Top Chef Ilan D. Hall Joins the Amuse-Biatch Crusade to Bring Back Sweetness and Light, Gucci Handbags

It is Ash Wednesday, possums, and we were ebullient and uplifted (in that Cross Your Heart, 18-hour way) after early-morning services (we wore our charcoal YSL turtleneck in order to match the ash daubed on our forehead, but our brow was equally touched with sweetness and light).

Taking a gander at the salmon-colored pages (well, Miss XaXa says they're more pink than salmon, but pink sounds so, like, gay) of The New York Observer, and relieved that there was no article by Simon Doonan to test our post-Rainbow Springs sobriety, we were about to turn to the irreproachably heterosexual Andrew Sarris' column, when we came across a tidbit on Top Chef Ilan D. Hall, who, just in time for the paschal season, shows himself appropriately repentant, humble, and full of the new spirit of sweetness and light.

The author describes running into "an expensively but hiply dressed man in a wool-knit beanie cap, with a Louis Vuitton bag the size of a 4-year-old child" who turned out to be none other than "Top Chef conquistador Ilan D. Hall. "

After congratulating our beloved Ilan on winning, the author decided to compliment the indubitably heterosexual Ilan on his sac à main:

"Nice bag, Gucci?"

"Yeah." But it looked very Louis Vuitton.

"Look at you, buying Gucci bags right and left," The Transom gushed.

"No, it's old." But it looked very new.

We got into the elevator, The Transom first. "So what's going on with Cliff? He's not in jail is he?" Cliff is Cliff Crooks, who was ejected from Bravo for getting rough with contestant Marcel Vigneron's gorgeous mane.

"Nah, he's in his restaurant, he's doing really well," Mr. Hall said.

"Yeah!" said The Transom, angling for another high five. "That dude actually probably deserved to get his head shaved."

Then things got hot: Mr. Hall furrowed his epicurean brow. "He deserved more than that." Snap!

Already we feel sweeter and more light.

Amuse-Biatch Watches Morning Television at Gayhab As Ilan Hall Shows FOX His Coq

What Valentine's Day would be complete without our beloved, entirely heterosexual adjudged Top Chef winner, Ilan Hall, appearing on Fox's Republican-but-randy morning show? That's The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, the guilty pleasure about which The New York Times television critic wrote:

He’s smarmy. She’s contrived. He leers at girls like an old stage ham. She talks about freezing her eggs and getting her breasts done. Together they’re Mike Jerrick and Juliet Huddy, Fox’s new morning pair, who use their unholy chemistry to pervert the breakfast hour on “The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet.” We owe these two a warm, warm welcome.

We know what morning shows look like on the networks accused by conservatives of liberal bias, but a morning show produced by Fox is more mysterious. Will it just be a last stop for “American Idol” rejects? Can we expect hair-care demos from Hannity and Colmes?

Surprise. In its more than three weeks on the air, “The Morning Show” has opted, above all, for creepy prurience.

And, well, Ilan's appearance did not disappoint. It was smarmy, and contrived, and creepy, and a little bit prurient. Ilan, sporting an increasingly porcupine-like "mulhawk" and apparently having ditched the multiple-wristwatch fad he blames on Suyai, appeared to teach ole Mike and Juliet how to make coq au vin. He sounded gayer than we've ever heard him before, but then our counselor here at Rainbow Springs Gayhab in the Hollywood Hills pointed out that we were spewing homophobic invective, and we felt mightily guilty for setting back our sobriety.

Fortunately, this being Fox, such unpleasant thoughts of gayness were not allowed to linger, and we were treated to a live appearance by... Ilan's girlfriend! Carolina! Yay!

Ok, that was our best Kermit the Frog impression. We have to sit down for a minute now.

And she talks! And she breathes! And wouldn't you know it, they conveniently started dating on Valentine's Day a year ago. Awwwww.

Watch for yourselves as perky blonde Juliet, relieved that no Frenchy-named, molenukewler gastrowhatchamacallit contestant took the prize, trills to Ilan, "Thank God you won! Thank God you won!"

Thrill as Ilan presents her with a gift, a framed picture of himself! Share our pain in gayhab as we struggle not to yell at the television, paraphrasing a Top Design contestant, "How can you argue with a narcissist?"! Delight in how quickly the girlfriend trope is trotted out! Wink virtuously as Carolina admits she's never had Ilan's coq, and Juliet invites her to sample it! Laugh "Rapturously," "Left Behind-edly," and no-land-for-peacefully as Ilan takes the sprinkling of kosher salt to remind the faithful base that he is Jewish, you know, like, from Israel! Shiver with naughty delight at Shriner-style ribaldry as Mike talks about chicken sucking up sauce! Sigh heteronormatively as Mike tries desperately to get Ilan married!

It's a belated valentine from us to you, possums.

Amuse-Biatch Shares Its "VD" with You -- Valentine's Day, That Is

Normally, we hate Valentine's Day, mostly because of all the people who say "ValentiMe's Day." However, this year is different, because we got a Valentine's Day card from reader Dianna, and we are only too happy to share it with you. And look, Mrs. Hall, proof that Ilan is straight!