First Reaction: Knight of the Long Knives

Oh, noodge, what a show that was.

Little did we know, when we first set out to pontificate on this, how the "Project Runway"-fication of "Top Chef" would proceed by leaps and bounds.

We now have cheating scandalets in every episode and no one got sent home (will we also have a final four this time around?). And anyone who expected Spice Rack to fall on her limited edition Kyocera ceramic sashimi knife had another thing coming. Instead, the long knives were pulled out, Sam revealed himself as Mr. Knightley when it came to those long knives, and we inched closer to reality show nirvana, "Project Runway" meets "Lord of the Flies."

So, again, what did we learn this week?

We learned that we're content to let Bravo exec Raggaydy Andy have Padma. After all, what's the point, since she would never be able to pronounce our name. Honey, it's Ah-MEWS-bee-yotch to you.

Thanks to Raggaydy Andy, we also learned we are getting a whiff of Haley Joel Osment's sixth sense: We see dyke people. And we're in love again. Our fickle, fickle hearts are Goin-Goin-gone.

We learned that everything tastes better with an accent.

We also learned from Elia that the urge to do yoga could strike at any moment, so it's best to carry your yoga mat with you at all times.

We learned that Marcel uses sugar and not Splenda to get his meringue hair to froth up in those peaks. And the mixture of egg whites and sugar is no doubt what keeps alive the white Angora cat residing in there and waiting for its Blofeld moment. (We could have sworn we saw Marcel petting it when he referred to Spice Rack as his "arch nemesis.")

We learned that Miss XaXa's Carlos knows from phallic, and when he tells us something is the most phallic thing he's ever seen, we believe him.

And speaking of dicks, we learned, through Beer Bong, that straight women are less choosy and more forgiving, and straight men luckier, than even we suspected. The proof? Some woman actually actually saw fit to marry Beer Bong. If that's not an argument for gay marriage, I don't what is.