Breaking Bravo Product-Placement News: Howie Kleinberg and Joey Paulino to Serve as New Spokesmen for Ex-Lax

JOEY BEFORE EX-LAX











JOEY AFTER EX-LAX












HOWIE BEFORE EX-LAX














HOWIE AFTER EX-LAX

Bravo's Big Picture: The Birdcage

Except that, as Miss XaXa pointed out, with Tom Colicchio and Norman Van Aken in the picture, it ought to be called The Bear Cage.










"Well," we reminded Miss XaXa, "Lady Rushdie does seem to have a thing for bears."

Did somebody say bears?










"Forget The Bear Cage. With these two, bear pit is more like it."

"Well, Bravo's Big Picture has been The Untouchables of late. Maybe we ought to call these two The Unbearables."

"Considering that tonight's the hot tub episode," said Miss XaXa, "I sure hope they're called the Unbare-ables. There are some things I just don't need to see, and floating manboobs are on that list."

"You don't have to worry," we reassured Miss XaXa. "It looks like Casey's bazooms are the ones doing all the floating."

And then, being constitutionally incapable of leaving well enough alone, we went a pun too far. "With Sandee, and Padma, and Tom and Joey and Howie, couldn't we call this episode, Lesbian and Tamil and Bears, Oh My?"

Miss XaXa did not deign to respond.

Pomp & Circumstantial Evidence: Romy & FauxMicah's High School Reunion

(Remember, possums, as with men, click to enlarge.)

Trouble Over Bridgewater: Fauxmicah Countered?

Don't blame Wayward and Biatchstein, possums. We merely followed our leads...to our inbox, that is.

As you may remember, cheftestant Micah Edelstein's Bravo bio lists "South Africa" as her hometown (whereas, for comparison's sake, the bio for Hung Huynh, who was born in Vietnam, lists Pittsfield, Mass., as his hometown). And we saw some rumblings on other blogs regarding the authenticity of Micah's South African accent, made by people who said they went to school with Micah. (And, as one reader pointed out, Micah did seem rather good at coming up with conflicting stories, e.g., telling the camera that she bought the lamb for her barbecue because it was on sale, but telling the judges that she did lamb because "we" (presumably her family, or perhaps South Africans in general) always barbecue lamb whereas Americans have hot dogs and hamburgers.)

In the interest of clearing up the confusion, we asked for documentary evidence, and Amuse-Biatch reader "T." obliged us. T. writes:

"I also went to Junior High and High School with Micah. She was in my homeroom.... We were not that friendly in school but she really didn't bother me. I have nothing against her; I just want to set the record straight. It is sad that she seems so ashamed of Bridgewater, Massachusetts, as to lie that her hometown is South Africa. Bridgewater is actually quite a town here in New England with a premiere State College that was actually the first teachers college in the country. Bridgewater is also home to a state prison, which has a mental hospital that is one of the best in the state. It is a very quaint New England town, which has grown a lot in the last 20 years but has been able to retain its charm. It is a much sought after town to live in and thus has very high housing prices.

....

I don't remember Micah having the accent in high school, but she didn't have a true Boston Accent either, just no accent. She has been well travelled her whole life; I remember her talking in home room about going to Europe and stuff when we were in Jr. High. I found it very interesting to listen to her tell others of her travels, since the majority of us never went anywhere past Cape Cod, New York or Florida to see grandparents.


She hung out with a lot of the popular/smart kids in school. I just think it is interesting seeing someone from my past on TV. She has always had this worldly cultured way about her so I am not surprised of how her life has gone. I wish her luck but hope she doesn't forget where she really came from because it is a place, though not exotic also not a place to be ashamed of."

Now, we should make it clear that it is Bravo, rather than Micah, which has listed "South Africa" as her hometown, so there's no proof that Micah is lying (well, except about the lamb). It's entirely conceivable that Micah mentioned Bridgewater, Mass., and Bravo opted for the more exotic place; or perhaps it was Micah who omitted Bridgewater. We simply have no way of knowing.

However, what most fascinates us is the glimpse into Micah's high school past because, for one, her high school had much better yearbook photography than ours. According to T, Micah was on the soccer and tennis teams. Check out the following pictures, possums (click on each picture for a larger version). And consider this Wayward and Biatchstein investigation closed.

