Friday, November 14, 2008

Photographic Evidence Clears Thick-Accented European of Anti-Americanism Charges Made by Thick-Accented Nativist with Mispronounced Foreign Surname

Possums, as even The New York Times has noted, there was a whiff of anti-European sentiment in this first episode the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the days of freedom fries. It’s like Gangs of New York all over again.

Here is our attempt at a phonetic transcription of the charges that brought this controversy to a simmer:

Fawbio and Stefawn, they think Americans are lowah than them, just by theah personality and what they say, I don’t understand the Amereecan tawk, you know. I’m like, Listen, braow, you’re in my backyahd. Fawbio and Stefawn can open theah mouths as much as they want. It’s just going to make them look unprofessional and immachoh.

These charges of anti-Americanism were made by Mayflower descendant John Smith—er, make that one Daniel Gagnon (hard “g,” if you please; wouldn’t want people to think it was a French or furrin last name).

Let us leave aside the fact that when the American talk comes from the mouth of Monsieur Gagnon, we don’t understand it either. Let us also leave aside the fact that “Fawbio” [Fabio Viviani] is married to an American woman, and lives in the Republican bastion of Ventura County, California, where his restaurant is located a skip and a hop from the site of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and the Rodney King verdict.

And we can afford to leave these things aside because we have incontrovertible proof that Monsieur Gagnon’s accusations of anti-Americanism on the part of Signore Viviani are baseless. To wit:

How could anyone who so clearly enjoys dressing up as Wonder Woman even be suspected of anti-Americanism? What could be more American than Wonder Woman (or tattooing what looks like a dollar sign over one's heart)?

Well, how about Catwoman?

In light of this overwhelming evidence, we demand that Monsieur Gagnon withdraw these groundless accusations immediately. For shame, Monsieur, for shame! After all, lest you forget, the title of this episode is “Melting Pot,” which we took to be a cultural allusion—unless, of course, it refers to Padma’s favorite, um, dish. So, Monsieur Gagnon, in the immortal words of the similarly Gallic-named En Vogue, freedom-fry your mind, and the rest will follow.


CharmingDinnerGuest said...

I've heard of teacup poodles and pocket poodles but Signore Viviani has the first boot poodle I've ever seen. Wonder-ful!

Buzz Kill said...

When I 1st saw Gagnon I thought of Satan's Circus Singer from Gangs of New York. I don't know where this came from. He was the guy (Finbar Furey) who sang New York Girls (you Santy, My dear Annie, Oh, you New York gals, Can't you dance the polka? - I can't get it our of my head). What do you think?

Anonymous said...


That was a great piece of writing! I was cracking up. It was even funnier when I tried to quote the Gagnon accent that you wrote up to my husband. Of course, my NW accent is awful -- but he didn't understand a word I was saying.

Of course, I am from the South, and thus may not be capable of that accent. It took me years to get rid of the Southern accent (and believe you me -- when you live in Southern Michigan -- 25 years ago you got rid of it FAST). By the time, 2 years later, that I came to CA. (where I've lived for over 20 years), no one knew I was from the South.

BTW -- I did try to defeat prop 8 (all I can say, is overwhelming defeated in the Bay Area where I live). I still think propositions should not change the CA constitution. But if we do allow that, it should be a 2/3 majority vote (like in Congress).

Parental consent (which is on the ballot every 4 years), almost tied -- which is pretty amazing compared to last election.

Anonymous said...

This guy Gagnon doesn't even know that a vinaigrette is NOT an emulsion. C'mon, food 101. Knife skills and food knowledge should be prerequisite to get on this show.