Monday, November 27, 2006

Breaking "Newsies": Padma Lakshmi Offered Dual Role on "Deadwood" as Calamity Jane, Whore

Ok, bitch is just taunting us now. We complained last week that Padma's outfit for the Quickfire Challenge made her look like a bowlegged Dickensian orphan, but it's as if she didn't hear us at all. She showed up this week for the Quickfire Challenge wearing that, that, thing. Padma, luv, we may have spoken of Dickensian orphans, but we certainly didn't say, "Please, we want some more." Are we meant to be singing, "Boobs, Glorious Boobs"?

"Careful now," Miss XaXa warned us. "Go easy on the 'Oliver Twist' jokes or she might just mispronounce Fagin in your general direction. Look at what she does with 'amuse-bouche.'"

We decided that Miss XaXa had a point, as we suffer violent, antimacassar-rattling seizures whenever we hear Padma say, "AH-moose booj." It might well require laudanum and a bit of wood between our teeth (as well as an intervention by Rosie O'Donnell) if we were to hear her say that her outfit is from the "Faggin Ragamuffin" Collection by Viktor & Rolf for H&M.

"Very well," we said to Miss XaXa. "Maybe her outfit, that vest, and the shirt with those itty-bitty leg-0'-mutton sleeves..."

"If they're so small," interrupted Miss XaXa, "shouldn't they be called leg-o'-lamb sleeves?"

Feeling another one of our headaches coming on, we returned to playing with our netsuke collection and conceded the point. "Really," we continued, "the whole thing looks like it came from the Deadwood wardrobe department. It simply screams claim jumpers, mud, and moth-eaten buffalo pelts. She could be playing Calamity Jane."

"Judging by what's she wearing during the Elimination Challenge, and the way that Bourdain guy's looking at her," observed Miss XaXa, "she could be playing one of the whores, too."

"Padma puttanesca," we giggled, savoring the acid reflux of a bad joke.

"Anyway," continued Miss XaXa, "for my money, she looks like she was in that Disney movie Newsies. Remember? That musical about the newsboys? Kenny Ortega is an unsung genius. And by the way, have you noticed how lately you really sound like Stewie Griffin's prissier bachelor uncle?"

We fixed her with one beady brown eye. She has yet to figure out which of the two statements cut deepest. A genius, indeed!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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