My !#*&%@%!!!, ‘Tis of Thee: Trying to Be Patriotic, Brian Malarkey Goes Deeply Un-American

It’s not as if we don’t agree with his point, possums, but “o” what a difference one little letter can make.

(We ought to say, by way of disclaimer and confession, that though we were quite rough with him during his season, we have developed rather a soft spot for ol’ Brian. Whatever else one can say about him (and we said it all), he had personality and gave us lots of material, which is more than one can say for a lot of the people who came after him. The little mad hatter himself, perhaps with the passage of time, has become quite a good sport about the whole thing, which is really the best way for cheftestants to play things. We daresay “Asshat” would seem a term of endearment these days, and you know, it would be. And don’t think we missed it when he called us “twisted.” Coming from MFMalarkey, we can think of no higher praise; we practically purred with pleasure.)

As for the substance of his charges, yes, absolutely. In These Troubled Times, we ought to buy American and bitch American. Besides, isn’t it the teensiest bit hypocritical for Bravo, with all its much-touted and much-vaunted “green” initiatives, to bring in a critic with such a large carbon footprint?

On the other hand, as Miss XaXa points out, Toby Young is so full of shit that maybe Bravo thought it environmentally sound to spread all that manure around.

UPDATE: Bravo fixes the country!

Tom Colicchio: “You’ll Never Beat the Cast from Season 3”

This, at least, is what the Ursus Major told Dale Levitski’s mother at the finale of Season 3, held in Chicago just before filming on Season 4 started, as Dale recounts in a new interview with Chicagoist.

Oddly enough, we had of late found ourselves missing those Miami folks. Not that this photograph of Brian MFMalarkey (sans chapeau!) as the Karate-You've-Got-to-Be-Kidding-Me from this past weekend had anything to do with it.

And you know, possums, we did find it terribly telling that this season hasn't been the subject of hyperbolic praise for how much better the contestants are. Most telling of all: Tom saying during Judges' Table on last week's episode that we were in for a "nice" season. Ouch! Don't be so enthusiastic there, Papa Bear.

Other interesting tidbits from Dale's interview:

* He's still living with Season 3's Sara Nguyen, but they don't have cable.

* Of Hung Huynh's victory: "I won, but he got the check."

* He was supposed to appear on Season 4, but had a conflict of interest because it was he who had recommended eventual winner Stephanie Izard to producers.

* His new restaurant still needs investment money. Perhaps certain men from certain Bravo reality shows would be better served by putting their money into a new restaurant venture from a talented chef than by spending it on life-sized plastic dolls who claim to be 29 (yeah, right). So come on, sugar daddies, pony up.

Breaking News: Brian MFMalarkey Latest Victim in Attack of the Killer ToMFMatoes!

As you may have heard, possums, the killer tomatoes are upon us. The original love apples are now the subject of a warning from the Food and Drug Administration because of a salmonella outbreak.

The most recent victim is Season 3 cheftestant Brian Malarkey, since, as The San Diego Union-Tribune reports, “at the elegant Oceanaire Seafood Room downtown, diners this week will savor heirlooms fresh from a California farmers market instead of Arizona.”

Oh no! The horror! But there is more:

“At fine dining restaurant The Oceanaire Seafood Room, chef Brian Malarkey was also on the telephone yesterday, swapping out tomatoes grown in Arizona, another state not on the FDA list, for fresh-on-the-vine heirloom tomatoes from the Santa Monica Farmers Market.

Malarkey said he has had to make swift adjustments to menus before, as with the spinach scare in 2006. At that time, the restaurant substituted arugula for spinach in menu items from Oysters Rockefeller to salads.

“It costs us a little more, but when a (food) bomb like this goes off you take the extra step so your guests are comfortable,” Malarkey said.”

Again, the horror! Just imagine it—having to put up with “fresh-on-the-vine heirloom tomatoes” from one of the nation’s foremost farmers markets instead of eating tomatoes trucked in from out of state! What a horrible thing to have to do to diners! MFMalarkey, we feel your pain, possum.

MFMad Hat(t)er Involved in Doppelgängerbang

Well, possums, it seems that the Season 3 cheftestants are having a bad case of the Doppelgänger. First, Dale Levitski went after this season's Richard Blais like yo momma with the hairbrush for, among other things, his signature fauxhawk: "The hair I will take as a “compliment?” … but also a hack job …." Meow.

And now, Brian MFMalarkey is going after Spike Mendelsohn, ranking him last because, as he so awkwardly puts it, "You are wearing a very similar hat to me."

And, possums, we understand.

