Monday, September 03, 2007

Amuse-Biatch Presents the Tragedy of Christopher Ciccone

Possums, we know full well that everyone is tired of forked-tongued decorator Christopher Ciccone, and we had determined to do no more posts about him, but over the weekend we were having a bitch through Rupert Everett's autobiography, Red Carpets and Other Banana Skins, and we came across an irresistible passage that may help to explain the fact and tragedy of Christopher Ciccone, or how he went from this:

("Oh my God," said Miss XaXa, "he looks like Debbie Gibson threw up all over him." "Well," we reminded her, "as Madonna's back-up dancer he necessarily had to be an electric youth.") to this:

As our story begins, Rupert Everett is attending Donatella Versace's New Year's Eve party in Miami:

"Dessert was being served. A cluster of divas, some of them stars, others not, sat around Donatella at a corner table in the courtyard. The party moved fast around us, the table was a rock, and waves of fruits de mer crashed against it, swelling our numbers from eight to twelve, and then to sixteen. Chairs peeled off in all directions in a swastika for intimate asides over cigarettes and crossed legs, but the undertow on this particular stretch of bitch was strong and soon, they had been swept back out to sea by the acid tongue of Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone, the glum monosyllabic reply of Guy Ritchie, or the polite but firm dismissal of Gwyneth Paltrow. Madonna smiled graciously to all and sundry, secure in the knowledge that someone else would do the dirty work, and give any unwanted jellyfish 'the old heave-ho.'....

Gwyneth had been flirting with Guy Oseary, the child prodigy who ran Madonna's record company, but that liaison was another thin strand that Gwyneth cut with the brisk cheer of a dignitary opening a new wing of a hospital. 'I name this ship...Over.' It had snapped before the party even began. Actually, she was as thick as thieves with Christopher, and after midnight the two of them danced like whirling dervishes until they wound up slumped and feverish on Donatella's garden couch.

And this was the night that marked the beginning of the end for Christopher and Madonna. They had been inseparable through a trippy childhood in a huge family with a wicked stepmother, and she had taken him with her to the material world, where Christopher had provided a solid raft in the shark-infested waters. And for anyone who came into contact with Madonna, to know her at all you had to know him. The one was incomprehensible without the other. He was her dark side and she was his. People reeled in horror at the mention of his name, because he had a blunt aggressive manner, and he often looked as though he was laughing at you, particularly when he was drunk...But Guy [Ritchie] and Chris were from different planets, and in a way the one's success relied on the other not being there. Also Guy was not particularly comfortable with queens, and so, as the relationship between him and Madonna quickly deepened, it was a last call for a lot of the disco bunnies and club-mix queens that made up the fabric of Madonna's mantle. It was a surprise, because Madonna came out of the womb blowing a disco whistle, but a whole aspect of her life was about to be hit by the delete button."

There you have it: Christopher Ciccone too bitchy and gay for Madonna's husband.

As a bonus, here's Rupert's account of a master class in snubbery from that same party:

"...[S]hortly before midnight, Jennifer Lopez swept into the courtyard on the arm of Benny Medina, her new manager. Donatella got up and walked over to greet her while Gwyneth and Madonna gave two snorts of derision and noisily left the room. The men and Ingrid [Casares] were momentarily flummoxed but followed suit, leaving me and my hairdresser Jamie alone at the table. It could have been a moment from The Women....

Jennifer had given a rather startling interview a few weeks earlier, one of her best, as a matter of fact, where she had regally dished all and sundry, saying, among other things, that Madonna couldn't sing and that Gwyneth couldn't act. This broke an unwritten Hollywood law. Think it but never say it....

[E]veryone there at the party that night adored the drama. They were visibly shaking with the thrill of it, and so were the girls in question. They were like ducks during a rainstorm, preening, stretching their wings, shaking themselves and quacking. Jennifer sat with Benny, holding a beatific smile in place for longer than a porno star keeps an erection. Gwyneth and Madonna huddled around Donatella's garden couch like bullies from the upper sixth....Jamie and I locked ourselves into a bathroom with Donatella, a bodyguard at the door, and informed the rest of the world what was going on outside. We popped out briefly for midnight and then went back to the bunker like war journalists to phone in the latest explosion."


hughman said...

so fab. in a way, likes me chris cerrone better. that someone with so little stature could cause so much consternation is admirable.

Anonymous said...

well, you certainly have convinced me with one little extract to find a copy of that book!

Anonymous said...

I want the book too. As for Christopher, he is someone famous's brother. BFD. I can't wait to see him get all humble and sheut.

Anonymous said...

Am I supposed to feel sorry for Chris being ousted from Madonna's world because Guy is a homophobic jerk? Or because she sided with her husband over her brother?

I don't. Chris is an ass.

And Madonna and Guy aren't looking too good, either.

Anonymous said...

I think he looked better when he had Debbie Gibson puke all over him.

Anonymous said...

And interesting piece. God, you always find the best tidbits.

Ms. Place said...

Oh, how delicious. A bitch slap fest. And told with such panache by the incomparable Rupert Everett. Thanks, dahlings. What a treat.

Anonymous said...

Madonna’s Brother To Write Tell All

Guy Ritchie Cheating On Her

Anonymous said...

This is all most interesting, given Christoper C's new book. As for Jennifer No-pez, I have had 3 personal encounters with her - as she had an office in a former office building where I worked. I meet a lot of celebs, as I live in Santa Monica, CA. I must say, that of everyone I ever met, she is the most unpleasant of them all. If anyone cares to know the details, email, and I will send them to you. - s

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for the other brother and sister. The rest are all turds,
with madonna at the top. ego, greed, and narcissism are terrible
qualities. I love the fact Madonna
is aging so terrible. There all past their time. Rupert seems like a decent guy?

sona said...

I am so glad that her brother published this book...the truth!!
In his own words...mediocre talent! And what an evil sister she is...
She need to realize that people helped her to become who she is today..and she should be thankful!
Old Hag!

Anonymous said...

madonna is a high minded , bitch who treats people like shit, to gain everything .then dis s them.

she was never poor she already had her contacts . she was a middle class manipulater who made it to the top by being a proffessional fag hag and she tricked all the queens into thinking she loved them!
Madonna likes macho Homophobic men, they make her more respectable these days.
her music sucks , shes so mediocre, she talks in a false whinney tone and sings the same.
she is so sick she has to copy that other fuck wit angelina jolie by adopting a poor little black kid (sic)how patronising is that! oh saint ciccone and saint jolie. you be-atchs some of us can see right thru your middle class white trash ass;s.
back in the 80s madonna simulated some sex and now every brain dead fuck is a sheep who buys her shit records while she is laughing all the way to the bank. Im glad christopher is exposing the real demon that is madonna ,and the real tragedy is Madonna . she is never and ever will be happy. its all an act for you my dear public, because her life is dedicated to making money and remaining powerful. now lick her arse you peasants.

Anonymous said...

Love you chris! yeh expose her!
i bet she is nasty and do anything to be no1
LoL she is so plastic surgery and she lies about it.
plastic surgery girl! not material girl! haha!