Thursday, February 15, 2007

Amuse-Biatch Watches Morning Television at Gayhab As Ilan Hall Shows FOX His Coq

What Valentine's Day would be complete without our beloved, entirely heterosexual adjudged Top Chef winner, Ilan Hall, appearing on Fox's Republican-but-randy morning show? That's The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, the guilty pleasure about which The New York Times television critic wrote:

He’s smarmy. She’s contrived. He leers at girls like an old stage ham. She talks about freezing her eggs and getting her breasts done. Together they’re Mike Jerrick and Juliet Huddy, Fox’s new morning pair, who use their unholy chemistry to pervert the breakfast hour on “The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet.” We owe these two a warm, warm welcome.

We know what morning shows look like on the networks accused by conservatives of liberal bias, but a morning show produced by Fox is more mysterious. Will it just be a last stop for “American Idol” rejects? Can we expect hair-care demos from Hannity and Colmes?

Surprise. In its more than three weeks on the air, “The Morning Show” has opted, above all, for creepy prurience.

And, well, Ilan's appearance did not disappoint. It was smarmy, and contrived, and creepy, and a little bit prurient. Ilan, sporting an increasingly porcupine-like "mulhawk" and apparently having ditched the multiple-wristwatch fad he blames on Suyai, appeared to teach ole Mike and Juliet how to make coq au vin. He sounded gayer than we've ever heard him before, but then our counselor here at Rainbow Springs Gayhab in the Hollywood Hills pointed out that we were spewing homophobic invective, and we felt mightily guilty for setting back our sobriety.

Fortunately, this being Fox, such unpleasant thoughts of gayness were not allowed to linger, and we were treated to a live appearance by... Ilan's girlfriend! Carolina! Yay!

Ok, that was our best Kermit the Frog impression. We have to sit down for a minute now.

And she talks! And she breathes! And wouldn't you know it, they conveniently started dating on Valentine's Day a year ago. Awwwww.

Watch for yourselves as perky blonde Juliet, relieved that no Frenchy-named, molenukewler gastrowhatchamacallit contestant took the prize, trills to Ilan, "Thank God you won! Thank God you won!"

Thrill as Ilan presents her with a gift, a framed picture of himself! Share our pain in gayhab as we struggle not to yell at the television, paraphrasing a Top Design contestant, "How can you argue with a narcissist?"! Delight in how quickly the girlfriend trope is trotted out! Wink virtuously as Carolina admits she's never had Ilan's coq, and Juliet invites her to sample it! Laugh "Rapturously," "Left Behind-edly," and no-land-for-peacefully as Ilan takes the sprinkling of kosher salt to remind the faithful base that he is Jewish, you know, like, from Israel! Shiver with naughty delight at Shriner-style ribaldry as Mike talks about chicken sucking up sauce! Sigh heteronormatively as Mike tries desperately to get Ilan married!

It's a belated valentine from us to you, possums.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. That was odd. Fox and Freaks. Do housewives like cooking tips from someone who looks like a rentboy?

You can see what mission objective #1 is. I'm stunned his friend wasn't standing next to him holding his coq.

Marriage moment. Awkward. Like Ilan's thinking, how far do I have to carry this frigging thing?

Anonymous said...

God bless you, Charlus. You are a good person who knows how to use your massive vocabulary for good, and not evil.

Java Junkie said...

Bloviate Schmoviate...You Rock, Charlus!
xoxoxoxox!
The Gals

Anonymous said...

Sam Talbot was also cooking on the same show at the end of last month. He made Southern Style Meatloaf with Green Beans. You can watch the video here: http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/top-chefs-southern-style-meatloaf/

Here's the page for the written recipe: http://www.mandjshow.com/features/recipes/meatloaf-and-greenbeans/

I'll bet it's not nearly as fun as the Ian Hall show, though.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

It seems fitting that Ilan would end up at Fox. That big jackass.

I don't know how that guy gets anybody to hold his coq.

Anonymous said...

Who cares?
What kind of losers are still obsessed with hating some guy on tv you do not know! For what? He's sarcastic and smarmy?
Pfft.
You know Ilan's mom and Ilan are right.
THere are a few hundred of the same people that are members at different blogs all b*tching about the same topic over and over....all about Ilan and how horrible his win was and how evil he is..blah blah blah.

