Amuse-Biatch Plays Catch-Up: The Tom Colicchio Report

We've been remiss, we know. And neglectful. And cold and withholding. It's all true.

Call it a relapse.

But therapy, snark and the bottle are our solution, our version of rum, sodomy and the lash, and we intend to do our best to make up for our absence and our bender. Call this the period of $12.99 red rose bouquets from Conroy's.

First, let's catch up with the capo dei capi, the top of Top Chefs himself, Tom Colicchio, who has a lot to celebrate this week.

First, he has just been nominated for a James Beard Award for Outstanding Chef. Not too shabby. (Top Chef as a whole did well in the James Beard Award nominations. Guest judge Lee Hefter of Spago was also nominated for Outstanding Chef, the New York outpost of L’Atelier de Joël Robuchon [helmed by Marcel Vigneron's boss] was nominated for best new restaurant, the restaurant Terra [owned by Seasone One guest judge Hiro Sone] was nominated for Best Service, guest judge Wylie Dufresne was nominated for Best Chef - New York City, and guest judge Michelle Bernstein was nominated for Best Chef - South.)

Most inexplicably, and best of all, Tom will also be the guest judge on this week's episode of Top Design on Bravo, in the usual Top Chef spot, tomorrow, Wednesday, at 10 p.m. Why? Some call it synergy. Some call it cross-promotion. Others just call it wankery (and we suspect Tom's eyebrows will be saying that).

We confess to being a bit worried for Tom, though. Judge Kelly Wearstler's outfits are so hideous, so positively over the top, that as we've pointed out on Pink Navy, she has left Padma Lakshmi in the dust in the running of the Fug Cup. It's been several months since the filming of the Top Chef finale, but we fear that having to sit next to Kelly and her outfit may trigger an outbreak of Post-Traumatic Dress Disorder in Tom. We hope they have the paramedics handy on that one. And look for him to fight eyebrow duels with Jonathan Adler. Start placing bets now.

Live Semi-Nude Girl!: Tonight on Bravotv.com, Padma Lakshmi Live! (Well, As Live As She's Ever Gonna Get)

Tonight at 11 p.m. Eastern, Padma Lakshmi will appear live on Watch What Happens, the webcast on Bravotv.com hosted by Bravo VP and online salonnière Raggaydy Andy Cohen, who has previously testified to Padma's powers to turn gay men straight.

Raggaydy Andy takes on all comers, whether by e-mail or telephone, to answer all sorts of questions (and if you ask nicely, he might just indulge your foot fetish while on camera).

So feel free to write or call in with questions for Padma or Andy (did the cure take? is Andy still straight? are follow-up Padma-ings required? what does Padma think of Kelly Wearstler's wardrobe on Top Design? will Padma try to outdo Kelly when Season 3 of Top Chef begins filming? will Padma sport a bikini in Miami? what are the assault laws like in Florida? will Carlos Fernandez be a guest judge? what's up with the Anna Nicole Smith stuff on Bravo? why is Tom Colicchio appearing on Top Design? would Andy advise Tom to shave his soul patch?). We know we'll be watching, if only to see whether Padma has bathed with, er, Herbal Essences; we're definitely looking forward to a totally organic experience.

Amuse-Biatch Watches Morning Television at Gayhab As Ilan Hall Shows FOX His Coq

What Valentine's Day would be complete without our beloved, entirely heterosexual adjudged Top Chef winner, Ilan Hall, appearing on Fox's Republican-but-randy morning show? That's The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, the guilty pleasure about which The New York Times television critic wrote:

He’s smarmy. She’s contrived. He leers at girls like an old stage ham. She talks about freezing her eggs and getting her breasts done. Together they’re Mike Jerrick and Juliet Huddy, Fox’s new morning pair, who use their unholy chemistry to pervert the breakfast hour on “The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet.” We owe these two a warm, warm welcome.

We know what morning shows look like on the networks accused by conservatives of liberal bias, but a morning show produced by Fox is more mysterious. Will it just be a last stop for “American Idol” rejects? Can we expect hair-care demos from Hannity and Colmes?

Surprise. In its more than three weeks on the air, “The Morning Show” has opted, above all, for creepy prurience.

And, well, Ilan's appearance did not disappoint. It was smarmy, and contrived, and creepy, and a little bit prurient. Ilan, sporting an increasingly porcupine-like "mulhawk" and apparently having ditched the multiple-wristwatch fad he blames on Suyai, appeared to teach ole Mike and Juliet how to make coq au vin. He sounded gayer than we've ever heard him before, but then our counselor here at Rainbow Springs Gayhab in the Hollywood Hills pointed out that we were spewing homophobic invective, and we felt mightily guilty for setting back our sobriety.

Fortunately, this being Fox, such unpleasant thoughts of gayness were not allowed to linger, and we were treated to a live appearance by... Ilan's girlfriend! Carolina! Yay!

Ok, that was our best Kermit the Frog impression. We have to sit down for a minute now.

And she talks! And she breathes! And wouldn't you know it, they conveniently started dating on Valentine's Day a year ago. Awwwww.

Watch for yourselves as perky blonde Juliet, relieved that no Frenchy-named, molenukewler gastrowhatchamacallit contestant took the prize, trills to Ilan, "Thank God you won! Thank God you won!"

