“Top Chef” Product Placement Too Shameless and Not Shameless Enough

So claims Product Placement News:

First of all, the product was not used or included in any of the cooked meals. Needless to say, it was an inorganic product placement. Secondly, the product had too many camera shots, which made the placement blatantly obvious. Lastly, some critics felt strongly that the chefs were forced to drink Dr. Pepper. After all, true chefs are always after the flavor and meals/drinks without sugar just don’t fit the profile.

But Betty “Spice Rack” Fraser and a visibly uncomfortable Stephanie Izard sure fit the profile, right?

(You know, possums, now that we think about it, we’d totally watch a remake of Two Fat Ladies featuring Betty and Ariane. Wouldn’t you?)

“Little Chop of Horrors”: A Season 2 Update

Well, possums, Season 2 cheftestant Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser, the subject of perhaps our most controversial headline ever, is back in the news, and, as you can see from the photograph, the spice rack is still fully stocked. Indeed, the spice rack will be enjoying a larger cabinet, as Betty reports that she and her "restaurant partner Denise DeCarlo" have expanded their operations and opened a new restaurant, The Fountain Court. Betty has apparently also been approached by, er, boob-tube producers and is "actively pursuing a couple of show ideas."

In a discussion of sexism in the professional kitchen, Betty says, "[W]hen I was on Top Chef one of the contestants, Elia [Aboumrad], was trained in France and she told us horror stories about how some of the male chefs would try to sabotage her. All I can say is, don’t forget boys that it was your mother who fed you!"

Love the allusion to the spice rack, Betty!

And funny you should mention classically French-trained, headshaving, Britney-Spears-avant-la-lettre Mexican socialite cum chef, Elia Aboumrad, for we have just come across the most delicious and intriguing rumor.

In January of last year, in an interview she did with Chow.com, Elia and interviewer Joyce Slaton had this tantalizing exchange:

Joyce Slaton: One thing I’m curious about—are you back working at Mandalay Bay now?

Elia Aboumrad: I am, yes.

JS: And what made you go from working with Joel Robuchon in Vegas to working at Mandalay Bay? It seems like, on the face of it, it seems sort of like a step backwards.

EA: It does.

JS: It does?

EA: I cannot talk about this too much, ‘cause I was not, I’m not allowed by MGM Grand.

JS: Oh wow.

EA: But I was transferred here to upscale the service and the food of Mandalay Bay and the tower and the hotel and all of room service, hospitality and the café. I can’t really say any details about it.

JS: There’s a story in there somewhere, but I hear we’re not going to get it.

So imagine, possums, how intrigued we were when we came across this story on Monday in The Vegas Eye (the story has now, mysteriously, disappeared from their website, but Google had cached it, and hence the screencap).
















Fascinating, n'est-ce pas, possums? It seems that, even if it's fresh when it's thrown, fish rots from the head.

Breaking News: Josie Smith-Malave Attacked, Gaybashed, Spat On

For once, possums, we don't have a snarky thing to say.

Josie Smith-Malave, the cooking world's most affable lesbian (sorry, Sandee Birdsong, you're a close second; and Tiffani Faison, you're a brilliant cook, but affable, not so much), was reportedly attacked over the weekend on Ilan Hall's native soil, Long Island.

According to a report, Josie "was among a small group of women asked to leave a Sea Cliff, Long Island[,] bar over Labor Day weekend," after which "about 10 young people followed the women out and began screaming anti-gay slurs, spitting on them and beating them....[T]he women, who were on Long Island to attend a friend's birthday party, suffered bruises, and one received injuries to her head. One of them had a camera taken in the attack."

Our best wishes go out to Josie and her friends, and we hope authorities (or lesbian avenger Jodie Foster in The Brave One) get the fuckers.

"Alien v. Predator" Finally Has a Worthy Sequel: Spice Rack to Take On the Jowly Green Giant

That's the scoop that our pal Lesley of Eater LA brings us. On Sunday, October 14, in Los Angeles, California, Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser will go funbags to (smaller) funbag with CJ "Jowly Green Giant" Jacobson in a cook-off.

CJ, possum, you'd best be careful. You may have survived Arianna Huffington, but Spice Rack is a real ball-buster, a giant-killer.

"Hell, she's a man-eater," Miss XaXa concurred. "Just look at that picture. It looks like she's eating CJ's remaining..."

