Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Miss XaXa v. Mia Gaines-Alt: Battle of the Fag Hags

Well, Miss XaXa prefers "fruit fly" as an appellation (not for nothing is her middle name "Drosophila"), but you get the drift.

It is no secret that Miss XaXa has had a crush on former cheftestant Carlos Fernandez from the very beginning. It didn't matter that Carlos is gay and is married to a lovely chap named Chuck (she even found it vaguely endearing that they both have the same name, albeit in different languages).

Indeed, despite Carlos' married gayhood, it had always been one of Miss XaXa's wine-soaked fantasies--visions of sin stoked by Zin--to tuck her chulo chef into bed and read him excerpts from Diana Vreeland's D.V. as a bedtime story while the strains of Grace Jones doing her take on "La vie en rose" played soothingly in the background.
After Carlos was eliminated on the Thanksgiving episode, Miss XaXa was disconsolate and inconsolable. Now that a month has elapsed, she finally brought herself to read her chulo chef's blog, only to encounter this statement by Carlos about Mia Gaines-Alt:
And I will always remember the time you tucked me into bed!
We have rarely seen Miss XaXa in such a state. The outraged arias of "How could he?" gave way to a kind of understanding. Her fruit fly qualifications are second to none, but, she wailed to us, "I never stood a chance!"
We gave her our nun-embroidered Irish linen handkerchief. "I suppose I can't blame him. I mean, gay culture wouldn't even exist if it weren't for fierce black women singing in earthshattering tones some combination of the words 'love,' 'pride,' 'party,' 'deep,' and 'show' against a thumpa-thumpa beat, so how could any gay man resist a fierce black woman who bears an uncanny resemblance to celebrity hairstylist José Eber and dresses like the wardrobe mistress on Brokeback Mountain?" she queried rhetorically as she sobbed in the women's shoe department at Neiman-Marcus.
Now it's true that when Miss XaXa visited Mia earlier this month at her restaurant, Feed the People!, she found Mia to be gracious and warm, and her food delicious. But how differently things might have been if Miss XaXa had known about the tucking in. And now she has a message for Mia: "You know what? Your cornbread wasn't very good! So you go ahead and 'feed the people,' but keep your hands off my gays!"

1 comment:

The Big Shamu said...

Does Miss XaXa know that the Java Junkie also claims Carlos as her GAY?
This can only mean one thing! Wet "It's not crap on a plate!" t-shirt contest for the lovely Carlos's hand in fag-hagdom.