The legal test in trademark matters is risk of confusion, and when your capital as a Top Chef contestant is limited to annoying personality trait + annoying fashion accessory, what's to distinguish you from the next scrawny putz in a deerstalker? It's absolutely enough to bring on an existential crisis even in people whose personalities aren't so shallow that an ant would drown in them.

So, possums, a little compassion, please.

Ahoy, MFMatey!: The Return of Brian MFMalarkey

Reading and writing about Casey "Beaver Boots" Thompson, and then turning our gaze to the current season's mostly lusterless roster of cheftestants, made us, we confess, ache with nostalgia for Season 3.

In fact, so dire is our nostalgia that we even began wondering about one of our all-time favorites, Brian "Asshat" MFMalarkey, who managed to combine Spike Mendelsohn's penchant for repellent headwear with Ryan Scott's prettiness, loquacity and smarm. Indeed, the fact that it takes two of this season's cheftestants to gather up the personality of one cheftestant from last season may say all that needs to be said.

Imagine our bliss, possums, when we discovered that MFMalarkey has started to post videos of himself on YouTube. One occasionally reads about drug users dying from taking heroin that is too pure and unadulterated, and we feared the same might happen to us after viewing this clip. It's all there--the not-to-be-believed hats, the loquacity, the smarm, the self-regard, the preposterous homoeroticism, and, as a bonus, a laugh so maniacal that it might have come from the very attic of Mr. Rochester's house in Jane Eyre. Enjoy!

Ride a Cowboy, Save an Elk: Most Shocking "Top Chef" Shocker of All Time?

You know, possums, sometimes we think the good Lord is toying with us. After all, being such wicked souls, how can we possibly deserve the occasional blessings and boons that come our way? Maybe there's something to Calvinist predetermination after all?

Or perhaps we ought to turn to personal touchstone The Sound of Music (you know you've grown up and gone gay when Maria stops becoming your favorite character, you begin shamefully lusting after Rolf, and then decide you want Uncle Max and Baroness Elsa as your real parents): Somewhere in our youth or childhood, we must have done something good.

What is the cause of our musings? you may ask. Well, it's this Gothamist interview sent to us by faithful possum Jess.

During last week's episode, Brian MFMalarkey revealed that he had grown up on a ranch and had been a cowboy (and, indeed, his wife's MySpace page, before it was made private, expressed a general interest in Cowboys, and who can blame her?). Dale Levitski revealed that he had slept with a few cowboys.

But, notwithstanding the Bravo prohibition on elk loins ever meeting seafood sausage, are those two revelations connected? Has MFMalarkey become MMalarkey? Tantalizing, unanswered, and unanswerable questions left in our mind as we read this:

Dale

When the show was in New York, you were stopped over in Newark, NJ -- how did you entertain yourselves for the night?
Brian and I entertained ourselves in the hotel room together.

[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the sound of us getting the Top Chef slash-fiction vapors.]

Compare with this:

Hung

When the show was in New York, you were stopped over in Newark, NJ -- how did you entertain yourselves for the night?
I read the Bible.

Casey

When the show was in New York, you were stopped over in Newark, NJ -- how did you entertain yourselves for the night?
Sara and I shared a room and at first we thought would read the bible but then we saw the book about the hotel we were staying in and I read that to Sara.

Not to put too fine a point on it, possums, but if we had our druthers, we'd take chaps over chapter and verse, and the Giddyup Society over the Gideon Society. What say you?

Angry Big MFMan Calls Out "Angry Little Man": Who's the Bigger Man?

As you may remember, possums, a debate of culinary-theological import has been raging: Hath Hung a soul or hath he not? Thus far, there has been no Bartolomé de las Casas to plead on his behalf, no Paul III to issue a papal bull declaring he has a soul.

Until now.

All at once, Hung Huynh is neither automaton nor heathen, for none other than Brian MFMalarkey, he of the soul patch, has stepped forward to attest to the existence of Hung's soul.

Hung has a soul, MFMalarkey concedes to Grub Street, but it's a "really young, immature soul. He’s not focused on the right things in life."

(Such as "luxury living," "gold," "diamonds and jewels," and "CA$H money"? Are those "the right things in life"?)

Continuing his disquisition, Brian says, "There’s no point in being an asshole, and that’s how he comes off. When he was watching CJ die cooking at the airport, I was like, 'Hung, help CJ,' and he just sat there and washed his knife, and I was like, 'Oh, you little asshole.' I think he’s an angry little man."

Well, with all that washing, Hung's knife must be shinier than the pot and the kettle, n'est-ce pas?

