Breaking News: Salman Rushdie Lays an Egghead

Once again, we begin by pointing out that we have exercised a great deal of decorum and restraint by not using the photograph of Padma Lakshmi naked and slathered in war paint.

However, as our legion of faithful readers (all three of them) knows, the restraint ends there.

Though we have a great deal of fun roasting her, we have become increasingly fond of Padma as hostess of this season of "Top Chef." Lawd knows she's an endless source of material; we haven't needed a scratching post for weeks now. But we especially love her when we don't have to do anything at all, when, like a self-basting turkey, she does all the work of roasting for us.

Take this Sunday's article in entertainment bible Variety devoted to fashion models turned entrepreneurs. (Inflation being what it is, it elevates Padma to "supermodel." Puh-leeze. Perhaps, since the article is also about Heidi Klum and Tyra Banks, they didn't want to make Padma feel bad, but really, if you ask us, neither Heidi nor Tyra counts as a supermodel either; that era died long ago, when George Michael had a career, and wearing a push-up bra and a pair of angel wings doesn't turn you into a supermodel.)

At any rate, the article is chock-full of quotes and observations so delicious, so orotundly vapid and pompous, that all we have to do is plate them, add a sprig of parsley, and present them for your delectation. This, we hereby do.

"She says she also picked up pointers from [Tyra] Banks when they worked together in Europe ('She taught me how to shade in my nose')...." Isn't it lovely to see that even back then, brush and powder in hand, Tyra was prepping for her role as mentor to America's Next Top Chef Hostess to Replace Another Vapid Child Bride of Paunchy Older Rich Guy?

"[Models] seek control when they get out of modeling. Martha Stewart started out as a model." Yes, we seem to remember her modeling a prison-knit poncho from the Camp Cupcake Collection.

"The self-described 'egghead'... writes a syndicated New York Times column on food...." Egghead? Really? No doubt that's what drew Salman Rushdie to her. Oh, and when you look at the New York Times website, there is no mention whatsoever of Padma writing any columns. The Gray Lady tends to make Padma the subject of columns, rather than the author, such as the delicious takedown by Guy Trebay where he portrayed her as a limelight-seeking hustler.

"[S]he's not quite as ingratiating on camera as [Heidi] Klum and [Tyra] Banks.... But there's also a lack of frivolity about Lakshmi that is less populist and more serious-minded. When asked why she doesn't write about fashion or develop her own line, she cites an 'an academic interest in the subject but there's only so long you can go on about "buy this shoe or that purse,"' says Lakshmi. 'I'd like my contribution to the world to be more profound.'" It's statements like that one which make us want to bring out the naked war paint picture of the "less populist" People's Princess.

"Says [Bravo president Lauren] Zalaznick of Bravo's newly minted star: 'Padma is a deep thinker. She brings a more opinioned world view to "Top Chef" and to everything she does. People are drawn to her. The fact that she's incredibly striking looking doesn't hurt either.'" Ok, that's it; we're definitely bringing out the naked war paint pic.

Project Pontificate

So why did “Top Chef” finally hit its stride with the third episode of this season?

Well, at the risk of pontificating like Marcel, we have a theory. We think it’s because Episode Three saw the near-total “Project Runway”-fication of the show, and that’s a good thing.

If we’re honest, “Project Runway” has always had an inherent advantage over “Top Chef” (and no, we don’t mean the obvious ones like Tim Gunn and the Three Horsebitches of the Apocalypse, Heidi Klum, Michael Kors and Nina Garcia). Fashion design is inherently more visual, and thus telegenic, than cookery, which makes it perfect for a reality television competition. We’ve all got eyes, so we can all judge whether an outfit looks good, and this helps us become more involved as audience members.

Of course there’s a visual element to food, but as Gail reminded us this week, food is for eating. There’s no way we, lounging, as we do, in a moiré dressing-gown in our well-appointed sitting room at Withering Depths under our Boldini portrait, can judge how good any dish on “Top Chef” tastes. This means we simply cannot get as worked up about which untasted and untasteable dish tastes better and therefore should win. So yes, although “Top Chef” is a reality television competition about food, it’s not really about the food.

So what does that leave? Well, the competition part, which mean interpersonal drama, bitchery and hi-jinks galore, bien sûr. That’s what will make for entertainment, and that’s what we got in spades last night. That has been the complaint from some about the most recent season of “Project Runway,” and it appears to have migrated to “Top Chef.” So now we have a hostess best known for posing in bikinis and lingerie, challenges that involve shopping and budgets, and time limits, and sponsor-monikered tools and amenities (à la Macy’s Accessory Wall and Loreal Paris Make-up Room), delusional contestants who self-destruct à la Vincent Libretti (we mean you, Beer Bong, though Marcel might fit, too), and cheating scandalets (like pantalets and pantaloons, when it comes to scandal, we can conceive of scandalets and scandaloons). It may not be good eating, but it’s certainly good television. Watchin’ good in the neighborhood (yes, yes, our scullery maid has told us that’s not the TGIFriday’s slogan, but you catch our drift).

Defrosting the Hostess Cupcakes

As you may have noticed, despite our early posts on the subject, we haven't really discussed Padma Lakshmi's performance as hostess, now that we've actually seen it. There are two reasons for that, which we'll get to eventually. But keeping in mind the previous hostess, Katie Lee Joel, let's first do some comparisons, shall we?

Padma's age: 36 -- Katie Lee's age: 25.

Salman Rushdie's age: 59 -- Billy Joel's age: 57.

Age difference between Padma & Salman: 23 years.

Age difference between Katie Lee & Joel: 32 years.

Padma & Salman food-related quote:

"Get some green seedless grapes, take them off the stems and freeze them. They become like hard, little marbles. They're great to feed your lover in bed. You can imagine the rest. But use the green ones, not the red ones because the red ones stain the sheet. Just keep them in the fridge - you never know when a date is going to end up back at your place."

Katie Lee & Billy Joel food-related quote:

"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex?
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex."

Sorry, Katie Lee. The advantage goes to Padma. Not to be stingy, though, Miss XaXa does praise the smart little clutch in the picture at right, all the while questioning the whereabouts of her upper lip. Come to think of it, "Smart Little Clutch" might just be a good nickname for Katie Lee.

At any rate, back to Padma. We haven't said anything about her performance on the first episode because, frankly, what performance? It's almost as if she wasn't there. We can't remember much about her other than her impeccable shoes, yet another area where she outdoes poor Katie Lee. But for that very reason, we almost missed Katie Lee, and the opportunity to make catty comments about her uncanny resemblance to another Katie, Ms. Holmes, and about her aesthetic transformation from Junior League to War Bride Chic.

Say what you will about Heidi Klum (and we have much to say, especially about her heretofore unsuspected milkmaid's giggle at Jeffrey fart jokes), she is clearly in charge at "Project Runway." Of course, it may have more to do with her being a creator and producer of the show than with any Prussian propensity for taking charge, but she keeps her two tigers, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors, on a leash. (Apropos of nothing, we were reminded of the delicious putdown from last season's "Nip/Tuck": cold, jugmental, Michael Kors-wearing ass).

But we also haven't said anything precisely because it was Padma's first show. She says on her blog that she felt like the new kid at school, and we feel it's only fair to let her get her bearings. But the amnesty expires tomorrow at 10 p.m. After that, our motto is, Hey, Marcel, wanna see our knives?