Under Lady Rushdie's Umbrella-Ella-Ella-Eh-Eh-Eh

Possums, as you head off for the first full weekend of summer, which may involve rain for some of you, we thought we would offer this little tidbit about Lady Rushdie, since our Padma Lakshmi Weekly Fashion Review feature seems to have been made obsolete by the fact of an actual wardrobe budget this season.

Lesley Abravanel, the nightlife columnist for the Miami Herald, was one of the guests at the "upscale barbecue" featured in this week's episode, and she had this to report:

"I just remembered something else: Padma must be a total diva because she had someone following her with an umbrella until it was time to film. I didnt see an umbrella over Gail! "

The thing is, this rather makes us like Padma more. That's the spirit, Milady!

Mario Batali to Play King Lear as His Own Children Metaphorically Stab Him with a Sharpie

Possums, it's time to dust off your Harold Bloom-approved editions of King Lear and turn to the bit that says, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."

Now imagine Mario Batali declaiming those lines while clad in flowing robes and orange Crocs (we'll leave it up to you to suggest who should play the Fool in this production) as he contemplates this situation:

In May, in a cri de coeur heard round the Blogosphere, Chef Batali told New York magazine, while discussing culinary plagiarism, "Hey, we watched Ilan [Hall] win [Top Chef] by taking the Casa Mono tasting menu and presenting it as his own..."

Imagine, then, the paternal horror he must have felt at the most recent Food & Wine Classic in Aspen, which he attended with his wife and his little male Goneril and Regan. According to BusinessWeek, as Ilan Hall, whose very presence there was one of the prizes for winning Top Chef, walked by Chef Batali, Molto Mario shouted at him, "My kids want your autograph, man!"

Our hearts bleed to read this. How much sharper than a serpent's tooth is an autograph seeker's Sharpie!

Special Mario Batali Disclaimer: Chef Batali, not that you'll ever read this, but just in case you do, please be advised that the preceding (though culled from the sources cited) was meant to be humorous.

Fauxmicah?

As you know, possums, Amuse-Biatch always loves a li'l' tinfoil hat action, and we are wondering whether there might be something in a mysterious comment left on The Gals' blog by one "AJ" regarding cheftestant Micah Edelstein, the behatted one with the South African accent:

"micah grew up in massachusetts, and left after high school. her accent is completely fake. i went to grade, middle, and high school with her."

Now, we've known a goodly number of South Africans in our time (Melktart, anyone?), and we have to say that her accent sounds pretty damned convincing. (What sayeth Kara Janx, South Africa's official ambassador to Bravo?) And if it's fake, well, call up Meryl Streep.

At any rate, "AJ," back up your charge, possum. Send us, for example, Micah's yearbook picture. Let us see the Goth proto-Demi Moore in all her teenaged, prom picture glory. Otherwise, all that's fake is this kind of accusation. You know where to find us.

First Reaction: 'Cue the Violins for the Last of the Fauxhawkians

“Two puns in one headline? Isn’t that a little much?” asked Miss XaXa.

We stared at our nails. Yes, it’s true, possums, our favorite martial-arts-practicing, slogan-teeshirt-wearing, magazine-editing lesbian, Sandee Birdsong, was, in the lexicon of the game, pykagged last night.

“Besides,” Miss XaXa continued, “it isn’t even true. She’s not the last one with a fauxhawk; there’s still Dale.”

But of course. Who could forget Dale Levitski? Well, apparently, just about everyone. As we said to Miss XaXa, “If he were a superhero, he’d be the Invisible Gay.” He was hardly to be seen in this episode, but perhaps that’s just as well, as attention seemed to be an unwelcome thing last night.

The Quickfire Challenge—to use Florida citrus—was judged by Chef Norman Van Aken, who, fittingly enough, was the very definition of “acid,” and perhaps also “florid.” Micah, who is not a morning person (though Lord, is she ever a mourning person), made it into a bottom three with a dish of baby spew, er, pardon us, “avocado soup,” along with torch-wielding petal-pusher Sandee, and confused, carapaced, veiny shrimp Sarah Nguyen (really, though, we’re not the ones calling her a shrimp; it was CJ, who envied her for being 5’3”). And it was CJ who, despite spilling his citrusy seed upon the dish, was in the top three, along with Hung and Tre. Ultimately, it was Hung, huffin’ and puffin’ his way to villainy, who came out on top and earned immunity, if not camp status.

