Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Amuse-Biatch Pimps the Cheftestants' Rides

Possums, we alight from our barouche to bring you this compilation of cheftestant vehicles culled from the cheftestants' Bravo photo diaries. As always, the captions in quotes directly underneath the photographs were presumably written by the cheftestants themselves and are reproduced faithfully. The editorial content is ours.

"My Ride
The Vespa."

Come sappiamo tutti, "vespa" vuole dire "wasp" in italiano. In fact, according to Wikipedia, "'Sembra una vespa!' ('It looks like a wasp!') exclaimed Piaggio president Enrico Piaggio when he first laid eyes on what would become the most successful scooter of all time." Now, our knowledge of entomology is pretty spotty (though we do know a cockroach when we see one, [Gregor] Samsa Talbot), but a wasp and a gnat seem pretty closely related to us.

"My Ttruck
It's a Ridgeline and I really love it. Big and functional."

As a Southerner, Miss XaXa has a thing about boys with trucks, and this picture of her Chulo Chef, Carlos Fernandez, atop a big truck sent her into lustful titters (one part Harajuku girl to three parts Dorothy Malone trying to seduce Rock Hudson in Written on the Wind). "Oh, Carlos, it's so butch," she purred. But Carlos would no doubt like us to remind you, possums, "Friends don't let friends drive (or dial) drunk."

"Me and Truck
Me next to my new truck."

Wait, Beer Bong drives a truck? You could have knocked us over with a peacock feather.

"My bike."

On behalf of New York City pedestrians, we were greatly comforted to find this photograph of Cliff Crooks' motorcycle alongside the other pictures in the photo album, which show Cliff enthusiastically endorsing Grey Goose and looking, oh, let's say, just this side of sober. In fact, for a second our eyes blurred and we swore that his bike was a Kamikaze and not a Kawasaki.

"My Bike
I enjoy riding my bicycle."

Well, it is "No Name-Calling" Week, and we just don't have the heart to say anything mean about Otto Borsich, so let's just say that, "Biking is great exercise and great for the environment!"


hughman said...

oooo carlos... big and functional?! ole!

is that a Ridgeline in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Harp said...

Love your blog. It is truly the best and funniest Top Chef skewer in the sphere. You do not suffer Bravo fools. Viva la Amuse-Biatch!!!

Ms. Place said...

Dahling, your photos are inspiring. I am all agog! Where on earth do you find them? You are my internet hero.

Anonymous said...

The photos are on the bravo site here: http://www.bravotv.com/Top_Chef_2/photos/photodiaries/index.shtml

pretty funny stuff.