In Fond Memory of Richard Sweeney: “Don’t forget to suck the head; it’s where the best part is”

Tom Colicchio Doesn’t Want Anyone Choking On It

As Buddy Cole might have said, Put that man in tights!

Yes, indeed, possums, the old Ursus Major himself is being hailed as a hero after performing the Heimlich maneuver on cookbook author Joan Nathan, saving the doyenne of Jewish food in America from an ignominious death.

When the incident occurred, Ms. Nathan was hosting a fundraising dinner party organized by Alice Waters and the sex-crazed wife of “smooth-shouldered” novelist Michael Chabon. This time, though, it was the chicken doing the choking—at least until Colicchio got his “strong” ursine paws on it.

Ms. Nathan, who took a good Heimliching and kept on ticking, told The New York Post, “All of a sudden [Colicchio] got to me and the chicken shot out.” Oh, bubbeleh, he has that effect on a lot of people.

(And kudos to the Rupert Murdoch-owned Post for trying to make a political thing of the near-death experience of the woman who wrote Jewish Cooking in America, The Flavor of Jerusalem, and The Foods of Israel Today: “The culprit was a Persian chicken kebob prepared by Iranian cuisine master Najmieh Batmanglij.”)

Rather than focusing on the crackpot political undercurrents of skewered chicken, we concentrated instead on the visuals in our head. Let’s see. The Heimlich maneuver, to the best of our recollection, involves, um, taking a person from behind, and administering, um, “abdominal thrusts.” Do we have that right, possums?

Well, in that case, business ought to be very good for Colicchio’s flagship restaurant Craft, as all the gay bears and chasers will be flocking there in hopes of, um, choking, or at the very least asking for a hero sandwich. After all, as Ms. Nathan put it, “He’s so strong!”

Democracy at Work: America (or at Least the America Comprised of Bravo's Homosexual and/or Female Viewers) Speaks, Says "Woof!" to Tom Colicchio

Oh possums, this would make Alexis de Tocqueville so very, very proud.

In a year when the voice of the American people is being listened to as never before, Bravo has listened harder and longer, er, what were we saying?

At any rate, as you all know, possums, if you have been with us for any amount of time, we have been all over this "bear" thing since we first started watching Top Chef during Season 2. So it was with no little delight that we greeted Bravo's poll of its viewers as to what animal Colicchio most resembled.

But it took our pal Lesley at Eater LA to put her finger on it: "It's almost as if the whole animal theme was conceived just so they could run this poll."

We couldn't have put it better ourselves. Still, Bravo, how about a little more attention for Manuel Treviño? There is an untapped bear in your midst.

The Burly Gay Men of America Wish Thomas Patrick Colicchio* a Happy 45th Bearthday

That's one hell of a birthday spanking coming your way, Tommy Bear. With 45 blows to deliver, Padma may just have to get herself a new wooden spoon.**




* Thomas Patrick?!?! If it weren't for that "Colicchio" we'd never believe that he wants his mother's red sauce as his last meal.

**Though it is the Feast of the Assumption, we're not assuming anything untoward; we're just referring to Padma's habit of spanking Tom with a wooden spoon during Bravo promos.

Before He Dies, Daddybear Tom Colicchio Would Like a Final Taste of Spatchcock (Deboned, Of Course)

No doubt mortality, possums, is the last thing a chef wants to contemplate when opening a new restaurant.

And yet the true bear knows no fear. Thus, as Tom Colicchio was in the process of opening the Los Angeles outpost of Craft, he took the bull by the horns and answered the Village Voice's questions about what his fantasy last meal would be.

He ultimately opted for his mother's Italian-American "gravy," but not before waxing poetic about lamb's brain, mentholated fish bones, tapioca pudding, and, of course, "double [cooked] deboned spatchcock [a game bird] with braised daikon."

Naturally, we all knew what spatchcock is, so our minds didn't automatically go into the gutter, n'est-ce pas?

Tom Colicchio Forced to Bear the Male Gays; Andrew Sullivan and Laura Mulvey to Be Held Accountable

Well, possums, as no doubt he's been often told, Andrew Sullivan has a lot to answer for.

