Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Amuse-Biatch Hate-Mail Bag: Oh the Drudgery of It All

As Marlene Dietrich once said in one of her Josef von Sternberg extravaganzas, "It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily." Well, it took more than one anonymous commenter to change our name to Amuse-Biatch.

And so, once again, we sit en déshabillé at our rosewood écritoire overlooking the jardin d'hiver at Withering Depths to answer our reader correspondence.

Today's post brings us two notes. First, to the nice reader who directed us to Betty Fraser's MySpace page--thank you, we will definitely check that out, and respond accordingly.

Now to our second "fan" letter, which begins, "Wow...I have just run across this blog and it's proof that blogs are indeed the place where those with no writing talent hide." Well, hello, possum, and welcome to our hiding place. We hope it's big enough for the both of us; well, if it isn't, don't mind the foxhole frottage.

What you may have missed, Gentle Anonymous Reader, is that our rather large forked tongue is firmly planted in our cheek. Keep that in mind, and it will all go down much more smoothly.

You continue, "Yeah...bust Betty for a reporter not being clear. What Betty did go on to say about the similarites between being a chef and an actor I found to be right on the mark. 'I’m sure it’s no accident that I went from acting to cooking,' Fraser says. 'They’re both about creativity and what you can bring to it; they’re both about creating a final product for others.' "

Possum, sorry to be a bother, but if you read our post, you'll see that, actually, we're "busting" the reporter, and not Betty, for the lack of clarity. As for the "similarites" [sic] between being a chef and an actor, both you and Betty are welcome to all the platitudes you can handle. And by yours and Betty's lights, what with "creativity" and "creating a final product for others," the chappy who puts together the PowerPoint presentations for our office is of the brotherhood of chefs and actors.

You continue, "Also, perhaps you just neglected to mention that on the IMDB site, it lists the series cast of the show Wolf. Did Betty mention in the article that she was a series regular? Perhaps she appeared on only one or two episodes. Perhaps she did have another name at the time. People do use stage names or get married, right? Great research."

Possum, we fear that, once again, you missed the tongue in cheek and the entire point of the post, and jokes become so tedious when one has to explain them. We did not intimate that Betty was lying about having acted on "Wolf." Not that it will matter to you, but we did quite a good bit of research on "Wolf," admittedly less in the interest of "fair and balanced" reporting than in the hope of finding pictures of Betty in fishnets and Spandex while playing "a hooker with a heart of gold."

Whatever our baser motives, the research was extensive. What tickled us, and left us dissatisfied, was precisely the fact that, contrary to what you say, IMDB in fact lists even people who appeared only briefly on one episode, such as "Purse Woman," whereas there was no listing for "Hooker." However, we think this is due to the lack of completeness of the listings, and not to any falsehood on Betty's part. After all, it isn't as if "Wolf" was a masterpiece on the order of "Murder, She Wrote"; it simply doesn't attract the level of scholarly and archival attention that would ensure documentation of every actor who appeared during its one and only season.

Ah, Gentle Anonymous Reader, at last we come to the best part of your letter: "If you are going to try and go all Matt Drudge on us, at least try to do it with a semblance of skill. Oh, that's right. Blogs aren't about facts. They are about making things up and thinking people really care about your opinion. Good work then. "

Well, of course people care about our opinion. And why not? You cared, and enough to send your very best. Quod erat demonstrandum.

But the accusation of Drudgery? Oh, that one gave us quite a chortle. Your intimation that somehow "Matt Drudge" and "facts" are ever connected is a droll one indeed, and shows just how debased the standards have actually become. Tsk, tsk, possum, one's own petards and all that. We certainly don't aspire to Drudgery. For one, we don't wear hats, not fedoras or porkpies or anything of the sort. We don't use sirens in our posts. And we aren't closeted gay Republicans. As we told someone recently, we fly the lavender flag on the Good Ship Lollipop.

Finally, as regards our writing talent, or lack thereof, that's entirely a matter of opinion, and you, Gentle Anonymous Reader, are entitled to yours. Far be it from us to blow our own trumpet. But if we could, we assure you, we would definitely stop dating.

Keep those letters coming!


JavaJunkie said...


I pity the intrepid anonymous.

You are fast becoming my hero.

PeachPie said...

LOL! Choice response, Charlus. And as for Miss Betty...I'll bet you've seen this classic:

The Bad Seed (1956): The story of a charming pigtailed eight-year-old whose perfect manners mask....