Thursday, December 07, 2006

Padma Lakshmi: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who's the Fugliest of Them All?

Well, we can't say we weren't warned.

For over a week now, Raggaydy Andy Cohen of Bravo has been warning us repeatedly about Padma's bikini top in this episode, which he personally approved.

And for the decision to approve that outfit, Andy, we are making a gay citizen's arrest and summarily taking your gay card away. You're on probation, son. We're giving your gay card to Tom & Lorenzo over at Project Rungay & Project Gay, and you'll have to convince them that you will not use your gay powers for ill again before it is restored to you.

For God's sake, what were you thinking? The whole One Million Years B.C. meets cancer victim meets Destiny's Malnourished Child thing, the combination of jeans mini, bikini top, sheepskin vest, cardigan, paisley 'do-rag (we forget, what does the brown hankie stand for?) and extensions--oy, it just made our synapses weak in the knees.

Could it be a covert plan to give Michael Kors a heart attack (or perhaps a cheap face lift, the hope being that the shock will be so great that his eyebrows will stay permanently raised)? Speaking of which, perhaps Nancy Pelosi should hold Congressional hearings on just how bad this outfit is. The American people deserve to hear Raggaydy Andy's testimony under oath.

But here's the thing. We actually loved it. Fashion this apocalyptically, epically, Oliver-Stone-with-an-unlimited-budget bad comes along but once in a generation. And Padma seemed to know it. She appeared on the verge of giggles the whole time.

For our part, we roared with laughter, pounding our wee tyrant fists on the Regency-striped silk of our fainting couch in uncontrolled, orgasmic mirth. We can't remember the last time we laughed so hard. Could it really have been ten years ago (when Kate Beckinsale was an actress and not just a pair of tits with a British accent), as we were watching Cold Comfort Farm and Ian McKellen's stern warning that "There'll be no butter in hell!" nearly gave us an aneurysm?

Well, we definitely saw something nasty in the woodshed, and this outfit is it. Hey, Anon47, we sure hope you were watching. We would have paid a goodly sum to see your crestfallen face as your words about Padma being "one of the most stylish women around" turned to ashes on your lips.


anon47 said...

Now I'm sure: you really are blind.

Anonymous said...

Oh, this is so much fun. A bitch slap contest across the ether.

Seriously, I enjoyed this excellent episode immensely. What a relief. I was about to give up hope on Top Chef.

Jullesdelight said...

Anon47, you must be the sole faithful reader keeping Cosmopolitan magazine alive? And you must be that fashionetta I unknowingly refer to when I pass by the Rave and Wet Seal stores at the mall and ask myself “who the hell shops at these stores??” Knowing where you capture your fashion sense, well, this explains it all.

Sun said...

Holy Cavernous Belly Button!

I can't imagine Padma working any harder to look worse than this. She must have really put some thought into this one.
And really, Is the whole I'm trying really hard not to sound like I'm from So-Cal accent really necessary?

anon47 said...

OK, children, I'm going to leave you to your biatch-fest now. Have happy lives trashing people and their clothes and so forth. And if I ever see you on the beach in the summer I'm sure I'll recognize you all at once: you'll be the dazzlingly gorgeous ones in the designer gowns.

Anonymous said...

Is it just coincidence that Anon47 is always standing up for Padma, and Mr. Rushdie was born in 1947???

Could Anon47 really be him?

That would be too...precious, for lack of a better term.

anon47 said...

Oh, MY, I'm honored. Thank you, thank you, my fellow numberless Anonymous. And just before I leave this area for ever, let me suggest some other people, also born in 1947, that google says I might be:
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Billy Crystal
Camilla Parker Bowles
Camille Paglia
Carlos Santana
Cheryl Tiegs
Dan Quayle
Danielle Steel
David Bowie
David Letterman
David Mamet
Elton John
Glenn Close
O J Simpson
Stephen King
Steven Spielberg
Susan Lucci
Ted Danson
Warren Zevon... oh, no, he's dead.
Goodbye, all.....!!!

sun said...

Don't go! No, really! You're special! You're opinions are really much better than ours! We are just mindless hacks! We couldn't live with ourselves if we knew you threw yourself into the internet abyss because of our inability to recognize your superior intellect and insight! Is a skank ho reality show host really worth it?

We'll miss you, I guess.

An said...

Frankly, I feel like Gail and Tom look much more suitably dressed. They look comfortable and casual. Padma just looks cold. I couldn't help but thinking, "somebody get that girl a blanket!"

Laz said...

I didn't mind the hip-hop pirate look but my retinas are still smarting from the pink and green atrocity of the Quickfire Challenge. Padma has either declared all-out war on sensible fashion or is pleading for help. Either way, intervention seems imminent.

eric3000 said...

This outfit says, "I'm at the beach so I'm going to wear a bikini but I'm also cold so I'm going to wear a gigantic sweater over it and let my belly hang out." Why am I being forced to look at this woman?

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