The National Post, a Canadian newspaper, makes the self-described bear and "conservative" gay columnist responsible for giving bears "an aura of credibility and ma[king] them feel a little less marginal." (Heck, we'll even go so far as to blame him for the appearance of bear porn on Conan O'Brien.)

And last week's edition of "Watch What Happens" certainly proves the increasingly mainstream aspect of being a bear, as a visibly mortified Tom Colicchio was informed by a viewer from Guerneville, California--though we can hardly believe it was the first time--that he is "an icon in the bear community."

(This is the equivalent of being told by a resident of Amsterdam that you are an icon of legalized pot and prostitution; in other words, they know from bears in Guerneville.) Not that we're surprised; we've been calling Tom Colicchio a bear for a long time.

There was knowing laughter in the studio after the question, and no laughter more knowing than that of Ilan Hall. So Ilan knows the definition of a heretofore marginalized segment of the gay community? Well, color us and Lalalina gobsmacked.

Despite showing umpteen inches' worth of Tom Selleck-lite chest hair, and despite being the New York-resident, Sarah Jessica Parker-befriendin', Hairspray-watchin', Madonna-lovin', Diana Ross-worshippin', Kathy Griffin-greenlightin' cheerleader of the gayest network on television, Bravo VP Raggaydy Andy Cohen, sporting an expression that said, "Bear? Qu'est-ce que c'est?" turned it over to Ted Allen, much as President Bush might turn to dominatrix-boot-wearing Condolezzie Rice and say, "Hey, Condi, this here question's about Eye-ran and nukular disarmament, so why dontcha take it."

Ted Allen's natural modesty and low-key charm gave way almost to maiden-aunt frisson in his role as Secretary of State the Obvious, as in "My understanding of the bear community, which is extremely limited." Goodness gracious, as if one might call him Goldilocks if his understanding of bears were anything but extremely limited. Why so afraid of the bears, Bravo queer guys? Your honeypots are undoubtedly safe.

Ted did go on to define bears as "gay men who appreciate…muscular, strong, really masculine, burly men. So apparently, the burly gay men of America find you delicious, Tom." (Just one thing: except for the burly part--gay men being by and large horribly vicious body fascists--Ted's definition would seem to make every gay man in America, and Hung Huynh, a bear.)

Judging by Tom's giggly, uncomfortable reaction, maybe Colicchio's the bear they're all afraid of. We found it particularly delicious, if that's the term, that on a show so heavily based on objectifying Padma Lakshmi, the male gaze should have turned the tables and its red-hot rays on Colicchio himself. Is it any wonder Tom was voted the sexiest judge by the viewers, beating both Padma and that Tit-anic Iceberg, Gail Simmons? (That's not meant as a slam against Gail; we are huge fans of buxom women with a touch of frost.) In other words, the audience for Top Chef must include an awful lot of women and gays.

Now, let's flesh out, as it were, Ted Allen's definition. The Los Angeles Times defines bears as "burly guys who identify with a masculine style and who shun the popular image of homosexual guys as smooth, hairless, Calvin-Klein-ish blond young men," and records the Linnaean ingenuity of the homosexualist when it comes to men:

"Thin bears are called 'otters.' Younger guys are 'cubs,' East Asian guys are 'panda bears,' and gray-haired gents are 'polar bears.' For aficionados of the bear physique, the ideal male body is that of Tony Soprano (especially in the show's recent seasons, when the mob boss puts on weight)."

The National Post adds that: "A Wolf is simply a more aggressive version of an Otter. As for a Chaser, he's a guy who definitely isn't a Bear, but loves Bears."

And so with that handy taxonomy in our back pocket, let us take a look at Top Chef.

Why, the set of "Watch What Happens" was o'errun with bears. In addition to daddy bear Tom, there were Big Gay Dave from Season 1, aka Peroxide Bear, Cry-Bear, or Care(Too Much) Bear, and Michael "Beer Bong" Midgley ("Bear Bong"?) from Season 2. Ilan and Raggaydy Andy (Jews with chest hair! Who knew?) could at least qualify as otters.