Most people according to the Bravo polls and from what I can tell at my school and at my work, they all liked Ilan over Marcel. Then again they are normal people with lives who did not obsess over someone by going on a blog or a message board.
All of them have moved on from Top Chef and never looked back. See, it's just a show for entertainment. Not life or death,

Keep up your circle jerking. It's really kind of sad and it's irrelevant.
Ilan won, he has 100K, and numerous job offers coming in, and there is not a damn thing you shrill loons posting night and day on your blogs and messages boards can do about it.
Ilan will be living it up in the mediterrian soon and you all will still be bitter and whining about him on the internet.

How about spending your time in life promoting what you LIKE instead of stewing in your DISLIKE for a person who wouldn't notice you if you were on fire in the same room with him.

You are all sad.

Anonymous said...

^^^
Um, is that you, Mrs. Hall?

janice said...

WOAH!!!

Watch the Sam Talbot interview on the same show:

http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/
top-chefs-southern

RE: Clippergate

Sam says "It was a farce. It was untrue". Then he says, "It was all a lie".

He says Marcel was "the villain", and that he (Sam) was the stoic one.

Wow. Talk about BULLSHIT.

It's even worse listening to Ilan and Sam in these obnoxious interviews.

Anonymous said...

Hey, gang, Ilan and/or his mom are posting here! And, gee whiz, they don't like what they see!

But then, neither did we TC viewers, Ilan. As my mom use to say, you made your bed, you gotta lie in it. Bet YOUR mom never taught that to you, though.

anne said...

Sam Talbot was also cooking on the same show at the end of last month. He made Southern Style Meatloaf with Green Beans. You can watch the video here:

http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/top-chefs-southern-style-meatloaf/

YIKES!! These guys are really obnoxious. Sam is a smarmy conniving creep. He and Ilan make the perfect pair. Both so delusional and enamoured with their own crap.

And they just keep trashing Marcel in every interview. Just can't let it go, huh? Pathetic!

Anonymous said...

Get over yourself Anon 7:21 PM. If people want to dish a reality show flaming flame-out, what is it to you?

In spite of what you say it's obvious there's blood in the water with Ilan and mommy's snit-fit editorials in her paper.

It's more than a few people on the internet.
How come the best Ilan can do is a crappy Faux morning show Sam already did? Because he was turned down by all the more prominent ones. He's the winner, and they don't want him. Are people on the internet responsible for that? No!

Had he held it together, kept his creepiness and nastiness in check, he'd be doing OK. 100k is more like 60k after taxes. The real money comes if the audience likes you and wants more, then oportunities open up and you're not scraping by catering small diner parties, like he is now. Ilan stated on the first show he wanted to be famous. Ha!

So it's sweet seeing the worm squirm.

Anonymous said...

Anon. 7:21 PM (aka Ilan's friend or family member)

Ilan wishes that the public's dislike of him was confined to a few hundred bloggers. But that's not true. Here's a little blurb from the Long Island Press on their Express Checkout page for 02/15/07:

ILAN HALL—OFF TARGET Meanspirited bully and universally disliked crybaby sore-winner of Top Chef has his Newsday-employed mommy defend him in the daily’s Sunday opinion piece filled with venom for "pale" bloggers. Waaah. Waaah.

http://www.longislandpress.com/?cp=54&show=article&a_id=11055

That about sums it up, don't you think?

Ilan should have been disqualified at the same time as Cliff was sent home. But he wasn't and now he's reaping the public's dissatisfaction with Bravo's choice for Top Cook. He didn't deserve the win.

Anon. 10:11 PM comments are right on target.

Nate said...

Let's focus on the important thing here, folks. Ilan's haircut is approaching Marcel's for sheer ridiculousness.

Anonymous said...

Anon 7:21 PM, why do all these losers dislike Ilan? Why don't the shrill loons dislike Marcel? And why do you, my friend, have such a need to insult anyone with a negative opinion of Ilan? You don't seem to have moved on at all.

Your insults are immature, and you seem to think that $100,000 is a lot of money. You may not know many people who think that $100,000 is very little. If Ilan ever wants to open a restaurant, he'll have to learn to be very, very polite to these people---and hope he can get into the same room with them.

kbryna said...

wow, that was awkward. let's take a break, bring your girlfriend up and POP THAT.....

Ilan looked cute in his little grey sweater. Carolina's earrings are vulgar.

That show looks appalling. i want to kick that man in the balls (the host, not Ilan. I figure Ilan's been through enough, faking straight all these months).

i am sorry about that anon-troll. also i believe he/she means Mediterranean.
and Ilan has said he's going there with his parents, NOT with his girlfriend.

I loved him when I thought he was a gay boy....maybe he'd be nicer and less smarmy if he could just open that closet door a bit?

Anonymous said...

