Rachael Ray Reveals Origins of Her Fan Club: Is That a Gun in Your Pocket or Are You Just Super Unhappy to See Me?

Just in time for Christmas, Rachael Ray is speaking to TV Guide Magazine(the existence of which is yet another sign straight out of the Book of Revelations) about The Ordeal That Shaped Me, or How My First Number-One Fan Made Me the Clydesdale Horse of the Apocalypse.

The ordeal began in her apartment building in Queens, New York, when Rachael Ray was but a mere apocalyptic filly of 23.

The year was 1991 and Ray…was returning to her…apartment after a long day at Agata & Valentina, the Manhattan gourmet food store where she worked as a buyer and manager. While fumbling for her keys, two teenagers approached from behind.

“I’m such a moron, I'm thinking they live in the building and want to come in,” Ray says. “I'm standing there apologizing to them for taking so long.” Without warning, one of the boys flashed a pistol. In similar circumstances, most people hand over their wallets. Or beg for life. Or cry. Or . . . something. Not Rachael Ray. She grabbed her Mace, spun around and sprayed one of the assailants. They both sprinted off. “It was a very, very scary moment,” Ray says. “And I probably should have left the city right then and there.”

In a reaction that would become typical of her fans, and seeing that she hadn’t gotten the message, the assailant returned a week later to finish the job.

As Ray again began to enter her complex, he emerged from nowhere, jabbed the weapon into her gut and ordered her to walk toward a passageway that ran beneath the building. “That's when he started pistol-whipping me,” Ray recalls. “I think he was embarrassed from the last time and he wanted to get even.”

In the true-to-form pattern of the dreck-and-drivel genre, our plucky little end-of-days filly didn’t let The Ordeal get her down. As TV Guide Magazine relates,

In the mind of Rachael Ray, the genesis [of her Evil Empire] goes like this: Without the mugging, she might have remained in New York City, content in her role at Agata & Valentina. “It would have been a nice life for me. A happy life,” she says. “I’m sure I’d still be working there to this day, and it would have been great.”

Oh great. Now you tell us.

Now, now, before you think that in our glee we are advocating violence against Rachael Ray, let us assure you, we're not. Oh, alright, maybe a little light pistol-whipping, or a couple of thwacks with a bottle of EVOO, but that's it, really. It is, after all, the season of good will towards men, women, and My Little Apocalyptic Pony.

Still, what really gets us is how clear it is that the mugging was a foiled 12 Monkeys/Terminator operation from the future, when, not content with her television, book, and mass-market crackers empire, she becomes President of the United States or Empress Palpating. A plucky band of rebels send a borg back in time to prevent it all, and he simply mucks it up. Nicely done, plucky band of rebels! Couldn't you have sprung for a better-quality borg?

Well, God and Miss Bette Davis bless us, every one.