Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: “Sorry, Alicia, I know you’ve got those pianist fingers, but you’re not Stephanie Seymour”

Lost your Keys to the joke? Look here.

Amuse-Biatch Big-Thumbs-Up, Sapphic Photoessay: Even Cowgirls Get the Yellows

And apropos of cowgirl-on-cowgirl action, here is another classic Sapphic moment, Miss Doris Day playing the title character in Calamity Jane--and what the hell was HBO thinking when it cancelled Deadwood?--and singing "My Secret Love." (Notice how, once atop the, er, mount, Doris and Padma's yellow girl have the same wide stance.)



Finally, a lesbian conflagration of epic proportions: Johnny Guitar, where Joan Crawford and Mercedes McCambridge (the voice of Satan in The Exorcist) go butch-a-butch and mano a mano, especially after Joan spurns Mercedes for a man. The best part is the last minute or so, when Mercedes becomes a pyromaniac and lets you know in no uncertain terms that you. do. not. ever. ever. ever. mess. with. a. lesbian. If we close our little lesbo-fantasist, cinematically cross-pollinated eyes, we can almost hear Mercedes warning Joan that she will suck cock in hell.


On a slightly different (not really) note of not-so-secret love, possums, you should, if you get the chance, watch Raggaydy Andy's Bravo-website interview cum slumber party with Padma, Gail Simmons, and Tom Colicchio, during which Padma reaffirms her continued attraction to Stephanie Seymour. Forget the fact that, in our professional judgment, Raggaydy Andy's question is hopelessly convoluted. It still boils down to, "Whom would you sleep with if your partner gave you permission?" Padma says that her answer hasn't changed. But, let us not forget that Padma is no longer a married woman, and no longer needs permission. So...Padma meet Stephanie meet the fantasies of hetero and lesbian foodies everywhere.

Amuse-Biatch Treasure Trail

Our favorites from the list of recent search trails that led the intrepid, the incorrigible and the insomniac to Amuse-Biatch:

Elia Aboumrad is hot
Ilan Hall shirtless
Ilan Hall gay
Ilan hall asshole
Why was Ilan Hall fired from Craft restaurant
Gail Simmons jewish
Gay top chef sam talbot

Who dresses Padma Lakshmi
Padma Lakshmi plastic surgery
Anthony Bourdain Mexican employees
Anthony Bourdain gay
Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana knife
Marcel Vigneron gay
Marcel Bravo gay
Top chef + vicodin + rat + Marcel
Captain Coattail
Stephanie Seymour High Society

Seymour, Mon Amour: Padma's Sapphic Shocker!

We woke up, we swear, with the intention of posting a tribute to judge Gail Simmons, whom we have woefully neglected, but sometimes things fall in one's lap et voilà. So we find ourselves writing, yet again, about Padma. After her choice bit of slumming this past week during the TGIFriday's challenge, we're rather fond of her at the moment.

Yes, we wrote that with her midriff-baring cowgirl outfit, she was dressing as if primed to star in a Sergio Leone version of Brokeback Mons Veneris, but little did we know how close to the truth we came. Courtesy of Bravo exec Andy Cohen's blog comes this choice titbit (that's the British spelling, mes enfants, so honi soit qui mal y pense):

When asked by Raggedy Andy, "Who is the person that you would have a night with if you could get a pass from your partner/spouse?" Padma answered, "Stephanie Seymour."

Frankly, we don't care whether Padma finds Stephanie Seymour crave-able in that TGIFriday's, "We can get you a straw for that," "Don't bogart the plate, my friends" way, or whether her statement is merely calculated to titillate. (If so, her calculation skills put her on a par with Isaac Newton).

It's a delicious thought nonetheless. Someone should call up Showtime and have them offer cameos on The L Word, pronto.