At any rate, possums, do be sure to read the interview, in which Brian manages the, er, hat trick of being condescending to cowboys ("I didn’t want to scare them with fancy words and chocolate sauce.") and implying Bobby Flay is not "a refined, amazing chef." Well-done and well-braised, possum!

Amuse Biatch Book Club Photoessay: The Brian MFMalarkey Selection

Amuse Biatch Says, "Thanks for the MFMemories" (and the MFMention!)

Oh, Possums, he reads us! He really reads us! Fast forward to the last 45 seconds and listen closely. (Confidential to Brian: it was all Charlus!) ;)

Ousted from Elk's Kitchen, MFMalarkey Tells It on the MFMountain: I Hate Bloggers, Fauxmicah!

Possums, it should come as no surprise that, today, "B" stands not for "Brian" but for "bitter."

As Ted Allen, our favorite gay cannibal and honorary lifetime possum, notes in his blog, "I had a conversation with Brian after he came so close to victory and then had it slip from his grasp, and he was pretty disappointed -- more than he let on in the show."

But he was certainly happy to let on in this just-published interview, once again chock-full of delighted-squirm-inducing pronouncements from the MFMouth of MFMalarkey:

* Getting on "Top Chef": "I didn't audition for the show. They sent a scout to San Diego and talked to a lot of people. They were going to put me on Season 2 but decided I wasn't what they were looking for. They got (chef Frank) "Frankie the Bull" (Terzoli) from San Diego instead. Then, they called me for Season 3. I did a few interviews, and they put me on."

[Talk about getting mutton for lamb. To think that Bravo producers last season replaced Brian the Bullshitter with Frankie the Bull! The rejection and subsequent courting lend interesting nuance to MFMalarkey's maidenly comment yesterday that it was he who didn't want to go on the show because he did not want to be a pawn.]

* Cooking for famous food judges: "(New York's) Daniel Boulud (Daniel) and Sirio Maccioni (Le Cirque) were both so passionate, so sweet and so nice. But some of them come in and are cutthroat, like (author/chef/TV personality) Anthony Bourdain. He just wants to be an a--- so he can get more airtime. Viewers don't know all that they put us through."

[Again, ain't it sweet? We didn't realize that the word "asshole" was so verboten within the Fourth Estate.

Here's what the "asshole" thinks:

"Indeed. It's not that Brian isn't a good cook. He's clearly very talented. His flavors are usually, it appears, excellent. His technique also excellent. He deserved to be in this competition -- and by whatever means he got there -- deserved to be in the finals. It's that he's often clueless about what he's done wrong -- and why anyone would disagree with him.

I'm sure that Brian still believes that his Jumbo Sirloin With Barbie-Head/Potato Hash was undeserving of scorn. That making an ugly but delicious shepherd's pie for a table of French master chef educators was an adequate effort. And I fear that when he looks back on the inexplicable and insanely awful decision to invite Eric Ripert to cut a fat slab of Gorgonzola onto a (presumably) nicely composed plate of elk ("Help yerseff to some fixin's, pardnuh!!") he's still wondering what went wrong. Where Brian fell down was on the conceptual end. Killed off -- as so often happens -- by a Bad Idea." ]

* Reading the blogs: "I'm weaning myself off them. They're vicious. They attack me, my wife, my dog. These people don't seem to have anything better to do."

[Um, first of all, we do have better things to do (and we do them); it's just that we enjoy doing this (like Hung, we lack both "heart" and "soul"). Secondly, we never attacked your dog; we believe in intraspecies honor. Look, Brian, possum, we'll level with you. You're a very cute guy (especially once you shaved that asinine soul patch), but it's not our fault that you had a penchant for bullshit, airy-fairy dish names, ugly man-jewelry and stupid hats (we're not positive, but we think even the International Male catalogue has banned thumb rings and leather wristbands). You might, as you claim, be loved by the Gays, but possum, we's a tough crowd, and tough crowd equals tough love. Also, it's not our fault that your wife put specific information that presumably implicates you on a public MySpace page for all the world to see. On the positive side, we applaud and congratulate you for not saying that you were weaning yourself "off of" blogs. Good grammar is a wonderful thing to behold. See? We're not all bad.]

* On cookbook author/actress/host/hottie Padma Lakshmi: "She's highly intelligent. We joke that the scar on her arm is where they put in her batteries - she's the only one who wears an earpiece."

[Meow, possum! We can see why the Gays love you. As for the earpiece comment: thank you! It all makes sense now. That's... why... Padma... talks... so... slowly,... because... producers... are... feeding... her... lines....]

