Thursday, May 01, 2008

Padma Lakshmi Grateful No Hot Guys on “Top Chef,” Lest She Be Unable to Control Herself

Though it may hurt self-avowed metrosexual and pretty-boy Ryan Scott to hear it, that is indeed what we learned, possums, from Padma Lakshmi's appearance yesterday on the execrable Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. 'Twas a doozy, it was.

It begins with Padma doing shilling so shameless that it hasn't been seen since, well, Top Chef. On the pretext that the blonde hostess has "allergies" (to what? intelligent conversation? self-respect? good clothes?), Padma presents her with a glass of orange juice, which she accompanies with this no-doubt entirely sincere and genuine statement:

These are these new juices from Tropicana, and they’re amazing. They’re like the whole burst of sunshine in your mouth. Aren’t they good? I mean, we’ve all grown up with Tropicana.

Then, as Padma rushes to make "Mexican" cornbread (with that most typical of Mexican ingredients, dill), the most interesting exchange takes places between Padma and hostess Juliet Huddy. Possums, it's all about the mens, and, as with so many of our straight-girl friends, the model of choice seems to be tall and forgettable:

JH: Where are all the hot guys this year?

PL: I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s just as well, ‘cuz I’m not supposed to fraternize with the contestants at all.

JH: Last year, though, that big tall guy…

PL: I know, you have a little crush on Sam. I could tell the last time we were here.

JH: Oh well…But no, there was a big tall guy. What was his name?

PL: Sam.

JH: No, the other guy.

PL: Oh, CJ, CJ, CJ.

JH: So many I can’t keep up.

PL: I know, I know.

And somewhere in the Midwest, CJ Jacobson feels as though he's been kicked in the ball.

Padma then refuses to tell Juliet the outcome of Top Chef, but does drop this hint: "Well, the women are really strong this year, that’s all I can tell you. "

Thanks, Padma.

Then, and only then, are we made privy to Padma's messianic accomplishment as regards this great nation of ours:

Well, I’m happy because I feel like I’ve taught the country what an amuse-bouche is, you know. I go, and I wait for a taxi on the corner, and people say, “Amuse-bouche.” “Amuse-bouche, too, to you, too.”

Quick, someone get her her own quarter coin and a commemorative stamp.


JW said...

Damn you! That line about CJ being "kicked in the ball" was so funny I spit Coke all over my monitor and keyboard. Now they're both sticky.

hughman said...

i'm surprised Padama didn't throw some UNCLE BEN'S RICE in the oj.

junk science said...

Great job teaching the country "what an amuse bouche is." At least poor Clay knew it had something to do with food.

Joy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joy said...

Padma and her ex-husband were both at the Washington Press Corps dinner separately, it appeared. Watching it proves what a big Craig Ferguson fan I am. This has almost nothing to do with your post except that after Salman Rushdie, what man wouldn't be hot? Probably dumb, too, but that's another conversation.

If Padma wants to jump hotties, she's hosting the wrong show.

Joy said...

Well, there were the brooding boys Harold and Sam.

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