So Ilan uses kosher salt while he's cooking 'because he's Jewish' but his favorite food is bacon/pork? From a recent interview at Epicurius.com http://www.epicurious.com/features/articles/ilanhall:

Epi: And now, it's reported, your favorite food is bacon?

IH: I can't resist. Smoked pork in general, especially smoked ham hocks. My favorite sandwich is probably the BLT. And I get it at the corner deli for $1.90. If you want it toasted, it's $2.10. On the corner of 14th and Third Avenue [in Manhattan].

(Jewish dietary laws: http://www.jewfaq.org/kashrut.htm)

Anonymous said...

Janice, if I'm not mistaken, Sam actually called Marcel "the villainess" of the show.

Naturally, Sam was still defending the timeline of the head shaving taking place first, followed by the assault on Marcel.

It was painful to watch both of those segments.

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna have to agree with Anon 7:21 here. People need to get over it and get a life. Ilan won. Face it and move on. Every person on here trashing him and questioning his sexuality is doing the exact same thing their bitching about Ilan going on and on about Marcel.

I don't know one casual viewer of this show that perfered Marcel over Ilan. My favorite went out long before but it was highly entertaining to see the very vocal Marcel minority watch their hero get his booty handed to him by their Axis of top Chef Evil, Ilan Betty and Elia. And while it was very entertaining, its been three weeks now. Step away from the keyboard and let it go.

Anonymous said...

Haven't watched Sam's. He's hidiously ugly on screen and a petulant baby to boot.

Ilan's love of "smoked pork." LOL!

Anonymous said...

zknnyczeAnon 11:14, You're telling people to move on and in the same breath you're admitting you enjoyed watching Marcel kicked around and people being outraged by it.

You're the one who need to move on. What are you doing here? Open up LoveIlan.com and moderate all the posts so they don't offend you & Ilan, and his mama.

The show lost much credibility over this and the way they handled it. Ilan's win is tainted and to many people I know in real life, a sad joke.

And one more thing. Ilan doesn't exactly try to hide his sexuality. It's like someone who wants to be caught so they can finally be unburdened.

Anonymous said...

As a very frequent watcher of Fox News...seriously...can someone else take him? Please? Another station? Anyone?

leanne said...

Sam is a liar. Is he for real? Denying that there was ever any bullying? Saying that it was all a farce, a lie, entirely untrue?

WTF?????

Sam, you smarmy shit-stirrer. The viewers saw YOU onscreen, laughing your ass off as Cliff held Marcel down and Ilan video-taped. We saw YOU tell Ilan to "Get in there" and follow Marcel into his room after the attack.

How can Sam now deny that any of this happened? Convenient case of amnesia, huh?

I believe Sam sabatgoged Marcel in the final episode. He conveniently forgot the fish, the orchids, and another ingredient. Then he lied in front of the judges and claimed that the sea beans &heart of palms dish was HIS idea.

Again, more lies...

I heard Sam is even denying the timeline was flipped (even though both Marcel and Elia have admitted it was switched).

Sam is such a disgusting liar. He and Ilan should have been kicked off the show too. Tom had the right idea! Get rid of them all!

Anonymous said...

"Sam actually called Marcel "the villainess" of the show."

Ugh, Sam is such a bitch. He and Ilan are so pathetic.

Anonymous said...

Stepping out from gayhab, I'll only point out how unoriginal Ilan is again. This coq recipe wasn't his own, it belongs to his dad. When Ilan does something on his own, it turns out really lame like this valentines day recipe here:
http://lifeandstylemag.hollywood.com/2007/02/top_chef.php

Anonymous said...

LOL this place is a RIOT!!!!!

Seriously people here need to let it go. Its a tv show. Ilan won deal with it. Marcel lost.

Aside from a few agitated keyboard jockeys America sleeps soundly lol.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't care less Ilan won. But he's a prick, and his mere existence offends me. He needs to go away.

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:49 PM sounds exactly like the woman who made multiple posts LOLing in the Newsday Forum ... does Mrs Hall have only one friend?

Nate said...

Uh, he IS away. Top Chef is over. If you don't like him, don't troll for shit like this.

Anonymous said...

Jerrick and Huddy are NOT on FoxNews anymore people. They're on the Fox Entertainment Broadcast Network. Different animal.

As much as I desire to bitch-slap that little weasel Ilan, I almost felt sorry for him stuck with those two inane babblers on that segment.

They were marginally less annoying when they were on FoxNews, simply you can't be TOO cheesy when there could be a deadly serious breaking news interruption at any moment.

Now that they're free from that restraint, they're just disgusting.