Season 3 has Joey Paulino aka Joey Pickles the Eyetalian Tantrum-Throwing Bear™, Howie Kleinberg (Sweaty Bear), and Dale Levitski (he of the tantalizingly shiver-inducing "caveman hands," who claims not to have gotten the gay shopping gene). And let's not forget Norman Van Aken.

Season 2 had Frank Terzoli (originally dubbed the Bambino Bear), an older model of the Eyetalian Tantrum-Throwing Bear™ (discontinued after it threatened to beat a Cabbage Patch Doll so severely that its own mother wouldn't recognize the resulting slaw), as well as Bear Bong, Cliff Crooks (whom we dubbed Valrhona Bear oh-so-long-ago), and Lychee Bear Otto Borsich, a gentle breed. In terms of judges, just off the top of our heads, we remember Lee Hefter, Raphael Lunetta, Wylie Dufresne, and Ming Tsai.

So, you see, possums, we think we've made our point. Bravo is Lipton, and train wrecks, and bears, oh my!

Allora, Tommy, just accept the fact that you're a great, big hunk of bear meat. And don't worry. After all, like lobster, bear meat is supposed to be very low in cholesterol.

Alfred Portale's Big Night Requires a Man with a Small Hand; He Wants a Sous-Chef with a Tender Touch

As you know, possums, we like to be as thorough as possible in scrounging up bits about the judges and contestants on Top Chef.
Naturally, then, we did a spot of research on this week's guest judge, prissy, précieux erstwhile Tom Colicchio boss and Stanley Tucci lookalike, Alfred Portale. Imagine, then, to what degree we cocked an eyebrow when we came across the following semi-precious statement from the jewelry designer turned chef:

"Cooking is an intellectual thing," says Portale, "but it's also very physical." Like a baseball scout, he became a shrewd spotter of potential by observing his young protégés moving around the kitchen: "I look for a certain kind of grace and balance and speed. I look at people's hands, the way they're built. Big hands are not good. Hands like a musician—long fingers and slender hands—are."

"He sounds like a lesbian," harrumphed Miss XaXa. "I'm surprised he doesn't mention keeping your fingernails trimmed."

How, then, to explain Tom Colicchio's double tenure at Portale's restaurant, Gotham Bar and Grill? There are many things we picture when we think of Tom Colicchio, but small hands ain't one of 'em. In fact, as Miss XaXa points out, his big, meaty man-mitts are part of the attraction, the tools to deliver on what those blazing blue eyes can only promise.

Just as puzzling was Portale's choice of Howie Kleinberg as winner of the Elimination Challenge, with a stage at Gotham Bar and Grill as a prize. Whatever his virtues, Howie's not part of the Musician's Hands Club.

Finally, the whole business made us think twice about the statement in New York Magazine that "[i]f you’re dining in almost any of the city’s top restaurants...Alfred Portale has had a hand in your meal." It makes us wonder whether Kelly Ripa would let him cover her mouth.

Bravo's Big Picture: The Birdcage

Except that, as Miss XaXa pointed out, with Tom Colicchio and Norman Van Aken in the picture, it ought to be called The Bear Cage.










"Well," we reminded Miss XaXa, "Lady Rushdie does seem to have a thing for bears."

Did somebody say bears?










"Forget The Bear Cage. With these two, bear pit is more like it."

"Well, Bravo's Big Picture has been The Untouchables of late. Maybe we ought to call these two The Unbearables."

"Considering that tonight's the hot tub episode," said Miss XaXa, "I sure hope they're called the Unbare-ables. There are some things I just don't need to see, and floating manboobs are on that list."

"You don't have to worry," we reassured Miss XaXa. "It looks like Casey's bazooms are the ones doing all the floating."

And then, being constitutionally incapable of leaving well enough alone, we went a pun too far. "With Sandee, and Padma, and Tom and Joey and Howie, couldn't we call this episode, Lesbian and Tamil and Bears, Oh My?"

Miss XaXa did not deign to respond.

Tom Colicchio with Hair!

Well, sort of. Frankly, though, we prefer the bearish version without hair.