won't be back on Top Chef.
According to the Miami New Times, professional provocateur Anthony Bourdain had less than kind words to say about our Padma, finding her the hostess with the leastest:
"...Bourdain said he was a huge fan of host and fellow chef Tom Colicchio but snubbed co-host...Padma Lakshmi. Jabbing at the beauty’s intelligence, he said she wouldn’t be his first choice for Barack Obama’s cabinet...[sic]or to host a show."
Welcome to Miami, bienvenido a Meow-mi.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Amuse-Biatch Spelling Bee-atch: By GeorgeS, Bravo Has Done It Again!
Well, possums, they can't seem to get it right.
Last season, when they only had Jean-Georges Vongerichten's pastry chef on, they misspelled his name as "Jean Gorges" (besides misspelling the pastry chef's name). And now that they have the man himself--who is repeatedly lauded as one of the greatest chefs in the country--on as a guest judge, they've done it again. Tsk, tsk, Bravo. What happened to living up to the exacting standards of New York?
For First Meeting of Fabian Society, Amuse-Biatch Presents Gratuitous and Suggestive Images of Thick-Accented Italian with Bodice-Ripper Name
Photographic Evidence Clears Thick-Accented European of Anti-Americanism Charges Made by Thick-Accented Nativist with Mispronounced Foreign Surname
Possums, as even The New York Times has noted, there was a whiff of anti-European sentiment in this first episode the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the days of freedom fries. It’s like Gangs of New York all over again.
Here is our attempt at a phonetic transcription of the charges that brought this controversy to a simmer:
Fawbio and Stefawn, they think Americans are lowah than them, just by theah personality and what they say, I don’t understand the Amereecan tawk, you know. I’m like, Listen, braow, you’re in my backyahd. Fawbio and Stefawn can open theah mouths as much as they want. It’s just going to make them look unprofessional and immachoh.
These charges of anti-Americanism were made by Mayflower descendant John Smith—er, make that one Daniel Gagnon (hard “g,” if you please; wouldn’t want people to think it was a French or furrin last name).
Let us leave aside the fact that when the American talk comes from the mouth of Monsieur Gagnon, we don’t understand it either. Let us also leave aside the fact that “Fawbio” [Fabio Viviani] is married to an American woman, and lives in the Republican bastion of Ventura County, California, where his restaurant is located a skip and a hop from the site of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and the Rodney King verdict.
And we can afford to leave these things aside because we have incontrovertible proof that Monsieur Gagnon’s accusations of anti-Americanism on the part of Signore Viviani are baseless. To wit:
How could anyone who so clearly enjoys dressing up as Wonder Woman even be suspected of anti-Americanism? What could be more American than Wonder Woman (or tattooing what looks like a dollar sign over one's heart)?
Well, how about Catwoman?
In light of this overwhelming evidence, we demand that Monsieur Gagnon withdraw these groundless accusations immediately. For shame, Monsieur, for shame! After all, lest you forget, the title of this episode is “Melting Pot,” which we took to be a cultural allusion—unless, of course, it refers to Padma’s favorite, um, dish. So, Monsieur Gagnon, in the immortal words of the similarly Gallic-named En Vogue, freedom-fry your mind, and the rest will follow.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
And Then There Were 16: In Irony Worthy of Alanis Morissette, Army Wife Becomes Cannon Fodder
Well, possums, it was bound to happen.
No, not because Army wife Lauren Starling Hope went into enemy territory overconfident, expecting to be greeted with flowers and a chef’s coat with her name embroidered on it. No, she went home because narrative expediency and historical precedent demanded it.
Of late on Top Chef, it seems as if the person with the most Lifetime TV-worthy narrative is the first one to be oh-so-sweetly pykagged. Last season, for example, the first victim was Nimma Osman, a young Muslim woman who worried her family wouldn’t exactly rejoice in her appearance on reality television and who showed up shy and wide-eyed in Chicago only to encounter presumably un-Quranic lesbians (gasp!) in a Pizzeria Uno.
To be sure, the mother (or should we say father?) of these Dickensian eliminations took place on Top Chef: Miami, when Clay Bowen—a sweet, wide-eyed, attendrissant rube of a lad from Mississippi who was determined to win Top Chef because his chef father had committed suicide after a lifetime of failure—was the first to go.
So of course it makes perfect sense that an Army wife (hello, Lifetime!) whose husband is stationed in Iraq—er, Eye-raq—and who went on Top Chef so as to have some respite from tying a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree should be the first to go. You can’t get a better narrative than that.
