Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Splenda in the Ass: Mia Gaines-Alt to Sleep with Loaded Double Hockey Sticks Under Her Bed

Well, it's h-e-double hockey sticks time in Oakdale, California.

Josette Eber always looked as if she could sleep with one eye open, and now we fear that she may indeed have to.

We also now understand why her mother was so cagey and nervous after Miss XaXa showed up at the Feed the People! restaurant with her camera, her pricey grin, and her molasses-thinned-with-Karo-syrup Southern accent.

If you are a loyal "Top Chef" viewer, as you must be if you are reading these frivolous musings, you will no doubt remember the "Camp Glucose" episode, where the chefs were to prepare a 500-calorie meal for overweight kids at a Christian university in Malibu that is paradoxically known as a party school.

Once approved by guest nutritionists, the recipes were not to be deviated from. However, in contravention of the rules, Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser replaced the Splenda in her meringue cookies with sugar, and her team went on to win the Elimination Challenge.

When the judges were deciding whom to send home, accusations and innuendo about cheating flew fast and furious. Sam made wild statements about hands wielding squeeze bottles of olive oil. (Frankly, it looks to us like he was the culprit, and that all the olive oil went into his hair; seriously, we itch to introduce this man to a good shampoo, or at the very least a couple of squirts of Dawn). However, when pressed to name names, Sam refused, saying, "I won't go there."

At this point, Miss Josette Eber herself jumped in: "Oh, I'll go there" and pointed the finger at Spice Rack's Splenda deception. Spice Rack, not being in the room, was never the wiser, and in a subsequent episode, the two women worked together, hugged, cried, and were proud of their overcooked duck breast, all the while ignoring the shiv sticking out from between Spice Rack's shoulder blades.

Until recently.

As described in the L.A. Independent's profile of Spice Rack,

In scripted television, however, there are fewer surprises for the actors — like the one Fraser got a few weeks ago when she saw a that fellow competitor, Mia, ratted her out to the judges’ table after Fraser altered a pre-approved cookie recipe during a challenge, unintentionally breaking a rule.“I was surprised and disappointed,” Fraser says. “I didn’t know up until I saw it [on T.V.].”

So now she knows. And you know what else she knows? That Oakdale is a straight shot, as it were, up Interstate 5 from Los Angeles.

And so, given Spice Rack's demonstrated ability to nurse loud, abusive, and virulent grudges, and her propensity for statements such as, "Anything that'll fuck you up is fair," perhaps Mama Mia thought Miss XaXa was a hired assassin when she showed up.

She wasn't, of course, but watch out, Mia. You might just get a packet of cookies in the mail, not realizing that the Splenda has been replaced with polonium-210.


Anonymous said...

Please take a look at Betty's MY SPACE page when you have a chance. She writes in her blog that she never used Splenda. She used sugar for that recipe with the nutritionists ok. Don't forget, there is not much "Reality" in Reality Television.

Anonymous said...

Oh, dahlings, another reader who doesn't quite get you, but cute in the observation department nevertheless.

As for your Splenda in the Ass allusion, I wonder if Top Chef should ask Warren Beatty, he of the newly prominent eyelids and raised brows, to judge a TC2 competition? It would give his dead end career a boost, no?

Anonymous said...

All in all....we are down to four in Top Chef....I think Elia is great....and also I ADMIRE MARCEL for never losing his temper LIKE THE REST OF THEM....being a TOP CHEF is all aspects....I think, though, SAM will win...