* Glad to see her go: "I didn't like Micah - the one who dissed ketchup - from the get-go. Supposedly, she was from South Africa, but her accent was different every day. Later, we found out she was from Massachusetts."

[You'll get no disagreement from us, possum. Miami was definitely not big enough for two bitches in funny hats. One of you had to go. But, also, hmmmmm, just where did you learn Fauxmicah was from Massachusetts? Who could have told you that? Who could it be? Could it be...Satan, er, a blog?!? (You're welcome, possum.)]

*Tips for aspiring "Top Chef" contestants: "I don't know why you'd want to do it. You get destroyed in the blogs, it's exhausting, and the judges are merciless....

[Aw, possum, you should have listened to Sam Talbot, when he told you not to read the blogs. What was it he said again? Something about discovering things about yourself that you didn't know?]

Out of the MFMouths of...: Brian MFMalarkey Refuses to Be Your Kid-Tested, Homo-Approved Pawn!

Sometimes, possums, even we are taken aback at the sheer deliciousness of certain statements made by cheftestants. We practically squirm with delight.

We don't mind confessing, then, that there was a good deal of delighted squirming when we came across this interview with Brian MFMalarkey. Herewith, the tastiest, squirmiest bits:

* "I was apprehensive about doing the show," Brian said. "First it was a challenge of if I was going to get on the show... Once I got on I really had to think, 'Do I want to do this?'"

"I called up the day before I was going to ship out and said no... I don’t want to be edited. I don’t want to be your pawn... I was really nervous about the whole process," Brian added.

[MFMalarkey showing signs of being confused and "undecided"? Color us shocked.]

* Brian, who said he's very popular with kids, older ladies, and the gay community, had a feeling from the start that he'd make it to the final four.

["Wait a minute," said Miss XaXa. "Wasn't Liberace the last man to be very popular with kids, older ladies, and the gay community?"]

* Either way, Brian said he was confident he'd make it to the final four because he has a lot of diversity in the kitchen and is quick on his feet.

[Well, possums, let us not be so skeptical about his "diversity." It's true he was ever so devoted to sausage, but sometimes it was fish (seafood) and sometimes it was fowl (pheasant). Being torn between fish and fowl is perfect for MFMalarkey, n'est-ce pas?]

* Why else did Brian have a feeling he'd make it to the final four? "A lot of the challenges don't really come down to the cooking skills, but your charisma..."

["Honey," said Miss XaXa, "your charisma was seriously undermined by the soul patch, the thumb ring and the asshats."]

* All joking aside, while Brian said, "CJ's definitely going to be my best friend that I'll know for a lifetime," he also said he has a "really strong bond" with the other members of the final four... "even Hung."

Even Hung?

"[The viewers] have horrible opinions of him. I was a roommate and kind of a big brother to him. He'd start saying the most ridiculous things, and I'd say, 'Hung, Hung, you're on TV,' and he'd listen to me."

[Frankly, possums, we were shocked--shocked!--by Brian's admissions. The idea that a fratty white beach boy would become best friends with a fratty white beach boy is truly surprising. And the idea of Brian, beloved of the gay community, playing "big brother" to little bisexual Hung, well, it's enough to restore one's faith in humanity. It's a fine example of living up to the ideals of Be Kind to Bisexuals Week.]

Now, a teensy potential spoiler alert pointed out by an astute anonymous Amuse-Biatch commenter. On his blog today, Raggaydy Andy says, "After tonight's episode, I will be live at Bravotv.com for 'Watch What Happens' with one of tonight's eliminated chefs and Gail Simmons - call us live!" MFMalarkey's MySpace page says he's off to New York for his birthday, and his birthday is today. Donc, MFMalarkey is in New York today, and thus going on "Watch What Happens" tonight as one of the eliminated chefs. What a way to spend your (35? 30?) birthday!

Amuse-Biatch Is Confused by Age-Old MFMalarkey

Well, it's true, possums. There's a lot that confuses us about Brian MFMalarkey.

(But surely we're not the only ones. Just ask the evil genius who did the set design for this cowboy pic of Brian. That set designer/dresser is certainly no, um, slow poke, and demonstrates an uncanny familiarity with the "set design" of gay porn films, down to the saddle, the blue ribbon, the horseshoe, the handy metal bars and the frying pan. Is it any coincidence that, just yesterday, Raggaydy Andy Cohen, who was present at the Aspen filming, interviewed gay-porn icon [as you will see from the interview, the placement of the hyphen makes all the difference] Ryan Idol?).

