Showing posts with label Photo Diary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Photo Diary. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Report from the Trencher
















On Saturday night, Miss XaXa, much like Marie Antoinette, girded her loins, stepped into her peep-toe Mary Janes, and headed for The Chopping Block. Fortunately, possums, she lived to tell us all about it.

The Chopping Block played host to a Top Chef cook-off between Season 3’s Dale Levitski and Season 2’s Josie Smith-Malave, with Ted Allen as a judge and Nick Verreos of Project Runway as master of ceremonies (Joel Grey has nothing on him). The cook-off was a fundraiser for a charity that is near and dear to our hearts, the Gender Public Advocacy Coalition, an organization devoted to ensuring that classrooms and workplaces are safe for people who don’t conform to gender type—and so that middle school boys don’t get murdered by their classmates.

Uncle Ted was impossibly svelte—wait, this man is a food critic?—and looked as though he’d just come from the spa. Uncle Nick had flawless skin—in fact, as Miss XaXa put it, “Bitch [the highest compliment we can pay] had the best skin of any man I’ve seen.” She suspects it’s that unbeatable genetic combo of Greek and Venezuelan ancestry, but we’re convinced there has to be more and want to know the name of the brujo who does his limpias, or the location of the pool where he does laps in Crème de la Mer. Josie was, as Miss XaXa, related, “a blast! Television did not do that woman justice.” As for Dale, you know all too well, possums, that we campaigned and lobbied for Dale as fan favorite, and dammit, he wuz robbed. We’re looking forward to trying his restaurant when it opens in Chicago, and for the record, he’s even brawnier and hunkier in the very solid flesh. As you can see from the pictures, a very good time indeed was had by all, and the entire evening was GenderPACked with fun.




Miss XaXa Wuz Definitely Not Robbed

Ted Allen and Miss XaXa Do Their Best to Mock Lindsay Lohan and Vanessa Minnillo


Hair Wars and a Hair Peace: It's a Mothereffin' Cook-off!



Josie Smith-Malave Has a XaXa Lesson


Sunday, April 20, 2008

Amuse-Biatch Pages Dr. Freud to Analyze Self-Avowed “Metrosexual’s” Photo Captions

Possums, one of our favorite features of Season 2 was the publication on Bravo's website of the cheftestants' photo diaries, as they were a veritable mother lode of self-revelatory material just waiting to be mined and deployed.

Sadly, though, last year the photos were so small they were well-nigh unusable, but Fortune has smiled on us this year. And so we will proceed to examine the best of this season's photodiaries. The captions are exactly as the cheftestants (presumably) wrote them. Our comments are in brackets, and the interpretations are entirely up to you.

And so, let us begin with this week's ousted, self-avowed "metrosexual," Ryan Scott.















"Is this a guy or a girl? Dublin doesn't know"
[Dr. Freud merely rolls his eyes, saying, in Viennese German, of course, "This is too easy, even for me. The dog of a self-avowed 'metrosexual' in San Francisco is sexually confused, perhaps reflecting the owner's own confusion? Tell me something I don't know." Fair enough, Herrdoktor.]
















"My babies"
[Herrdoktor Freud says, "Ah! What woman doesn't like to be infantilized and equated with her boyfriend's dog? No wonder Herr Scott is single."]
















"Is this a guy or a girl? Dublin doesn't know"
[Oops, sorry, wrong caption. The actual caption is, "Dub & I reading my friend's new cookbook," which, frankly, is far less enlightening as a caption. Reading, eh? Is that what they call it these days? Looks more like, er, tailgating to us. Another question: In his previous appearances in the photo diary, Dublin "Dub" Scott appears to be black, white, and brown, not all black like this pooch. Had Ryan drunk so much that he couldn't even identify his own dog? Herrdoktor Freud refuses to speculate, but inquiring minds want to know.]