As you might expect, possums, when it comes to the whole “journalism” thing, our style is more Hedda Hopper than Brenda Starr, and so, when Uncle Ted granted us an interview on the occasion of the premiere of Chopped, his new show on the Food Network, what could we do but take up our pad and our mother-of-pearl Mont Blanc, and channel Louella Parsons for all we were worth? We hope you enjoy it, possums; we will always remember the experience, since Ted Allen took our cherries…jubilee.
Amuse-Biatch: Bette, Joan or Madonna?
Ted Allen: Joan Jett.
AB: And speaking of Madonna, you once famously discussed how you would prepare and eat her pal Rupert Everett if ever you were stranded on a desert island with the Brit. If you found yourself on that proverbial island with the increasingly immaterial girl—she’s all gristle now—what cooking technique would you use to render her palatable?
TA: I’m thinking Ciccone au Vin.
AB: Do people get the munchies when they’re within 5 feet of Padma?
TA: Most people I know have the munchies for Padma. Did I ever tell you that I’ve seen her naked? True story: She was changing once during season 4 in Chicago, and, as a gentleman, I respectfully started to leave the room. And she said, “What, are you repulsed by my naked body?” So I gave her the once-over. I’ve been heterosexual ever since.
AB: You recently averred to an incredulous world that Padma Lakshmi’s job as host of Top Chef is harder than it looks. Have you gotten any tips or learned any lessons from Padma for your new gigs?
TA: Yes. If you already hear voices, it’s a bad idea to wear an earpiece. And don’t swap your flip-flops for Louboutins until the cameras are rolling.
AB: Did you know Gail Simmons was Jewish? We were thrilled to learn she was a member of the tribe.
TA: Jewish? I thought she was Canadian.
AB: As you know by now, your spot on the Top Chef judges’ panel was taken by Toby Young. Was it flattering that they couldn’t find anyone fresh, local and sustainable to replace you and had to import someone?
AB: What does it say when they have to get a Brit to replace a Gay?
TA: What’s the difference?
AB: Toby Young—you could take him, right? (In a fight, we mean.)
TA: We’re both far too polite to hit a guy with glasses.
AB: Has Carson Kressley ever made clothes for your Emmy statue?
TA: No, but Thom [Filicia] uses his as a toilet-paper holder at his lake house. The roll fits perfectly on her wings.
Chopped, Food Network, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. (Clip below courtesy of Food Network)