We don’t know whether this has ever happened to you. You’re in the middle of—
“Uh-uh,” interrupts Miss XaXa. “Remember our younger readers.”
Right. Let’s see, how do we say this delicately?
Ok, so, let’s say you’re breaking the Sixth Commandment (despite being raised Catholic, we’ve fallen so far from grace that we actually had to look up what it was), or committing the crime against nature (no, Jessica Simpson and Ken Pavé, we don’t mean hair extensions), and it’s going well—very well, in fact—and then your codefendant calls you by the wrong name, or worse still, mispronounces your real name.
What do you do? Do you stop what you’re doing and correct your codefendant?
Of course, that’s not our real dilemma. Our philosophy is: if they’re good at what they’re doing (or their nickname is “Chrome”), we don’t care what they call us. As a practical Southerner, Miss XaXa says, “Why do you think I call all my boys, ‘Sugar’? It avoids the whole problem.” (And that’s why we call everyone, “Possum.” It’s so much cheaper than a PalmPilot or a little black book.)
No, our real dilemma is, Do you kiss and tell?
“Oh, puh-leeze,” responded Miss XaXa. “Have you any idea what the phone lines and the brunch restaurants sound like on Sunday mornings in Chelsea, WeHo and the Castro? It’s nothing but kiss and tell. In fact, the telling’s usually more fun than the kissing.”
As always, we had no answer to what we call her “Mason-Dixie line.”
So here’s the scoop, possums. On Wednesday night, during Bravo’s post-show webcast, “Watch What Happens,” Amuse-Biatch got a shout-out from none other than button-eyed Bravo VP, boy reporter and blogger Raggaydy Andy Cohen himself.
Mind you, being on the West Coast and wanting to avoid spoilers, we had no idea it was happening. “Typical of so many bad dates,” says Miss XaXa. “So many times you’re not even aware it’s happening, and you don’t even have Rohypnol as an excuse.”
Raggaydy Andy, answering a question from John from Long Island (“Um, watching last week’s episode, it seems like Cliff's attack on Marcel took place before the head shaving; did that happen?”), started off his answer thus:
“That’s a really good question. There’s been a lot of conspiracy theories on blogs [like]Ah-MOOSE-beeyotch, hilarious Top Chef blog, they have some great stuff on there….”
We might be delusional, but we swear we also heard Tom Colicchio saying, “Yeah,” and laughing in the background, and Lord knows that when Papa Bear laughs, our porridge is just right.
And we knew, just for a moment, what Pauline Kael felt when she went to watch Willow and found that George Lucas had included a character named General Kael.
Anyway, thanks for the shout-out, Andy. And possums, if you want to check it out after your brunch of ricotta-blueberry pancakes, Negronis, and Valium, the link is here.
It’s under Top Chef - Jan 24, Part 4, at the 2:05 minute mark.
P.S. And an Amuse-Biatch shout-out to reader egyptchick7, who was the first to break through our Rohypnol haze, slap us around a little, throw some cold water on us, and let us know what had happened.