"Now, now," we hastened to interject. And with good reason, for Lesley has another scoop up her sleeve (she could work at Baskin-Robbins). But don't click unless you want to view an extremely plausible spoiler alert about the finale.

For those of you who don't care, go fish.

Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser Munches (Hors D'Oeuvres, Of Course) at Bravo West Hollywood Gay Soirée

We were petting our teacup kitten this morning as we gazed at pictures of a shirtless Matthew McConaughey on TMZ.com, and a few more keystrokes took us to today's entry by the Little Beau Pepys of the Internets--Bravo VP, boy reporter, and bloggervardier extraordinaire, Raggaydy Andy Cohen. And possums, just look at what we found:

I had to run out to go to an event at the Abbey sponsored by Out@nbcu, the companywide gay organization. "Work Out" supertrainersuperstar Jackie Warner was going to be there and I had (sadly) cancelled on training with her earlier in the day and needed a hit of her before I split town.

Little did I know when I walked in that Top Chef 2's Bada-Bing Betty would be in attendance, no less in a white knit cap. I love me some of that Betty so I always like running into her. Betty reports that she is still in touch with most of the chefs from her season, especially Elia and Ilan. Her business at Grub is booming and she is best pals with her ex hubby. Bada Bing is on top of her game.

We were shocked--shocked!--that Elia Aboumrad and Ilan Hall are the two people with whom she is closest. We were as shocked as Raggaydy Andy that Betty was sporting a white knit cap. We were shocked that "she is best pals with her ex hubby." Not, of course, because she has an ex hubby to begin with, but, rather, because on her Bravo photo diary she had identified the woman at left as "Jill[,] [m]y breast/best friend!" Were we shocked that Betty--who shares the name of a band that saddled The L Word with perhaps the worst opening theme in television history--appeared in the gay epicenter of the gayest of cities at an event sponsored by the NBC Universal gay organization? Not so much.

Amuse-Biatch Relapse

Possums, we’re afraid that a solid week of sweetness and light was simply too much for us. The strain of having to say so many nice things so often and in such a short period of time simply took us over the edge. (And to those of you who wrote to complain that we weren’t saying anything nice at all, that it was all thinly veiled sarcasm and left-handed compliments, we say, with troubled mien, “O ye of little faith!”)

So yesterday morning we made a run for it. We broke out of the Rainbow Springs Gayhab facility through the window and high-tailed it to the nearest IHOP and ordered ourselves the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n’ Fruity, the absolute gayest thing we could find. Then we watched the Oscars, and that was truly our downfall.

And the moment when Melissa Etheridge accepted the Oscar for Best Original Song from Queen Latifah and Queen Lottafat (sorry, John Travolta), with Ellen DeGeneres still onstage—well, so much concentrated gayness simply overwhelmed our neurons, and the careful conditioning of Rainbow Springs went out the window, too. We began playing “Spot the Lesbian” (Jodie, possum, those shoulders!) Our every extremity began to tingle when Jennifer Hudson outsang and outracked Beyoncé (heck, she could outrack Betty “Spice Rack” Fraser). We got verklempft when Marty won for Best Director.

That’s it, possums. We’re never going back to Rainbow Springs. If they want to take us back, it will take more than butterfly nets. They’ll have to take us out feet first, and in a gold lamé “straight jacket.” Sorry, Teacup Kitten and company. And hey, hey, possums, the Amuse-Biatch is back.

Amuse-Biatch Shares Its "VD" with You -- Valentine's Day, That Is

Normally, we hate Valentine's Day, mostly because of all the people who say "ValentiMe's Day." However, this year is different, because we got a Valentine's Day card from reader Dianna, and we are only too happy to share it with you. And look, Mrs. Hall, proof that Ilan is straight!

Amuse-Biatch Cocks Its Eyebrow as "Top Chef" Contestants Discuss Female Curves and Swollen Appendages

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Rob, ahem, Baedeker of Forbes Traveler, brings us an article on the most romantic restaurants in America, as picked by contestants from both seasons of Top Chef, and in which the contestants provide food for thought on the subjects of romance, sexiness, and Annie Oakley's trigger finger.

As always, we bring you the cherce bits, seasoned with our gratuitous commentary.

