Thursday, December 21, 2006

Rachael Ray Goes Crackers

This will not come as a surprise to you, but we do not subscribe to People Magazine.

However, one of the benefits of Miss XaXa's recently diagnosed magazine kleptomania is that we occasionally get a glimpse of what our fellow citizens are--well, we won't say reading, so let us say, perusing.

(Miss XaXa strenuously denies the kleptomania diagnosis. She says, rather, that she is on a mission of mercy, redistributing magazines to where they will do the most good, e.g., taking the salon's copy of Vogue and leaving it at the JiffyLube for the hunky mechanic who looked more intently at her Louboutins than he did at her breasts, exchanging it for Popular Mechanics and Playboy, which she left for the two cat adoption ladies at PetSmart, and leaving Cat Fancy and a copy of the International Male catalogue for the pastor of the megachurch down the street.)

At any rate, after growing tired of Confessions of a Justified Sinner and our extremely expensive eBay copy of If I Did It, we turned to the year-end issue of People that Miss XaXa had brought home. The double issue of the magazine kept opening up to a special advertising insert featuring the Clydesdale Horse of the Apocalypse herself, Rachael Ray, ear seemingly pressed to a closed door and inviting us conspiratorially to enter with her, like an equine Anaïs Nin in A Spy in the House of Love (yes, that is the first and last time you will ever see Rachael Ray and Anais Nin in the same sentence).

When we opened the insert, it turned out to be an invitation from Nabisco to discover Rachael Ray's holiday recipes. Oh, we said to Miss XaXa, we have an idea of what her holiday recipes are like. We imagined, in the words of AbFab's Edina Monsoon, Rachael Ray "in a wood in a hood," a freshly killed chicken, a mandrake screaming as it is doused in EVOO and baptized "Yum-o," and a whore-you-hear-me-a-whore!-who-is-paid-$500-a-session-to-spit-on-decent-women's-good-for-nothing-husbands-for-kicks being trussed up and delivered to Old Nick in exchange for a magazine and a daytime talkshow.

"Rachael Ray's hawking Wheat Thins!" we chortled to Miss XaXa.

"Wheat Thins?" asked Miss XaXa. "What are these Wheat Thins?"

Once we explained that Wheat Thins are thin little biscuits made from hoo-eet flour, she said, "If Rachael Ray's endorsing them, shouldn't they be called Wheat Huskies?"

We think she has a point. Nabisco Marketing Department, are you listening?


JavaJunkie said...

While browsing the biscotti, I found myself with the eerie feeling that someone was staring at me. I turned suddenly, and there was Rachel Ray in all of her frightening ubiquity, peering down from a box of Ritz crackers. End times, I tell you...end times.

Anonymous said...

Everybody should know that Wheat Thins (tm) is NOT food. Its actually a secret government program to get rid of unwanted stores of wheat that the USA accumulates at the end of every growing season. Kind of like how the aluminum industry gets rid of fluoride waste by dumping it in our water supply.