Monday, July 30, 2007

Tom Colicchio Forced to Bear the Male Gays; Andrew Sullivan and Laura Mulvey to Be Held Accountable

Well, possums, as no doubt he's been often told, Andrew Sullivan has a lot to answer for.

The National Post, a Canadian newspaper, makes the self-described bear and "conservative" gay columnist responsible for giving bears "an aura of credibility and ma[king] them feel a little less marginal." (Heck, we'll even go so far as to blame him for the appearance of bear porn on Conan O'Brien.)

And last week's edition of "Watch What Happens" certainly proves the increasingly mainstream aspect of being a bear, as a visibly mortified Tom Colicchio was informed by a viewer from Guerneville, California--though we can hardly believe it was the first time--that he is "an icon in the bear community."

(This is the equivalent of being told by a resident of Amsterdam that you are an icon of legalized pot and prostitution; in other words, they know from bears in Guerneville.) Not that we're surprised; we've been calling Tom Colicchio a bear for a long time.

There was knowing laughter in the studio after the question, and no laughter more knowing than that of Ilan Hall. So Ilan knows the definition of a heretofore marginalized segment of the gay community? Well, color us and Lalalina gobsmacked.

Despite showing umpteen inches' worth of Tom Selleck-lite chest hair, and despite being the New York-resident, Sarah Jessica Parker-befriendin', Hairspray-watchin', Madonna-lovin', Diana Ross-worshippin', Kathy Griffin-greenlightin' cheerleader of the gayest network on television, Bravo VP Raggaydy Andy Cohen, sporting an expression that said, "Bear? Qu'est-ce que c'est?" turned it over to Ted Allen, much as President Bush might turn to dominatrix-boot-wearing Condolezzie Rice and say, "Hey, Condi, this here question's about Eye-ran and nukular disarmament, so why dontcha take it."

Ted Allen's natural modesty and low-key charm gave way almost to maiden-aunt frisson in his role as Secretary of State the Obvious, as in "My understanding of the bear community, which is extremely limited." Goodness gracious, as if one might call him Goldilocks if his understanding of bears were anything but extremely limited. Why so afraid of the bears, Bravo queer guys? Your honeypots are undoubtedly safe.

Ted did go on to define bears as "gay men who appreciate…muscular, strong, really masculine, burly men. So apparently, the burly gay men of America find you delicious, Tom." (Just one thing: except for the burly part--gay men being by and large horribly vicious body fascists--Ted's definition would seem to make every gay man in America, and Hung Huynh, a bear.)

Judging by Tom's giggly, uncomfortable reaction, maybe Colicchio's the bear they're all afraid of. We found it particularly delicious, if that's the term, that on a show so heavily based on objectifying Padma Lakshmi, the male gaze should have turned the tables and its red-hot rays on Colicchio himself. Is it any wonder Tom was voted the sexiest judge by the viewers, beating both Padma and that Tit-anic Iceberg, Gail Simmons? (That's not meant as a slam against Gail; we are huge fans of buxom women with a touch of frost.) In other words, the audience for Top Chef must include an awful lot of women and gays.

Now, let's flesh out, as it were, Ted Allen's definition. The Los Angeles Times defines bears as "burly guys who identify with a masculine style and who shun the popular image of homosexual guys as smooth, hairless, Calvin-Klein-ish blond young men," and records the Linnaean ingenuity of the homosexualist when it comes to men:

"Thin bears are called 'otters.' Younger guys are 'cubs,' East Asian guys are 'panda bears,' and gray-haired gents are 'polar bears.' For aficionados of the bear physique, the ideal male body is that of Tony Soprano (especially in the show's recent seasons, when the mob boss puts on weight)."

The National Post adds that: "A Wolf is simply a more aggressive version of an Otter. As for a Chaser, he's a guy who definitely isn't a Bear, but loves Bears."

And so with that handy taxonomy in our back pocket, let us take a look at Top Chef.

Why, the set of "Watch What Happens" was o'errun with bears. In addition to daddy bear Tom, there were Big Gay Dave from Season 1, aka Peroxide Bear, Cry-Bear, or Care(Too Much) Bear, and Michael "Beer Bong" Midgley ("Bear Bong"?) from Season 2. Ilan and Raggaydy Andy (Jews with chest hair! Who knew?) could at least qualify as otters.