“I’m a sucker for a sunset,” says Harold Dieterle, winner of "Top Chef" season one. And to soak up the day’s last rays over a romantic meal he recommends The Beacon restaurant in Sag Harbor, New York. Dieterle warms to this venue’s top-notch cuisine, “rustic” ambience and magnificent view of the harbor. For even more rustic charm he recommends the Saddleridge Restaurant in Beaver Creek, Colorado, where “old-school Western antiques” like Annie Oakley’s gun lend a meal the romance of the frontier.

Um, we love you, Harold, and you may, indeed, be one of the coolest straight men we've ever encountered, but taking a woman on Valentine's Day to a place named Sag Harbor or Beaver Creek seems a little cruel (should I get plastic surgery?) or overeager (is that all you think about, wading in my beaver creek?). And Annie Oakley? Totally a dyke. Just ask Calamity Jane.

Unblushingly, though not surprisingly, Marisa Churchill favors "finger foods" from, er, The Slanted Door.

Stephen Asprinio, winner of the Duh Award, and amusingly described as a "young chef-entrepreneur" (what, is "sommelier" no longer every other word he utters?), preaches the importance of sexiness. “This sexiness can be expressed through a multitude of design elements, such as a chair shaped to resemble the curves of the female body, or captivating color schemes within a particular décor.” Dude, that's the gayest thing we've heard since Ilan last opened his mouth to talk about his girlfriend. On the other hand, we might be wrong, and it might be the case that straight men consider "captivating color schemes" and think of an Eames chair as a metonymic vagina.

Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser tries to make a sexy pun that falls flat, if you will, telling us that a Valentine's Day meal should include “bold flavors that will excite, if you will, the taste buds....”

Andrea Beaman argues for a Valentine’s Day meal, since “[o]ver-seasoned food can make the diners retain water, and swollen hands, feet and eyes are not conducive to romance....” We can, however, think of other swollen appendages that are conducive to romance.

Bruni-lleschi Breaks "Dome" of Silence Over "Top Chef" Finale

The New York Times' chief restaurant critic, Frank Bruni, is not one to leave his fans salivating for more of his purple prose stylings. And so, after yesterday's eyebrow-raising take on Top Chef (it's really about the food! ha!), he chimes in with his thoughts on last night's finale. As always, the cherce bits:

Could the phrase “Kenmore Pro Kitchen” have been used more frequently during the course of this season? Talk about a fruitful sponsorship deal! I think the whole situation plummeted to its nadir when the chef Tom Colicchio, addressing the final two contestants, worked the phrase into his comments.

...

Ilan’s selection of braised short ribs as one of the five courses in his big meal was disappointing. I love braised short ribs, but at last count, they were on 109,451 menus. And that’s in Manhattan alone.

I have to wonder how hard Marcel’s comrades worked on his behalf. It was clear that Betty and Elia were much more invested in Ilan, whom they were helping, than Sam and Michael were invested in Marcel, who chose them to stand and work at his side. Sam’s comments to the camera about the things that went wrong as Marcel prepared his last supper (for now) had a bit too much glee in them.

The arithmetic I did as the judges assessed each of the final two contenders’ five courses didn’t add up clearly to an Ilan victory. The way I heard the judges, Marcel’s first course trumped Ilan’s. Ilan’s second course trumped Marcel’s. Their third courses were a tie. Marcel won the fourth round, and the fifth — well, the diners who ate the meals didn’t make their preferences immediately clear.

That’s two for Marcel, one for Ilan and two in doubt, though, at the end, the judges seemed to tip that fifth course, dessert, in Ilan’s favor.

So why did Ilan come out on top?

NBC Universal Family Turns On Itself Like Jim Carrey Hitting Himself in "Liar, Liar"

In a a surprising move reminiscent of Jim Carrey hitting himself in Liar, Liar (a Universal Pictures production), MSNBC, a subsidiary of NBC Universal, the parent company of Bravo, published a scathing online article today about Top Chef. You can read the article here, but we include some cherce bits for your delectation:

A hairy situation
The defining moment of the season came a few weeks ago when some of the remaining five competitors decided, after a night of drinking, to shave their own heads, and then shave Marcel's. At least, that's what viewers saw. After Ilan and Elia shaved their heads, Cliff woke Marcel, and as Ilan cheered him on, wrestled Marcel to the ground and held him in a headlock. As a result, Cliff was sent home for violating the show's rules.

