Tuesday, June 19, 2007

“Top Chef” Shocker! Gay Cannibal Declines to Eat Tom Colicchio!!

You know, possums, it must be difficult for journalists to resist BabbaWawwics, the urge to ask kooky questions that will elicit revealing answers, e.g., Barbara Walters’ own immortal, if perhaps somewhat apocryphal, “What kind of tree would you be?”

This may perhaps explain why the boys at gay news website AfterElton.com posed this question to Top Chef judge Ted Allen:

“You’re trapped on a deserted island with Tom Colicchio, Carson Kressley and Rupert Everett. Whom do you eat to survive, and how would you prepare them?”

Our first reaction was to say, “Congratulations, possums, on making another successful connection between gays and cannibalism! Gay blood libel, yay!”

Actually, if we’re honest, our first reaction was, “Nice going on the ‘whom.’”

Miss XaXa, as usual, was a bit more sanguine, “Oh come on, they just wanted to ask a dirty question. What’s wrong with that? Besides, he’s not a cannibal. Maneater, maybe; cannibal, no. Look at those adorably rabbity front teeth. He eats carrots, not people.”

She did, however, have a problem with Ted Allen’s answer, which was:

“First of all, I’m not eating Carson. He’d be all stringy. Carson is a little too lean. Tom Colicchio is a delicious-looking man, but I think I’d have to go with Rupert. Many of us in the community would find him the most delicious. If we’re on a desert island, I’d dig a pit. Something spicy or sort of Caribbean would be good for Rupert Everett.”

“Rupert Everett?!?” sneered Miss XaXa. “He’s like that rib you throw back on the platter because there’s not enough meat. Not worth the mess.”

Did we mention that Miss XaXa is from the South?

Our objection was, “Rupert Everett is so venomous that eating him would be like eating fugu.”

“Don’t you mean ‘fagu’?”

We had to concede the justness of that.

Still, seeing as how Tom Colicchio is all meat, the very definition of “beefy,” we were at a loss to explain Ted Allen’s answer. But then it hit us: this was an LSAT question, a logic puzzle.

Let’s say you were stranded on a desert island with hot daddybear Tom Colicchio, Carson Kressley, and Rupert Everett. You may be there for years, or however long it takes J.J. Abrams to screw up the concept, and you want to end up with Tom. What do you do? First, you get rid of the competition. Rupert Everett is much better-looking than Carson Kressley, and if anybody’s going to turn Tom gay, it would be Rupert. And so, pet to pot. That leaves Carson, who is indeed stringy, but since Tom is such a good chef, he would be able to give him the Crafsteak treatment and tenderize him. And that leaves you and Tom.

Ted Allen, you’re a genius. We’re sorry we ever doubted you.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you, delicious A/B, for the analysis! I knew that question was going to get me in trouble one way or another. What AfterElton neglected to mention was that I said, in preparing Rupert Everett, I would give him a nice, long, spicy rub. Cayenne, paprika, that sort of thing.

Please to continue--you are doing the Lord's work.
xoxox --Ted

Marius said...

Of course Ted is a genius. Also, I suspect Tom has way too much adipose tissue and not enough muscle. Rupert is not the gay man he used to be. He was fugu at one point in time, but that was a long time ago. The poor man is alone and depressed. I feel for him; I really do. And I still consider myself a fan.

Laz said...

It rubs the cayenne on its skin...

furniture jati said...

article from a very amazing, Good Job, Thank you for presenting a wide variety of information that is very interesting to see in this artikle


wisata karimunjawa
and jual furniture
or jepara furniture
and toko tenun

tenun ikat said...

article from a very amazing, Good Job, Thank you for presenting a wide variety of information that is very interesting to see in this artikle

LEMARI
lemari pakaian minimalis
lemari pakaian 3 pintu
lemari hias anak
almari arsip ukir
lemari pakaian modern
lemari pakaian 2 pintu
almari rak buku
lemari pakaian jati
lemari pakaian rahwana
lemari baju besar
lemari pakaian anak
lemari pakaian jati
lemari pakaian kecil
lemari pakaian jati
lemari hias pajangan
lemari dokumen ukiran
lemari pakaian mewah
lemari pakaian duco
lemari pakaian ukir
lemari pakaian pahatan
almari minimalis jati
almari pakaian antik
almari ukir jati
almari pakaian minimalis
almari pakaian mahoni
almari pakaian jati
almari hias jati
almari nakas minimalis
almari pajangan kaca
almari nakas
lemari nakas

Syaiful wisata said...

greath post, Thank you for presenting a wide variety of information that is very interesting to see in this artikle
wisata karimunjawa

tour karimunjawa

paket wisata karimunjawa

tour karimunjawa

wisata karimunjawa

paket karimunjawa

wisata karimunjawa

liburan karimunjawa

paket karimunjawa murah

paket wisata karimunjawa

paket karimunjawa murah

paket wisata karimunjawa

tour karimunjawa

tour karimunjawa murah

backpacker karimunjawa

liburan karimunjawa murah

jual pantai karimunjawa

jual pulau karimunjawa


Link Anyar
toko mebel ukir

jual kursi jati

furniture anak murah

tempat tidur

sofa ruang tamu murah

toko mebel jepara

meja makan murah

kursi ruang tamu

toko mebel jepara

toko furniture jepara

toko tenun jepara

kain tenun jepara

toko sangkar burung

toko tenun troso