The Elimination Challenge was to cook “upscale barbecue” for Lee Schrager, founder of the South Beach Wine & Food Festival and, according to the South Florida Business Journal, the spokesman for “Southern Wine & Spirits, the nation’s largest alcohol distributor.” No wonder he has access to champagne and, by extension, women, as Hung admiringly points out. (We reiterate: you don’t have to be gay to be a Gay Villain. And really, how convincing was Hung anyway?)

Which brings us to our main problem with the upscale barbecue: where was the upscale? 14 small grills on a strip of mangy lawn by a canal does not upscale make. As Tom Colicchio himself put it, which is the greater sin, no barbecue or not upscale?

This question, along with other, more pressing ones, will be answered in a proper episode recap coming this weekend.

Scary But Harmless: Casey Thompson Fries Up Fellow Competitors While Amuse-Biatch Expresses Pronounced Disapproval

While you wait for tonight’s episode, possums, let your brain turn to mush as you watch this morning show segment from NBC5 in Dallas featuring cheftestant Casey Thompson as she tries to fry a fish and talk to a blowsy, vaguely nurse-like hostess while saying absolutely nothing.

(Miss XaXa thinks the nameless hostess resembles not so much a nurse as the meddling female neighbor on Small Wonder, that creepy but compulsively watchable, long-ago syndicated show about a pinafore-wearing robot named Vicky. On closer inspection, we think she’s more like the Philip Seymour Hoffman drag queen in that Robert DeNiro movie Flawless.)

During the segment, you will learn nothing about frying fish, and next to nothing about Top Chef. The two things we gleaned from Casey were that (1) the restaurant she works in and the restaurant Tre Wilcox works in are both owned by the same people; and (2) she thought the other contestants were scary but harmless.

Casey herself seems harmless, and the scariest thing we’ve seen about her has been her headscarf, but we do have a bone to pick with her.

During the Quickfire Challenge last week, she was picked as the Definition Girl, the Vanna White of sorts (last year it was Ilan Hall) who helpfully defines the term “amuse-bouche” for the audience. Naturally, we winced as we heard her pronouncing it, “AH-moose bouche.”

Of course we blamed her, as she really ought to know better, but we were willing to cut her just a teensy bit of slack because Padma, Lady Rushdie, pronounced it the same way while introducing the challenge.

But she really got our goat when, later in the episode, she scoffed and sneered at Clay Bowen’s apple-sized amuse-bouche. “I’m an executive chef, I know what an AH-moose-bouche is.”

Look, Junior Missy, Elle Woods, Floaters, Mini-Spice Rack, Sweet Potato Queen (we haven’t quite settled on a nickname), you may know what it is, but you cain’t hardly pronounce it. For the love of God, it ain’t that hard. It’s pronounced just the way it looks—ah-MEWS—like the English word “amuse.” (Padma certainly knows better; witness her asking Tom, after the tasting, “Were you amused?”).

So, darlin’, if, despite being an executive chef, you cain’t pronounce the word, don’t you go bein’ all stroppy about it with poor Clay.

And while we’re at it, why is it that, as the brilliant and ever-perceptive Eric3000 points out, Fontainebleau is being pronounced “Fountain Blue” rather than the correct “fawn-ten-BLOW”?

Oh well. Plus ça change....

Über-Biatch Alan Richman Gives Harold Dieterle a Thumbs Up, Sits in Sarah Jessica Parker's Booth, Calls Anthony Bourdain a “Scoundrel”

If there's a bigger biatch than Alan Richman in the world of restaurant critics, we're not sure we'd like to meet him or her. Frank Bruni has nothing on him, possums.

And yet, miracle of miracles, Richman has just given Harold Dieterle's restaurant, Perilla, a rather good review: "fabulous is going too far, but there is little not to like about this pleasant, understated restaurant."

Mind you, the review is not entirely free of biatchiness--Richman doesn't like the lighting, which he calls "assertive," doesn't like the fabric upholstering the booths, and snarks about how Harold wouldn't come out to greet him though he did come out for Anthony Bourdain and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Still, as he says, "Dieterle can cook. He has technique and instincts." That's high praise from anyone, but especially from the Über-Biatch himself. Congratulations, Harold.