Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Works on Her Summer Tan (Bikini)

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday

Padma Lakshmi from the pages of this month's FHM India Magazine. (Yes, possums, the country that until recently was prosecuting Richard Gere for kissing an actress in public now has FHM. Yay! That's progress, non?)

















70's Cher Bob Mackie doll.

Compare and contrast. 50 words maximum.

Amuse-Biatch Goes a Little Bit Grubby, a Little Bit Street

Possums, usually we don’t like to blow our own trumpet (we’ll skip the requisite dirty pause just this once), but today we’ll make an exception, and you’ll see why.

In the normal course of events, New York magazine restaurant critic Adam Platt and Grub Street’s editor, Josh Ozersky, run every week’s Top Chef episode through an IM grinder. However, as Mr. Platt is in the Restaurant Critic Protection Program for a week, just to see how he might like it (should Jeffrey Chodorow really lose it someday), Josh kindly asked us to step into those big, red-sequined stilettos and add our own blade to the grinder. The results, full of gristle and snark, can be seen here.

We thank Josh for the invite, and will look for just the right Padma Lakshmi photograph to express our appreciation.

Padma Lakshmi Stalker Alert: Salman's Joy's Got Nuts After Her Mounds

Oh possums, as if the stresses of not blogging and of getting her hair done weren't enough, now comes news that Padma Lakshmi has yet another thing to worry her.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, “rocker” Cisco Adler reveals that he has the blueballs for Padma:

What TV do you watch?
I'm a Seinfeld guy. And I was a diehard Law and Order fan for years. I'm a reality junkie. I'm sorry all you cut-rate actors, it's just better TV! I'm kind of into Hell's Kitchen, and totally into America's Next Top Model, just to look for my next girlfriend. They gotta be making their way to L.A. after the show wraps, right? And I love Top Chef. Whoever that hostess is, she's the hottest girl ever!

That would be Padma Lakshmi, who recently announced she's divorcing her husband, Salman Rushdie.
Padma, call me up, baby!

“Call me up, baby”?!? Well, he’s got big balls; we'll give him that.

And we do mean big. For those readers who are too genteel to be acquainted with Perez Hilton, let us explain that Cisco Adler is best known for having dated Mischa Barton and for suffering from what must be elephantiasis.

That's alright, possums, don't mind us. We'll wait 30 seconds while you Google "Cisco Adler + big balls" and get a good look at the infamous nekkid picture.

Welcome back, o ye of the seared retinas. So, as we were saying, Cisco's got balls. The ballsiest move of all? Letting it slip that Padma would be competing against Tyra's sloppy seconds for his, er, affections. Tsk, tsk. But if that thing with the billionaire that isn't really a thing doesn't work out, here's Padma's opportunity to have a ball.

So Sayeth Lady Rushdie

Possums, it is once again time for "So Sayeth Lady Rushdie," our occasional feature highlighting the surprisingly wise pronouncements of that bikini'd Oracle of Delphi, Padma, Lady Rushdie. Without further ado, let Her Ladyship speak:

"Why do you need more books?"
The London Sunday Times, March 11, 2007

Answer given by Lady Rushdie, owner of 250 pairs of shoes, to a question by her husband, Sir Salman, about why she needed so many shoes.

"But I do have a weakness for mistletoe. I keep it up practically until Easter!"
YOU Magazine, December 19, 2004

















And speaking of keeping it up, our favorite quote of the week: "Very nice sausage," Lady Rushdie's reaction to Brian Malarkey's barbecue dish.

As Miss XaXa said, dangerously skirting stereotypes, "Chino Latino?!? Brian, honey, you should have called it the Dirk Diggler." And then, turning to us, "She loves the sausage and shoes?! My God, I've been all wrong about her."

(Straight male and lesbian readers of this blog, please feel free to thank us for the photo of the Tamil temptress.)