Amuse-Biatch Good Vibrations Photoessay: Aren't Those Things Supposed to Be Battery-Powered?

Preview: Who Will Go Down on the Hot Dog Challenge?

Richard Sweeney’s Wistful Missed Manhattan Connection

Ah, the wonders of Craigslist, possums....Click to enlarge and reminisce.

And Then There Were 15: The Bottom Falls Out of Team Rainbow

Oh possums, what’s a pink triangle without its third leg?

Yes, it’s tragic, but Team Rainbow is a little less GAYGBIV now that adorable TwinkleGay Patrick Dunlea has been sent packing along with his knives.

How little we knew him, possums. So what sort of a send-off could we give him other than to rummage through screencaps and Bravo-provided photos as sources of juvenile puns and double entendres?

On with the show about a fresh-faced novice in a cloistered environment.

Oh yes, possums, the hills are alive with the sound of gayness.

Remember when they didn't let gays into the CIA?

The Mother Superior teaches our novice how to make a chicken sandwich.

The Mother Superior, now out of drag, tells our young novice that he must travel to meet the gruff Captain Vongerichten, and seeks to guide him with an inspirational song.

Sample lyrics:

Pare ev’ry apple,
Brunoise and cream.
Follow ev’ry rainbow
Till you find your Team,
A Team that will need
Catchphrase t-shirts galore,
Every day of the week
At Bravo’s online store.

Little does the young novice know that very soon the title of yet another song, “Sixteen Going on Seventeen,” will prove prophetic.

Sadly, the meeting with Captain Vongerichten does not go well. Our young novice learns that simply adding bok choy doesn't make a dish Chinese. Neither, for that matter, do Lettuce cups, no matter how big.

Tragically, our novice never learnt the sung lesson, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Rice Noodles?" Still, he did manage to learn other valuable lessons chez Captain Vongerichten.

For example, lips together, teeth apart.


















Much better.

Our novice also learnt about the joys and the perils of, um, overreaching. Anyone in Richard's position would certainly pardon the reach of that server.

Finally, our novice learnt that his biggest asset would be his flexibility, which would make him very popular indeed.

Such flexibility!

And now, the young novice has returned from the house of Captain Vongerichten to a friendlier embrace....

Well, slap us upside the head and call us postmodern, but this is a photograph that comments on itself, that comes with its own caption. By Jove, the t-shirt itself seems to tell us why the wearer is so awkwardly seated in the other chappy’s lap. And are they holding glasses of Uncle Max’s very pink lemonade? Ah, that is truly one of our favorite things.

At any rate, possums, here our story ends, but fear not. All's well that ends twinkling.

Amuse-Biatch Programming Note: The Formation of Team Rainbow

The video clearly demonstrates that, as usual in the gay community, it was the lesbians doing the organizing while the twinks were off somewhere procuring booze or making coffee for scary-looking tops with German accents.

Bravo wasted no time in trying to capitalize on Team Rainbow (somebody in marketing give Jamie Lauren a job, stat) with t-shirts. In response, and overcome by a bout of civic-mindedness, the Gals have offered a host of brilliant marketing suggestions to Bravo. And now we have put our nonexistent Photoshop skills to the test to join our voices with theirs, but this time to address ourselves to NBC itself. NBC, like all the broadcast networks, is in desperate need of a hit. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is no more, and Heroes is on life support. So why not take synergy to the next level and greenlight Team Rainbow as a midseason replacement? Picture it: a trio of gays with super powers who travel back in time to prevent disasters such as the passing of Proposition 8 in California, Michelle Obama’s Election Night dress, and Madonna’s discovery of Kabbalah.

STARRING:

















(Although, for obvious reasons, My Little Pony hairbrush not included with action figure).

Think about it, NBC. Save the male cheerleader, save the world. (Oh, and need we mention that Richard Sweeney was, in fact, a male cheerleader).