That wasn't quite what happened, however. Careful viewers noticed that, in one of those scenes, Elia still had all of her hair, and was on the floor laughing as Marcel angrily stormed off. In other words, she and Ilan shaved their heads only after their attempted hazing of Marcel went awry. Editing the scene out of order seemed designed to protect the show's integrity, which was waning episode by episode as interpersonal conflict took over.

After the incident, the producers refused to allow head judge Colicchio to dismiss all four participants, like he wanted to do, and thus let Marcel win the competition by default. On his BravoTV.com blog, Tom wrote that "[p]roducers stepped in with a veto. Sending all of the chefs but Marcel home wasn't going to happen."

Of course, the departure of those four contestants would have prematurely ended the series on a low note. But it would have also been a fitting note, as the competition and cooking often fell away in favor of "Real World"-style immaturity and unnecessary drama packed with deceptive editing.

Less about food, more about drama
In its second season, "Top Chef" became more of a soap opera set on a reality show than a competition about cooking. Otto quit the competition after admitting to have taken food from a store that his team didn't pay for, although he did return it. Mia quit to save Elia from elimination. Michael used his budget for one challenge to buy beer for himself. All the chefs were spared elimination but put on probation after accusations of cheating during a challenge. Cliff was sent home for his part in hazing Marcel. Betty fought with Marcel. Frank fought with Marcel. Ilan screamed at Marcel. Elia accused Marcel of cheating but offered no evidence.

First Reaction: Good Sports, Bad Sports, and Water Sports

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New York Times' Frank Bruni Spills Purple-Prosed Foam of Love All Over "Top Chef"

We know, possums, we know.

Our hypocritical hubris in referring to the prose stylings of New York Times food critic Frank Bruni as "purple" has no doubt resulted in a thunderbolt coming from the general direction of Mt. Olympus to strike us dead. Well, "arse" longa, vita brevis.

So, yes, in today's Food Section of the Times, Bruno (it's so unfair to refer to him by the plural, "Bruni," since he lost all that weight) tackles the phenomenon that is Top Chef, in the process making the Bravo execs at 30 Rock very, very happy.

Here, then, the cherce bits:

Marcel Vigneron’s self-love is as garish and repellent as his winged hairdo, which looks like an attempt to evoke “The Flying Nun” without a headdress or a habit.

Only in contrast does Ilan Hall seem humble and winsome. Don’t be duped. In this season’s first episode he flatly declared, “I want to be famous.” And as he inched ever closer to his goal, he sometimes regarded his adversaries with a look of unalloyed contempt.

...

For all its generically hyped-up drama, cheesy gimmickry and abject fealty to the tropes of reality television, “Top Chef” really is about cooking: what goes into it; what comes out of it; what reliably succeeds in the kitchen and on the plate; what predictably doesn’t.

...

“Top Chef” came into its own this season, its second, as it found a kind of traction that many other cooking-related shows — a bloated field at this point — haven’t.

Its contestants and judges wound up in gossip columns. Its twists and turns fueled chatter on the Internet, including the possible disclosure of the victor in tonight’s episode, which was taped a while back. Its ratings rose to an average of nearly two million viewers a week, according to Bravo, and that number put it well ahead of the second season of “Project Runway,” Bravo’s runaway reality hit, which will embark on its fourth season this year.

The reasons are many and varied. “Top Chef” did a deft job assembling a racially and ethnically diverse cast of characters, a shrunken high school in which every clique had a representative. There was the peevish whistleblower (Marisa), the priggish A student (Elia), the good-time blonde (Betty), the disheveled slacker (Michael), the laconic hunk (Sam), the trash-talking spitfire (Mia).

“Top Chef” offers the reliable, although perhaps not always intentional, hilarity of its blunt product endorsements and of its host, Padma Lakshmi, a k a Mrs. Salman Rushdie, a model-turned-actress whose epicurean musings are less riveting than her sluggish, mouth-full-of-molasses style of speech and strenuously come-hither poses.

As she makes her costume changes you can almost read her thoughts: “Does this skirt go with hamachi?” “Is this too much cleavage for a chicken liver canapé?”

Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser Now Certifiably a Whore

Back in December, we quoted from a profile of Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser in the LA Independent, in which Spice Rack discussed her acting career before becoming a chef, including her stint as "a 'hooker with a heart of gold' on the 1980s television 'Wolf.'" Curious about Spice Rack's role on Wolf, we turned to the Internet Movie Data Base (IMBD) and other similar websites, but found no record of her Wolf gig.

