The Real World: New York—Bravo Shows Hellish Vision of Limbo as a Halfway House for the PYKAGged and the Dispossessed

Possums, we have just come from Bravo’s website, where we saw the most terrifying neologism since “extraordinary rendition,” namely, “sequester house.” Don’t it sound all Patriot Act?

It indeed turns out to be scary. It’s the house where those who have “gone down on apples,” cooked gummy noodles, or were done in by ostrich eggs are imprisoned while the rest of the competition goes on. It’s done presumably to prevent leaks and spoilers about the results of the competition. If a TwinkleGay leaves home to be on Top Chef and returns a few days later, well, you know what’s happened, don’t you?

And starting this week, Bravo will show scenes online from this house of horrors (for sample, click the vid above).

As you may have gathered, we’re all for deconstructionism, but this is a terrible idea. When Lauren was sent packing on that ferry, like Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl, having just been reunited with, and cruelly separated from, erstwhile best friend, TwinkleGay Patrick, well, who didn’t shed a secret, glycerine tear at the tragedy? After all, what’s a hag without her fag, a fruit fly without her fruit?

But though Padma rained on her parade, Lauren discovers at the sequester house that she is one of the luckiest people in the world (i.e., people who need gay people). And really, where’s the fun in that? Who needs the uplift?

The dead should stay dead, the PYKAGged PYKAGged to the end. We want the poignancy, the cruelty, the reality-tv bloodlust sated by the Padma-wielded whims of fate. We want real battle casualties, not Civil War reenactments where they get up from the battlefield to have lunch.

And so, unless this is going to turn into Big Brother (unlikely, though Bravo's Raggaydy Andy Cohen is a huge fan), with hot tub orgies and the like, we want none of this. We don't want reality-show revenants sitting around, drinking beer and contractually prohibited from doing the horizontal mambo. What's the good in that? We reserve the right to change our minds, but for the time being, this doesn’t look good.

Jill Snyder’s Heartbreaking Cri de Cœur: I’m Unskilled Because I’m American!

Oh dear, Lon Guyland patriot Danny Gagnon is sure to be gaggin’ on this.

Sure, from the mid-calf down, the lanky lass is all red, white, and blue. But this daughter of the Liberty Bell state and resident of the city that gave birth to “The Star-Spangled Banner” tells a different story when she opens her pillowy lips. As she related to our pals at Grub Street:

You know, if I lived in Italy my whole life, I’d probably have a lot of skill, too.

Aw snap, Betsy Ross.

But don’t worry, possum, we believe you. You lost the New American cuisine challenge because you didn’t grow up in Italy. What could be more logical?

Is it any wonder that she is contemplating becoming an actress? (We do give her points for joking that she’s going to buy an ostrich farm.)

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Jill Gets Jacked

Possum Bonus: Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Thursday: Baltimore's Jill Snyder Gives You a Peek at Her Chesapeakes

Wayward and Biatchstein Investigate: Baltimore’s Jill Snyder Identified as “Top Chef” Contestant

A little possum told us that one of the cheftestants competing on the next season of Top Chef is Jill Snyder, executive chef of Red Maple in the Mount Vernon neighborhood of Baltimore. The same little possum told us that Ms. Snyder's audition video for Top Chef had been posted on YouTube, but that spoilsport Bravo had jacked Jill and made her take it down.

Naturally, we set to looking into this, and--wouldn't you know it--this video did indeed exist on YouTube on some point, but now has been mysteriously scrubbed clean from everywhere it was posted. This was all that we could find, this spoor, this tantalizing trace:








As you can see, it's rather difficult to get a close look at Ms. Snyder, but there is enough there for us to hazard a guess that the woman in the first picture on this post (from Red Maple's website, which does not identify the subject of the photo) is none other than the fair Jill. There are, to our eyes at any rate, suggestive similarities in the shape of the nose and mouth; likewise, the band in the hair is similar, and the earrings appear to be the same. This is by no means definitive, but we think it's a good hunch. Still, if you happen to have a photo of the telegenic Ms. Snyder, please feel free to send it in.

(We also discovered that Ms. Snyder's audition tape was put together by Marcus Morelli, who happens to have the following food-related video on Funny or Die, which itself has a Colicchio-sponsored, food-related partner site, Eat Drink or Die):

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

According to the restaurant's website, "[w]ith every seasonal menu update Executive Chef Jill Snyder and her staff consistently deliver gastronomic feng shui" (!!). Further, "[t]he Red Maple menu is focused on obtaining locally grown and raised foodstock while at the same time drawing upon globally influenced spicing, marinading, food prep and cooking techniques." On verra.

At any rate, possums, please keep the tips coming.