But here's one thing that confuses us today. It's MFMalarkey's birthday, and his MySpace page says, "Chef Malarkey is Off to NYC for my [sic] birthday." (We recommend learning from a master, such as Bob Dole, how to speak of oneself in the third person.) So we presume that's where he is, but how old is he in NYC?

MFMalarkey's official Bravo profile says, as did the onscreen title cards, that he's 34. But his MySpace page says he's 29. Um, we thought only gay men lied about their age on their online profiles?

So, is he 34 today? 35? 29? 30? Inquiring minds want to know.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: MFMalarkey Climbs Brokeback MFMountain, Amuse-Biatch Says, "Chapeau!"

Dale Levitski and Brian MFMalarkey Have a Hot Tub Discussion About Which of Them Will Be on Top and Who Will Join Them

Or so Dale tells Gina at Buddy TV:

When we were in like the final six, Brian and I were sitting in the hot tub kind of making our predictions, and we kind of figured that would be the final four. Nothing against either C.J. or Sara, but that’s kind of just the way things were going, and I think if anything, of this entire season, I think I’ve stuck in there as the underdog. Up until this point, I’ve maybe been cooking at fifty percent of my ability. I had not cooked in a really long time before I did the show, so I was frustrated every day because it was like running in quicksand.

This being Gay Days of Our Lives, it goes without saying that Dale met Top Chef while on the rebound. Dale recounts how, as a self-described unemployed prima donna, "my boyfriend dumped me so I asked my mom for a plane ticket to L.A. and I auditioned for Top Chef and I got on the show." Is it wrong that this story somehow makes us think of Sharon Gless in Queer As Folk?

Finally, Dale asks --without coming right out and asking--that people vote for him for fan favorite in order to pay his rent. We wholeheartedly want Dale to win fan favorite, and would like officially to endorse him, but before we do, we must--in order to comply with electoral law and rules about soft money and advocacy ads--get approval of our campaign ad from Dale himself. So Dale, possum, if you read this, get in touch with us. We want you saying, "My name is Dale Levitski, and I approve this ad."

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Brian MFMalarkey Tells You Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask

Dedicated to Keckler at Television Without Pity.

Is Padma Lakshmi Looking for a Member of the Second Husbands' Club?

Possums, not being Miami "fashionistas" (or whatever) or Bravo insiders, we have no bloomin' idea who this man with Padma Lakshmi is. Or, as Miss XaXa put it, "Who the hell is that guy and where the hell is Padma's hand?"

We, being more demure, wondered more about the placement of his hand. And oh Padma's smile....

"She's probably thinking of seafood sausage, the one CJ made," we suggested. "Or the one she just found," Miss XaXa snorted in reply.

We remembered items in the gossip columns linking Padma to billionaire Ted Forstmann, but Forstmann doesn't look like that (maybe 30 years ago). Could it be his son? Or maybe he has the mother of all plastic surgeons.

At any rate, possums, if you know who the mystery blond is, do let us know, please.

Leave a little comment or drop us a little line. You know where to go. It'll probably turn out to be a perfectly innocent photo with some Bravo producer, but we'd still like to know.














Actually, there was another picture from the three-hour cruise that particularly intrigued us. Ignoring our chaste allusions to photographs by Jacques-Henri Lartigue, Miss XaXa spoke her mind: "Padma puts on MFMalarkey's pants and look what happens."

Breaking News! “Top Chef” Health Scare: Padma Lakshmi Suffers Broken Irony Meter

Is there any other explanation, possums, for Padma Lakshmi saying, “Looking good and making the most of what you have is what Miami is really all about,” in this outfit?

Sergeant Pepper should be court-martialed, the Sioux warrior put out to pasture, and Kipling’s Raj lieutenant banished to the Hindu Kush. We’re afraid, possums, that Padma has had a relapse. She’s dressing herself again. (“And stealing blue pants from MFMalarkey’s…er…closet,” Miss XaXa pointed out.)















We thought the rehabilitation and di-vest-ment had been successful, but those damned vests are back (check out this week’s Padma vlog on Bravo’s website). Padma, possum, if the '80s and the decade’s signature salmon-mousse canapé are out, then so are the '80s and the decade’s signature vests. Is it time to bring back the Padma Lakshmi Weekly Fashion Review? Did Padma get her vests from the cast of Full House?


As for guest judge Michael Schwartz, to use his own words against him, “What the fuck is that?” For someone who is so focused on what “look[s] great” and on “presentation,” it seems dubious to go around looking like Edward G. Robinson in The Ten Commandments.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Brian MFMalarkey Tries to Remember How Padma Lakshmi Got Into His Pants