Thursday, January 18, 2007

First Reaction: Amuse-Biatch Did Not Try to Choke Marcel Vigneron or Call Him a Faggot

We’ll try to bring the funny, possums, but we warn you that it was a little more difficult than usual with this episode, and we have had to scrape the sides and bottom of the barrel.

First, a synopsis.

The Quickfire Challenge was to create a dish using Nestlé’s new line of baking chocolate. The winner was Sam “Let me once again trot out the fact that I’m a diabetic” Talbot. The Elimination Challenge was to create a “romantic” five-course dinner for a contingent of couples (including the Bravo-mandated token gay couple) celebrating their anniversaries at a restaurant in Santa Barbara reportedly owned by Kevin Costner. (This seems rather fitting, inasmuch as, if the reported allegations of masseuses in Scotland are to be trusted, KC definitely believes in happy endings.)

Later that night, the cheftestants requested a video camera from the producers, and Elia Aboumrad decided to shave her head. Her Kim Kardashian, Ilan Hall, also shaved his head. Cliff Crooks decided that Marcel should have his head shaved, too. They went into the living room, where Marcel was sleeping on the couch, and Cliff put him in a headlock on the floor while Sam giggled and Ilan videotaped the whole thing and incited Sam to have a try at shaving Marcel’s head.

For his pains, Cliff was dismissed from the show, and the remaining four moved to the finals in Hawaii.

One would think that someone whose name is Ilan might, oh, you know, be sensitive to the resonance of an unpopular minority being assaulted in the middle of the night and having his head shaved while others cheer, but what do we know? And some people might have thought it less than classy for Bravo to run a poll in the first commercial break after the incident in order to determine who hates Marcel the most, with one of the answer choices being “Me,” since it might be construed as piling up on Marcel and as giving its imprimatur to the impulse behind the hazing, but what do such people know?

So what did we find amusing?

OK, here goes:

That Ilan, Elia and Marcel reenacted the Paris Hilton-Nicole Richie-Kim Kardashian triangle, with Ilan moving into Elia’s bedroom so they could wear oversize shades in bed, and paint each other’s toenails, and, as it turned out, “do” each other’s hair.

That Bravo Foreshadowing™ had Cliff declaring earlier, “I don’t plan on doing anything to screw up.”

That Sam smarmily declared, “Marcel is very adolescent.”

That Padma Lakshmi called the cheftestants, “You idiots,” in her most maternal tones.

That the token gay couple, Buck and Barry (it must save money on monograms), were celebrating their third anniversary while a few of the straight couples had been together for something like 20 years, since three is the equivalent of 20 in gay years.

That a Bravo graphic described one of the elements in Elia’s Quickfire Challenge dish as “carmelized,” which, to the extent it’s a word at all, would better describe what happened to Clint Eastwood after he became the mayor of a wealthy seaside town in Northern California.

That Cliff, who was given to wearing scrubs during the season, managed, only two days after the Golden Globes, to become the new Isaiah Washington.

That Marcel unwittingly found himself questioning being a bottom and munching rug (as well as nursing rug burns) mere seconds after the notion of being awakened by an attractive man on top of him went from being a closeted wet dream to a reality-show nightmare.

That the NBC synergy and cross-promotion machine is so well-oiled that, during the Quickfire Challenge, Padma appeared in costume for the NBC/Bravo series, Grease: You’re the One That I Want. Padma, you are….(excruciatingly suspenseful pause) NOT Sandy.

That we got to see a photo of Elia and her boyfriend on the night-stand, but no photographic evidence of a relationship between Ilan and “Carolina.”

That there was a battle of the accents and wills between Slippery-as-an-Eelia Aboumrad and Eric “Your Deesh is Beyond” Ripert.

That hot French cyborg and full-lipped “demigod” Eric Ripert declared Cliff a more authentic Mexican than Elia.

That Ilan pronounced “offal” as “ah-FALL,” since pride goeth before offal.

See? We told you it would be hard to come up with funny stuff.


Anonymous said...

Once again Sam incited someone else to violence and then backed off and watched.

Second: Cliff may have nudged Marcel's oven tray of salmon so that it slid onto the floor.

mr. t said...

my favorite moment was the sexy and knowing wink that sam gave ilan right before they announced the pair would be going to hawai'i.

Bug said...

Spot-on summary. The public gay-bashing of Marcel sanctioned by Bravo is revolting. I felt like I was watching Jodie Foster in the Accused as Cliff mounted his mark. Just offal.

Nate said...

How about that Bob Barker shit Padma pulled on Elia and Marcel? "Elia...Marcel....please pack your knives (lonnnnngggg pause)...because you're going to Hawaii!"

Anonymous said...

In the next episode...

Sam pan-sears another goddamned diver scallop and Ilan remixes paella yet again.

If Marcel gets fussed out for going ballistic with the lecithin foams as condiments, why the hell don't the judges get on Sam and Ilan's asses for basically cooking the same fucking thing all the goddamned time?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 9:50am, you also forgot Sam's incessant uses of "crudo salads" as well.

Anonymous said...

And also don't forget that scumbag Sam has pickled about as many times as Marcel has used foam.

What a disgusting episode! It was like Deliverance/Pulp Fiction/The Accused/Oz/American History X/Screech's Dirty Sanchez video all rolled into one highly concentral glob of puke.

kbryna said...

wait wait - did Cliff really call Marcel a f***ot? I didn't hear that - did he really say it? if so - APPALLING!

Charlus said...

Just to be clear, Cliff did not call Marcel that. We were just making an allusion to the fracas on the set of "Grey's Anatomy" involving Isaiah Washington and outed actor TR Knight.

Laz said...

I fainted ever so daintily at Elia's reveal of her new GI Chef look...still woozy.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't doubt that Marcel had a fleeting fear during that uncomfortably long amount of time Cliff had him pinned down that he was about to lose his virginity. Think about it: they had been sexually harrassing him for a long time up until that point about him being a virgin and all that. Stranger things have been known to happen. Poor Marcel. Seeing Cliff's hand on Marcel's little neck was frightening.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who wet my pants at the sight of the Big strong handsome man hold his prey absolutely motionless while he weighed his options of what he would like to do with the little trifle. While I would rather have been in Marcels shoes as I would have taken full advantage of the situation. I hate to say it but that was one of the hottest homo-erotic scenes ever.

Anonymous said...

yep, i think your alone.

Anonymous said...

Nope, I'm pretty sure Ilan had an erection filming that. You could hear him panting from behind the camera.

Anonymous said...

First, Clearly BRAVO and the Producers of TOP CHEF have tried to revised the facts of the night. And you like other have accept what you saw. However if you look at the episode again when Marcel is leaving the room Elia is lying on the floor laughing with her hair well in place clearly she has not shave her head before the mad 4 decieded to shave Marcel's head. After the assault on Marcel the mad 4 got together and came up shaving their heads. This is fact. So please let get the facts straight before we report TC verison of events.