Thrill as Ilan presents her with a gift, a framed picture of himself! Share our pain in gayhab as we struggle not to yell at the television, paraphrasing a Top Design contestant, "How can you argue with a narcissist?"! Delight in how quickly the girlfriend trope is trotted out! Wink virtuously as Carolina admits she's never had Ilan's coq, and Juliet invites her to sample it! Laugh "Rapturously," "Left Behind-edly," and no-land-for-peacefully as Ilan takes the sprinkling of kosher salt to remind the faithful base that he is Jewish, you know, like, from Israel! Shiver with naughty delight at Shriner-style ribaldry as Mike talks about chicken sucking up sauce! Sigh heteronormatively as Mike tries desperately to get Ilan married!

It's a belated valentine from us to you, possums.

Auntie Amuse-Biatch Wants YOU

As you may have gathered, we have absolutely no compunction about putting our cat in a variety of chapeaux and whoring her out for promotional purposes (as Miss XaXa suggested, it’s beginning to look like that Bugs Bunny-Elmer Fudd cartoon where the shipment of hats falls out of the sky).

At any rate, this is just a whorish little reminder that, since Top Design is premiering tonight after the Top Chef finale, you should go check our new Top Design blog, Pink Navy, where you will find an account of Top Design host Todd Oldham’s political travails, the latest on the Iran diplomatic crisis, and tips on what to do with monkey fur. Just cue up the Village People’s “In the Navy” and click on the kitty to take you where you know you want to be.

As Sigourney Weaver Screams, and Lightning Flashes, Amuse-Biatch Special Guest Star Sir Ian McKellen Cries Out in Anguish, "It's Alive! It's Alive!"

When Alien* came out in 1979, the ads ominously informed you that, "In space, no one can hear you scream."

That may be well and good for outer space, but take our word for it--in a badly decorated space, everyone can hear us scream.

And they will, as we tackle Top Design, Bravo's follow-up to Top Chef, in our new blog, Pink Navy. We have fallen out of the frying pan, and into the Biedermeier, and when we deplore the décor, you'll know about it. And possums, it's no use putting the plastic covers on the couches; our claws can cut through anything.

So possums, come aboard; we're expecting you.

*(By the way, if you really want to have some fun, deconstruct the movie for your sci-fi geek friends as a prescient parable about AIDS, the construction of the female identity, and the male fear of penetration; every time the alien attacks a man aboard that spaceship, watch just where that tentacle goes in.)

Amuse-Biatch Birth Announcement: Out of the Frying Pan, and into the Biedermeier

We don’t quite know how to say this, so we’ll be blunt. Possums, you gave us the clap.

When the itching first started, we thought it might just be the sound of one hand clapping, but the free blogger STD clinic has come back with the results, and it’s definitely the clap. We’re required to inform anyone who’s ever had contact with us, so there it is, possums.

Oh, we’re also pregnant. And the baby’s yours.

That’s right. As far as we know, we’re the only ones ever to give birth as a result of getting the clap, but it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve been called a medical mystery or a sign of the impending apocalypse, on the order of a two-headed cock or a talking cat.

Possums, don’t preach; we’re keeping the baby, gonna keep our baby.

“And what child is this?” you carol in our ear as you wipe away the tears with your green sleeves. Well, our baby will be a blog about Top Design and other matters of taste, with the same biatchy genes as Amuse-Biatch and the same mixture of no-brow, lowbrow, middlebrow, highbrow and furrowed-brow analysis, observation, and vitriol.

The baby will be called Pink Navy, after Diana Vreeland’s immortal dictum that “Pink is the navy blue of India,” and because, well, who doesn’t like sailors? And possums, just leave the seamen jokes to us.

As we write, our baby is gestating inside Sigourney Weaver’s chest cavity, but we will notify you as soon as it rips through her thoracic wall, announcing that, in a badly decorated space, everyone can hear us scream.

And once Pink Navy is born, possums, you can, as our tag line has it, accompany Amuse-Biatch out of the frying pan, and into the Biedermeier.

Amuse-Biatch Asks You to Clap for Tinkerbell

Last week, Jennifer from Chicago (no relation, friend or acquaintance of ours, as far as we know) sent us this lovely (and much appreciated) petit mot:

I'm not sure if this is where I should properly say this...your blog has got to be one of the more interesting I've read in quite a while. I hope you keep this up for "Top Design" to follow "Top Chef" on Bravo! The drama is so addictive! .... On another note...silly question really...does anyone out there know what brand of eyeglasses Elia wears on the show? They're super cute...I have to have! Ciao. Jennifer - Chicago, Il

Alas, we have no idea what brand of eyeglasses Elia wears on the show, but we were taken with Jennifer’s idea about Top Design. Before Jennifer came along, we had toyed with the idea of applying the patented Amuse-Biatch formula to Top Design, and had more or less decided against it. But as we pondered what life would be like without Top Chef, and what the state of our sanity would be without this outlet, we thought it wise to reconsider. We still haven’t made a final decision, and before committing to anything, we wanted to see whether there was any interest from our readers (all five of you) in such an endeavor. We know what Jennifer thinks, but what about the other four of you? Let us know, possums, whether Tinkerbell should live or die.