Marcel Vigneron Strikes a Blow for Necromancy, Trans Fats

In a world beset by a roiling movement to ban trans fats, there is finally some good news for Oreos, and for Nabisco, the company that manufactures this beloved icon of American junk food.

The glad tidings come from an unusual source, from none other than our very own, hip hop-inflected, white chocolate-dipped Oreo himself, Marcel Vigneron. During last week's episode, in a move that sent shock waves through the necromancy and augury communities, Marcel abandoned millennia of tradition to forge a new path in the dark arts.

Desirous of knowing whether his team would win the Elimination Challenge, Marcel turned away from time-tested culinary divination tools such as tea leaves, coffee grounds, and avian entrails, and embraced a radical new vessel of spiritual communication--the humble, trans-fat-laden Oreo.

"Are we gonna win?" he queried.

"The Oreo says yes," he answered.

And just like that, the stock price for Tyco, maker of the Magic 8-Ball, fell sharply, while analysts reported a surge in Nabisco stock. Marcel's genius became immediately apparent. If you don't like the answer the Oreo gives you, or if the Oreo lies to you (as it lied to Marcel), instead of shooting the messenger, you just eat it. It's simplicity itself.

And speaking of Marcel and Oreos and gratuitous sexual innuendo, have you possums seen that positively filthy television commercial for, ahem, "Double-Stuff Oreos," featuring the two cops and the tag line, "Ready. Set. Lick."? We tried to cover our prurience with an intellectual Lycra fig leaf in the form of French theorist René Girard’s triangular structure of desire, but really, the commercial is plain ole filth. We view it as a metaphor for what Top Chef has become--a culinary, Bravo-produced, no-dead-people-in-it version of Ghost, with Marcel and Ilan Hall replacing Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore, and with the Oreos replacing Whoopi Goldberg as a sexual intermediary.

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