Now, let's be clear about something. Contrary to what some readers seemed to believe, we never insinuated that Spice Rack was lying about the gig. The fact that her role on Wolf didn't appear on IMDB was not conclusive; just because a tree doesn't make a sound on IMDB doesn't mean it never fell. As we were reminded, IMDB is notoriously spotty, and Wolf wasn't exactly a top-caliber show attracting careful scholars and archivists.

However, we just received news from a reader that IMDB has woken up to its spottiness, and now Spice Rack is recognized for her role as "A Prostitute" on Wolf. Mind you, IMDB misspells her name as Betty Frasier, and lists the Wolf gig as "Frasier"'s only credit, but it's the thought that counts. As Betty Fraser, Spice Rack has two credits, for playing herself on one episode of Top Chef (which rather begs the question, Just what was she playing the rest of the time?), and for playing "Chef" on Holiday Home Invasion in 2005. Does anyone know anything about this?

But for all of you who wondered, the matter is now, er, laid to rest. According to IMDB, Spice Rack, who is scheduled to return in tonight's finale, was, indeed, a whore.

Sphinx-Like Guest Chef Anthony Bourdain Breaks His Silence on "Top Chef" Contestants

Retiring, soft-spoken guest judge Anthony Bourdain, guest-blogging on Michael Ruhlman's blog, finally takes a timid sip of sherry and dares to pipe up ever so gently about what he thinks of the Top Chef contestants. You can read the entire thing here, but we have provided the cherce bits for you below:

On Elia Aboumrad:

Chef material? Not just yet. Why not? Her insistence on making everything to order "a la minute" during the "Hollywood cocktail party" was a really bush league move. And the "I quit" business--same episode.( Leaving the line for emotional reasons--unforgivable in a professional kitchen). Everybody who's ever done a volume passed hors d'oeuvre party knows from painful experience that you have to make compromises. (half cook that shit in advance!) Drunks want food fast. They want it hot. They want it NOW!

On Michael "Beer Bong" Midgley:

Let this guy run a kitchen and the food and booze would be running out the back door with his cooks--who he'd probably be drinking with. That said? I love this kid. There would have been a place for him in nearly every kitchen I ever ran. Probably the grill. (Don't let this Manimal NEAR saute!!)

On Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser:

Forget about. Very limited skills--and it showed.

On Cliff Crooks:

VERY solid cook. And will definitely be a solid chef as well. He crossed the line Big Time with the Marcel incident and he knew it. He deserved to get canned, would have been canned--and surely sued--in any professional situation where he behaved similarly. Period.

On our chulo chef, Carlos Fernandez, whom he (unintentionally?) dubs "Alex":

Nice guy. And back in the minor leagues--where he should have stayed.

On Sam Talbot:

Probably the closest thing to Chef material this season--with the most chefly demeanor and attitude (generally speaking).

On Marcel Vigneron:

But his Chef potential? Presently zero. You have to get along with the people you work with--and I can't imagine this guy "working with others" over time. He's petty, vindictive, immature, a loudmouth, not a team player by any stretch of the imagination.

On Ilan Hall:

Okay: So Ilan cribs his offerings shamelessly from Andy Nusser. And he's a manipulative, conspiratorial, vindictive, weasely little shit....(Hardly impediments to a career as a chef). These are classic assets. If Ilan has a fatal flaw, it's that he let Marcel get up his nose so easily and predictably. And that when he (again and again) conspired to sabotage or screw over his enemy--either directly or through surrogates, he was both obviously behind it--his fingerprints all over the place, and worse--FAR worse-- unsuccessful!


On THE INCIDENT:

I agree with those who suggest that it would have been fair if EVERYBODY involved in the "full-Nelson incident" had been kicked off the show. The event reflected most poorly on Ilan. Who came off as an instigator--and a weasel. It would have been appropriate for him to have stepped up and thrown himself on his sword when Cliff got canned. Wouldn't (and shouldn't) have saved Cliff--but it would have been the Right Thing to do. Instead, he behaved like a punk and let the black man take the fall. It was sickening to see him stand silently by while Cliff took the full freight. Notice that Cliff kept his mouth shut, blamed no one else, took his jolt like a man.

