Amuse Biatch Denies Going on a Drunken Rampage in Malibu and Calling Padma Lakshmi "Sugartits"

Lord knows we love our Raggaydy Andy Cohen--Bravo VP, faygella & gay fella extraordinaire--in all his button-eyed, coy-grinned, scatterbrained adorableness, but sometimes we worry about him.

In today's installment of his blog, Raggaydy Andy takes aims at certain people:

"By the way, I for one am getting a little tired of the griping about Padma's clothes being inappropriate for the kitchen. We've got one of the few models who has written a cookbook and can speak with authority about food, so why not make the best of both situations!? Being Jewish, I was raised to believe that models who know about food should look as white-hot as possible while tasting and discussing food. Thus, I am hereby putting it out there that anyone who thinks Padma looks inappropriate just might be cloaking some form of anti-semitism in their comments and might want to look within instead of at Padma. By the way, there is a bikini top in next week's episode, which I was consulted about in advance and wholeheartedly approved. I'm just warning everybody. Change the channel if offended!"

Our first response to that is, Do two "by the ways" in a row leave you by the wayside? But that's just by the by.

We have looked within, and we've come up with several things. First of all, and not that it matters, but we're honorary Jews. Just ask our exes and our friends, who bestowed the title during a lovely ceremony at Nate 'n' Al's. Look at our birth certificate. Look down our pants. Look at our list of links on the right. Who else would even use the word "midrash"? (Well, perhaps Britney Spears in describing her symptoms after riding in Paris Hilton's Maybach with Lindsay Lohan and no underpants on. But we digress.)

Of course there is a great Jewish tradition that includes Maimonides, Spinoza, and Walter Benjamin, who indeed wrote that "models who know about food should look as white-hot as possible while tasting and discussing food." Pardon us for being legalistic and what-not, but the essential phrase is "models who know about food." Would you say that a model who can't even, despite repeated instruction, pronounce "amuse-bouche" knows about food? We thought not. Padma is thus not protected by rabbinical law from scrutiny.

Secondly, the rabbinical injunction is for such a model who knows about food, and who is thus above rubies ("Pshaw!" exclaims Miss XaXa. "Every woman is above rubies, though most are not above a diamond or two."), to "look as white-hot as possible."

And therein lies the rub. Take a look at the picture Raggaydy Andy posts with his blog entry. In legal terms, res ipsa loquitur. In American vernacular: bitch speaks for herself. Q.E.D., girlfriend.

Our complaint is not that Padma's clothes are inappropriate for the kitchen. We have known of people cooking in nothing but an apron and a goofy postcoital grin, so clearly we're not sticklers for chef's whites. Our beef is that Padma's outfits, almost without exception, are beyond bad-- knowingly, willfully, almost maliciously, fugly.

In that picture, Raggaydy Andy himself is the only one who looks good, in his pastel polo and Chelsea-toned forearms. But Padma? Those are the same black riding pants that make her look like a bowlegged Dickensian orphan with rickets. The pink top screams LPGA dyke. And the pigtails? A cross between a maid at Motel 6 and a pedophile's wet dream.

So bring it on, Andy. We can handle the bikini top. In fact, if you look at our archives, we've long been advocating for the return of the silver lamé bikini and the live lobsters. Can you make our dream come true?