Rachael Ray Singlehandedly to Destroy US Space Program

To the moon, Alice! Er, Rachael.

Yes, mes enfants, as if exploding shuttles, falling tiles and inadequate budgets weren't enough, there's yet more trouble afoot for our troubled space agency.

As the Clydesdale Horse of the Apocalypse herself told People Magazine, "NASA asked me to create meals for the space shuttle. Thai chicken was the favorite. I flew in a fake space shuttle, but I have no desire to go into space after seeing the toilet."

So if we were ever to encounter intelligent life in the universe, this is the best we can do? When we were beaming things out there, you know, to tell the aliens how cool and civilized we were, we used to send recordings of Mozart symphonies and Shakespeare monologues. And now this is what we're countering with? Rachael Ray is our manifestation of intelligent life? Thai chicken by bloody Rachael Ray (a native and booster of Phuket if ever we saw one) is our nation's idea of "the right stuff"?

If that's the case, we might as well give up. Remember that black slab from 2001: A Space Odyssey, the one that transformed apes into sentient human beings? Well, we're afraid that once the aliens get wind of Rachael Ray's chimp-like antics, they'll think we never bothered using the black slab, or that it didn't work, and they're gonna want it back. And when they do, Will Smith may not be around to save us, and what'll we do then, huh? What'll we do?