Update:

Bourdain has now posted this in response to some of the comments on his post on Ruhlman's blog:

An earlier response disappeared into the ether, but I'd like to add that Marcel deserves a lot of respect for simply having the strength to hang in there--in the face of relentless, naked hostility. It's an admirable character trait that will serve him well in the business. I'll stress again that he clearly deserves to be in the top two. Bottom line for me was: Do I want to eat his food? And: Would I ever want to hire the guy? I base my judgements/opinions, btw, solely on close viewing of every episode, on nearly 30 years as a chef/manager/employer and ONLY one day as an actual judge who ate the contestants' food. Fair comment above. And it was "Carlos" NOT "Alex". Apologies to the departed.

Amuse-Biatch Is Just Sayin': Ambiguously Gay Duos

With two exceptions, these photographs are all from the treasure trove of the cheftestants' Bravo photo diaries. Again, captions in quotes were presumably written by the cheftestants themselves. Any reading you give to the photographs and/or captions, possums, are between your conscience and Jacques Lacan. Tend to your entendres (double or nothing) on your own.















"My friend, Ryan, and I
Hanging at Underbar."

























"Vita Prep
Posing with the Vita prep."



















"With my Woman
My girlfriend, Carolina."














"Not sure what's going on in here."















"I love these guys!"
















"Jill and I
My breast/best friend!"

















"Me and Hedy
Hedy runs our kitchen at Grub. She's a very strong and talented woman."















"John and I
John is a professional organizer whom I've known for 25 years. He organized my life."

Amuse-Biatch Investigates: Elia Aboumrad Firm Believer in Hippocracy & Literacy

With thanks to reader Virginia, who in sending this to us reminds us that there really is a Santa Claus, here is a photo of our Elia Aboumrad reading in bed, accompanied by what Virginia figures to be "a stuffed heepo."

Virginia, we definitely gave a woolf-whistle to see Elia spending the hours reading in what, now that Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser is gone, is a room of her own. We still can't tell what the title of the book is. Is she reading the Michelin Guide? Like us, does she find le guide rouge more pornographic than any bodice-ripper? Perhaps it's simply her diary. After all, as Oscar Wilde put it, "I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."

Or, in the case of Top Chef, to read in the bus off which, or under which, everyone is always getting thrown.

At any rate, Google Perv, knock yourself out.

Elia Aboumrad: Boys Do Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses

And we don't mean just Ilan "Goldilocks" Hall. (Which, since we're feeling a little scatter-brained this morning, makes us ask: When two people who wear glasses kiss, do they clink glasses, as if making a toast?)

Google Perv, who comes to Amuse-Biatch de temps en temps after Googling "Elia Aboumrad Bikini Shot," is not the only one to have a yen for her yin. And who can blame him or her?

The bitch has better skin than Shiloh Pitt-Jolie. (Or is it Jolie-Pitt, as for Zahara and Maddox? Goodness knows we're not Doctor Spock, but it seems to us that raising a girl surnamed Jolie-Pitt is asking for a teenage slut in a decade or so; you might as well make "Plan B" her middle name. As the Spanish proverb might put it, "Cría curvas, y te sacarán los ojos, pero de sus órbitas.") As we have seen from her yoga workouts, she is quite, quite flexible. Leaving aside all the G.I. Jane/V for Vendetta talk floating around about the rest of the season, we also admire her springy, Salome-temptress curls.

And then there's the accent. As Padma Lakshmi herself says, "Sometimes I ask her questions just to hear her talk." We can well imagine some perv in the linguistics department of a state university being aroused by the idea of hearing her say, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," or mulling the fantasy of feeding her not cherries and chocolate, but tongue twisters ("Peetair Pipair peeked a peck oaf peekold peppairs...").

But it was only while watching this week's episode again that we discovered what we find sexiest about Elia. The beginning of the show finds her lying in bed, sporting a pinkish tank top, and sighing attractively. However, it wasn't her heaving bosom that caught our eye. No, it was the fact that she was reading a book.

We admit that we have a thing for people with brains. (The dirtiest, sexiest, most titillating thing a boy has ever said to us? "Hold on a second, I've got the OED right here.")

