Telling It to the Judge: A Mystic Experience

Pssst! Gail!

Gail Simmons! Gail! Over here!

Hi. Gail--can I call you Gail? or is it Judge Simmons?

Who am I? Who am I? Well, honey, Miss XaXa is my name....and we need to have a talk...a serious talk, just you and me, fierce bitch to fierce bitch.

To sort of quote Whoopi Goldberg in her Oscar-winning performance, Gail, you in danger, girl!

In danger of what? Well, duh. Come on....you went to McGill....you can figure it out....I gave you a hint....Ok, ok, don't call security. Look, here's the thing. Gail, honey, I hate to break it to ya, but you look as pale as a ghost...a friendly Canadian ghost, but still a ghost. I mean, seriously. I saw you during the fat camp challenge last week in that skirt (we'll have to talk about that, too; honey, you do not need to be wearing an A-line), and I said to Charlus, "What in Coppertone's name is going on with Gail?"

You really need to do something about it, or we're gonna have to kidnap you and take you to the Mystic tanning booths. Think about it. I'm sure Bravo could spring for a couple of sessions.

And while I've got you here, let me just say that I could also see how uncomfortable you looked at that fat camp. I can't believe that Raggaydy Andy at Bravo did that to you. And by the way, maybe you should talk to a lawyer, because I think he's sexually harassing you. I mean, that interview he did with you on his blog, about joining the mile high club with him--harassing!

LASTLY, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE CHANCES ARE OF OUR JOINING THE MILE HIGH CLUB THIS EVENING?
Considering your preferences, I'd say low to none.

SO IF I WAS STRAIGHT, YOU THINK THIS WOULD OCCUR?
Probably the chances would remain pretty low. I'm in a relationship!

OK, SO IF I WAS STRAIGHT AND YOU WERE SINGLE WOULD THERE THEN BE A CHANCE???
Absolutely!!

MAN THAT WAS LIKE PULLING TEETH!! THANK YOU GAIL! DON'T FORGET TO HYDRATE!
OK, you too!

Look at all the dough that cookie got outta the old Bill O'Reilly falafel himself. Think about it. I know a lawyer.

So, anyway, not only is he harassing you, he also sent you to the fat camp for that challenge, and that was just plain mean. I mean, couldn't he see that you've gained some weight since last season, and that maybe you're not super ok with that? I mean, I love my gays, but they're super hung up on the whole skinny bitch thing.

You're a beautiful woman. You have great taste in shoes (we could share chacha heels!). And I couldn't teach you a single thing about how to execute a hairflip, or give an "Uh-huh" or "No, you di'in't" look. But you mentioned that you go to, like, a hundred of these tasting events a year, so, you know, maybe you could do the whole Ilan amuse-bouche thing and just take a bite of everything. Just saying. (And don't be influenced by that skinny bitch Padma--short shorts are never appropriate.)

That's ok, Gail. You can keep the handkerchief. My nonna raised me right. Anyway, next time you see Andy, whack him with a kitten heel. We'll be watching.