And yet there were extra fillips and flourishes of coincidence that served to reinforce the pitiless nature of narrative. Beneath the Quickfire Challenge's surface trope of little apple serving as gateway to the Big Apple, there was a darker, more poignant, symbolic undercurrent. After all, what cruel deity uses apples as the cannonballs of fate for an Army wife? For what could be more patriotic, more American (in an episode with overtones of America vs. the world) than apples, whether in a brunoise or made into a pie? (We don’t have the heart to chide Lauren, even gently, on her mispronunciation of “brunoise”; à quoi bon?). Let us not forget that though Lauren announced on the episode that she was from Savannah (which has its own appeal as making a Southerner the first person to be kicked off on each of the last three seasons), she is actually from Ohio, home of—you guessed it—Johnny Appleseed.
And need we mention—our eyes glittering with the mad fire of a homeless conspiracy theorist—that when Clay Bowen was kicked off in Miami, the Quickfire Challenge that proved the beginning of his undoing involved…an apple?! (Give us some time, possums, and we’ll do for apples what others have done for the Freemasons, the Rosicrucians and the Knights Templar.)
To make the elimination more wrenching, of course, of course it had to be a choice between Lauren and little Patrick, her long-lost, well, we were going to say pocketgay or twink, but Miss XaXa suggested we call him a country crock.
To our furrowed, questioning brow, she replied, “Cos don’t you just wanna spread ‘im on toast?”
How could we possibly answer that?
So, as we were saying, it was between Army Wife and TwinkleGay, that eternal, patriotic choice: For Queen or Country?
A dilemma made all the more poignant by their squealing reunion. Awww, we said to ourselves, trying to find hope in a post-Prop 8 world, the Army Wife has a Gay Friend—
“Uh,” Miss XaXa interrupted. “She does not have a gay friend. That little Patty Melt is definitely not her friend. Have you seen her publicity stills?”
We took a moment to do just that, and oh....
Lauren, hon, you may not have asked, but we have to tell.
Eeek! What were you thinking?
Well, at least you got your chef’s jacket, even if it doesn’t have your name on it.
You know, possum, a woman who loves gays and bacon can be forgiven many things, but this is beyond the Palin.
How could you have gone to that from this?
We understand that an Army wife’s duties include not sitting under the apple tree with anyone else but—oops, sorry about the apple mention—but this is not World War II. There is no call to play Betty Grable on the side of a bomber plane, and in camo at that.
And Patrick, possum, we will have stern words for you, young man. Gays don’t let friends dress drunk.
Possum Bonus: Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Thursday: Baltimore's Jill Snyder Gives You a Peek at Her Chesapeakes
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Show Toons: The Impossible Dream: Don Queerjoto and Sancho Pauncha
And possums, does Danny Gagnon ever have a "panza"! It's the Belly of the Beast.
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Who Winked It Best?
Sometimes, possums, they make our job so easy. Yes, indeed, not only did Floridian Jeff McInnis—born, we kid you not, in the town of Niceville—draw a Breck Girl target on himself with his magical comb, he also winked during the opening credits. Winked, possums, winked. Oh what fun we’re going to have with this swampwater Rapunzel!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Padma’s Quantum of Solace to First Pykagged Cheftestant: “There’s a fairy waiting for you”
Amuse-Biatch Pictionary: “Brunoise”
According to Wikipedia:
“Brunoise is a method of food preparation in which the food item is first julienned and then turned 90° and diced again, producing cubes of a side length of about 3 mm on each side or less. Common items to be brunoised are leeks, turnips and carrots. The diced vegetables are blanched briefly in salty boiling water and then submerged in ice water for a few seconds to set the color. The brunoise is often used as a garnish in many dishes. A common dish which often uses a brunoise as a garnish is a consommé. A brunoise must be very consistent in size and shape, as it helps to ultimately create a visual effect.”
New York City Girds Its Loins in Preparation for Tonight's Arrival of Tomzilla
Or should that be King Tom?
You know, possums, if we were any good at Photoshop, or if Bravo had found someone wittier, you’d be looking at an image of Tom Colicchio astride the Empire State Building, a scantily clad Padma (not much of a stretch, that) held tightly in one huge paw.
As it is, you can practically hear the screams of terror and relief from the people in that little yellow cab as they flee Manhattan to escape the marrow-freezing smirk on that oversized bear, and his unflattering and mismatched outfit.
And so, eight months to the day after the premiere of Top Chef: Chicago, we will finally see what it’s like when the Top Chef chicken comes home to roost.
Monday, November 10, 2008
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