Our curiosity was whetted (no need to double-check the spelling there). What was that red book so enticingly open in her hands? Was it the Michelin guide? Does she read le guide rouge because it is more pornographic than any bodice-ripper, just as we do? Is that why she was sighing, and not because Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser was gone?

So, possums, if any of you has a screencap of Elia in bed reading, send it in. If you are able to identify the book she was reading, let us know. And most importantly, what is that stuffed animal keeping her company in her tank-topped reverie? Though we were faithful watchers of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, we were unable to identify it. Was it a donkey (maybe even the donkey from Shrek)? Was it a platypus? Inquiring, dirty minds want to know.

Padma Lakshmi: Mistress of Spice Racks

Now, this photograph (which we find strangely...stirring...must resist...must not...ooh, look at how artfully that tendril of hair is arranged over her left breast...and look at how fabulous her shopping basket is...oh good, we're back to ourselves) isn't just an excuse for us to make another Spice Rack joke now that Betty Fraser, our original Spice Rack, is gone from the show.

(Watching last week's episode again, we wondered what the show's editors are going to do for reaction shots now that Spice Rack is not around to telegraph every emotion and plot point. Whenever a reaction to any of Padma's pronouncements and proclamations about challenges was called for--wide-eyed glee, frowning concern, brow-furrowing suspense--Betty was there to provide it. It was like watching Derek Zoolander trying to channel Lillian Gish.)

Padma actually did play a role in the screen version of Mistress of Spices, the novel by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. As has often been the case with Padma's film projects, the critics were not kind (though, in all fairness, her work in this film wasn't mentioned):

From the New York Times: "Imagine Alfonso Arau's Like Water for Chocolate without the passion. Imagine Lasse Hallstrom's Chocolat if the chocolates that Juliette Binoche was selling became angry with her....This is a one-dimensional, sometimes illogical film, but it's certainly good-looking....the photography often looks like an enticing food-magazine layout."

From Variety: "Beautiful but lifeless, poetic but unelevated...."

According to IMDB, one of the movie's subplots involves "a man (Anupam Kher) who is distressed over his granddaughter (Padma Lakshmi), a woman who has grown up in America and adopted western [sic] ways, much to his dismay." Have any of you, gentle possums, seen the film? Was Padma, a woman who has grown up in America and adopted Western ways, good in the part of a woman who has grown up in America and adopted western ways? Let us know.

Padma Lakshmi's Alliterative Assault on Spice Rack?

"Also the savory and sweet layering of Sam's flavors [during the Quickfire Challenge] was more sumptuous and inviting bite after bite than Betty's green grub. Betty lost sight of the taste, the presentaion [sic], everything. I know it's only half an hour, but so? Her competitors came up with much more interesting, and delicious and adventurous plates."

We wonder, is it merely coincidence that Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser's restaurant is called Grub?

Betty Fraser: The 'Rack' is Stacked and Packed

Or, as Siskel & Ebert used to say, perhaps in reference to Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser's battery of keyhole tops and decollete blouses, the balcony is closed.

As happy as we were to be 'name-checked,' albeit indirectly, in her Sirius interview with Larry Flick yesterday (and we thought that the fact she was going to be interviewed at all was an indication that she would be sent packing that very night), we were quite dissatisfied with one aspect of the interview. Larry Flick never asked, and we never found out the answer to, the question we have been brooding on for ages: Does she crunch or does she munch? With her combination of stevedore and 'bar wench' (her words, ladies), we thought she would make a wonderful addition to the cast of The L Word, but, aLas, we wiLL never know.

Though she is gone, her influence will live on, as was evident last night. When, at the fixtures store and with the largest crowd possible (for purposes of maximum impact), Sam Talbot went all Sicilian on Marcel's ass (see? we told you he was Keyser Soze), the one thing that struck us and had us a-cackle was his use of the word "gnat" to describe Marcel.

Let's see, where had we heard that before? Oh yes, from Spice Rack herself during the TGIFriday's challenge in the fire station. Let's face it, whatever his virtues, Sammy the Sicilian isn't nearly clever enough to come up with "gnat." If we remember aright, during his last attempt at shit-stirring, trying to get fellow Sicilian Frankie the Bull to beat Marcel so badly his own mother wouldn't recognize him, the best ole Sammy could come up with was "kid," i.e., "if that kid was my room mate, etc." So next time you hear the word "gnat" being thrown at Marcel, remember the Spice Rack.