Amuse-Biatch Bisexual Tuesday?

Sandee, possum, we looked at your hands (not that we were examining your finger-length ratio), and trust us, we know exactly how you feel. If we were sitting that close to Lia Bardeen, our hands would be itching too. Who would dare blame you? That pose, that sultry, almost half-lidded look, the gnocchi-soft lips, the gently sloping bazooms--er, pardon us while we take a moment to remind ourselves that we're gay.

But guess what, Sandee, possum? You might just have a chance with Lia after all.

Which brings us to the placement of the question mark in the headline. We have no doubt--no serious doubt, at any rate--that today is Tuesday. The bisexual bit, however, is something else altogether, but we figured the question mark would look odd anywhere else.

Our grammatical quandary is the result of two anonymous comments left by Amuse-Biatch readers suggesting that when Lia is looking to poach something in olive oil, she might favor both shrimp and scallops:

Just to comment, I've known Lia for a while. She used to have a girlfriend...[S]he was dating, and living, with the girl. She was never a shy bookish little girl. She has, and wears, black lingerie with garters and all. Curly or straight, blonde or brunette, she is, or at least was, a dangerous sexpot.

and

Well, I suppose it could be something made up, but it isn't. She just broke up with her girlfriend and moved out less than a year ago. They had dated for years...She's dating a boy now, there by [sic] making her entire family of lesbians (sister, mother) I suppose somewhat sad.

Again, we stress that these are anonymous and entirely unsubstantiated rumors, and that we are not presenting them as true, but to us they are nonetheless thrilling, titillating, and delightful. We adored literature major Lia when we thought she merely read Sarah Waters novels; now that it is possible she lives them as well, we positively worship her. If it's true, Lia, possum, welcome to the club.

If nothing else, we take this opportunity to respond to another Amuse-Biatch reader, who pleaded with us, "More pictures of Lia please..."

Well, possum, never let it be said that we are unresponsive to our readers, and since you did say please, here's what we were able to dredge up:

Amuse-Biatch Presents the Tastiest Dish Casey Thompson Has Ever Created

Possums, forget the French toast that won her the Quickfire Challenge. This is Casey Thompson's winning dish. Indeed, it is she, and not Joey Paulino, who has a future in tarts. And we can think of no higher compliment.

We always had a soft spot for Lia Bardeen because she worked for Jean-Georges Vongerichten, studied literature in college, and wanted to be a literature professor. That's just about our definition of the perfect woman. Well, if we liked women in that way. (Nigella Lawson and Little Debbie, she of the Oatmeal Creme Pies, are also perfect women as far as we're concerned).

And yet, not since Dorothy Malone let down her hair in the bookstore in front of Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep had we seen such a va-vavoom transformation of an adorable bluestocking into a full-throttle vamp.

And we owe it all to Casey, who became Lia's bazoom buddy during the show. Before Casey of the Bad Highlights and the Push-up Bra got ahold of her, Lia had the perhaps fraught relationship with her appearance that you would expect of a Literature or Women's Studies major: as she mentioned in an interview, "my hair was always changing - I loved dyeing it and cutting it in crazy ways. I shaved my head when I was a junior and pierced my nose."

Imagine, then, the clarity of vision that came when, as Lia confessed, Casey "taught [her] to blow-dry [her] hair straight."

And just look at the results. You blow-dry a woman's hair straight, you make her look good for a day. You teach a woman how to blow-dry her own hair straight, you make her look good for a lifetime. Bless you, Sister Casey. Thy good works shall indeed be remembered.