Season 3 has Joey Paulino aka Joey Pickles the Eyetalian Tantrum-Throwing Bear™, Howie Kleinberg (Sweaty Bear), and Dale Levitski (he of the tantalizingly shiver-inducing "caveman hands," who claims not to have gotten the gay shopping gene). And let's not forget Norman Van Aken.

Season 2 had Frank Terzoli (originally dubbed the Bambino Bear), an older model of the Eyetalian Tantrum-Throwing Bear™ (discontinued after it threatened to beat a Cabbage Patch Doll so severely that its own mother wouldn't recognize the resulting slaw), as well as Bear Bong, Cliff Crooks (whom we dubbed Valrhona Bear oh-so-long-ago), and Lychee Bear Otto Borsich, a gentle breed. In terms of judges, just off the top of our heads, we remember Lee Hefter, Raphael Lunetta, Wylie Dufresne, and Ming Tsai.

So, you see, possums, we think we've made our point. Bravo is Lipton, and train wrecks, and bears, oh my!

Allora, Tommy, just accept the fact that you're a great, big hunk of bear meat. And don't worry. After all, like lobster, bear meat is supposed to be very low in cholesterol.

245 comments:

1 – 200 of 245   Newer›   Newest»
hughman said...

The bear comment was HIL-AR-IOUS! Especially when Raggedy Andy and Ted acted like it was some weird fetish they'd hardly come across, like scat or water sports. They live in NYC, fer Christ's sake, where they even have popular "Bear Bars"! Granted, Andy seems more likely to go for the pretty chelsea boy of yore (Reichen much?) and Ted for the Foodie Nerds but c'mon. I thought Tom handled it pretty well, aside from the obligatory "I have a wife and child" reference (tell that to Tom Cruise).

I didn't notice the question came from Guerneville, the Fire Island Pines of Beardom. That's funny. I can almost picture the Bears at beer bust somewhere dishing about that "delicious Tom Collicio". oooo, girl, Daddy is a keeper!

BTW, I don't consider Ilan an Otter. A ferret maybe. He's neither large enough of brutish enough to qualify.

SGLC said...

"I don't consider Ilan an Otter. A ferret maybe." I agree - Ilan is some type of rodent of the more unpleasant variety. And possibly part reptile. With maybe some DNA from some nasty bugs thrown in.

Hang on! I just figured it out. Ilan is part sloth!

trixie said...

hughman : I was going to say that Sam was the ferret but you beat me to the punchline! Or perhaps Sam is more (playing) possum?

But Ilan isn't a cute widdle otter? Then maybe he's a raccoon with those big glasses and stinky feet in his shoes with no socks.

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Anonymous said...

From what i've seen of the WWH's, Andy seems a little more randy for the PR boys. I guess chefs aren't glam enough for him.

trixie said...

How I've missed Wild Kingdom.

I appreciate the taxonomy. Thanks to you, Charlus, Bravo has become an extension of The Discovery Channel. They are having Shark Week. Bravo has Bear Week. (All together now: Oh My!)

It's pretty clear that Padma likes a big furry bear herself. Those Guerneville gruffs may have to fight her off first before they can get to Tom.

And yes, Ted and Andy were giggling schoolboys when it came to answering that question. It gave me an idea for a call-in question and answer show they can do. They can call it: Two Silly Fops.
"Well I don't know about that, Ted! (ha ha ha!) What about you?"
"Me? Why would I know about such things, Andy? (tee hee!)"

toad said...

jeepers, i'm a straight girl in pittsburgh, and *I* know about bears!

didn't know Otters, though.

why is Andy Cohen? he really, REALLY gets to me.

Ted Allen is a dreamy man.

Ms. Place said...

Oh, dahlings, I have always preferred the three bears over Goldilocks (bitch was a housebreaker), and big burly wrestlers (of the Olympic persuasion) over those long, sleek swimmers. In fact I married a wrestler (of the Olympic persuasion).

Big hairy chests, large Neanderthal foreheads and necks, mountainous triceps, legs like tree trunks! Be still my beating heart. Thus Colicchio, the sex symbol.

We women (and men of a certain persuasion) are not so far from the caves after all.

ImAPocketBear? said...

I heard a new bear category this week -- pocket bear.

Apparently it's a short bear guy. Defined by the person claiming to be a pocket bear as someone 5'8" and under.

I thought 5'8" was the average height of American men?

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Tom Colicchio is definitely gay! I don't understand why some girls would think he is HOT (???) in the first place! He's just a very gay baldie!

Here's a link i found:

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