With Friends Like These: Amuse-Biatch Presents the New Obama Girl

Photoessay: “If I Keep My Head Down, Maybe He’ll Go Away; Besides, I Already Look Like I Shaved My Head, and Bisexual Hung Has a Full Head of Hair”

A Woman Stands Between You and Harold Dieterle's Meat Balls

Her name is Alicia Nosenzo, and, as Eater tells us, possums, she's Harold's business partner, and the woman who guards the reservation gates at Harold's restaurant, Perilla.

Nosenzo confirms what we might have expected: "There’s definitely some young women who come in who have crushes on Harold."

And the other side of obsessive, unrequited crushes?: "Some people come and are really critical, like they’re judges on Top Chef. We are always happy to hear when someone comes in with low expectations and we are able to greatly exceed them." Spoken like a true no-Nosenzo woman.

Lalalina Goes LaLa, Top Chef Sperm for Sale, STDs, and Other Secrets of Reality TV

Possums, the claws are out.

Just in time for lunch, and hot off the presses, is this cover story in New York Magazine about Bravo's reality tv programs, including, of course, Top Chef.

Among the dishy, Top Chef-related delights:

* At breakfast one morning a few weeks ago, Ilan Hall, the appealing winner of this past season’s Top Chef, confessed that he and his old girlfriend also split after the show. “She thinks it’s because women were coming up to me after the show,” he said. “Which happens. But it had nothing to do with it.”

* [Contestants] can’t even have sex with one another to pass the time. (An STD could result in a lawsuit—unlike hookup reality shows, the contestants aren’t tested beforehand for communicable diseases.)

* Sam [Talbot] had been in the running for The Bachelor.

* Like Michael Midgley, for example. “Mikey,” says Colicchio. “In the beginning, I was complaining, ‘What is this guy doing here?’ And the producers were saying, ‘Yeah, but wouldn’t it be great if he really could cook?’ And I’d say, ‘Yeah, it would be great. But he can’t.’ ”

* Yet back at Perilla, I discover that Harold has gotten plenty of invitations from non-foodies for his services, like the e-mail he recently got from a woman in her mid-forties from the Midwest. “She basically asked straight up if she could purchase some of my … DNA, I guess. Some seedlings,” he says. “That was awkward. I mentioned it to the fellow who helps me with specific events and stuff, and he was like, Oh my God, that’s the greatest idea ever! We’re gonna put it right on eBay!”

Read the full story for all the gory details, especially if you're a fan of Project Runway, though be sure to have a drink in hand, as some of the details are bound to make you sad.

Harold Dieterle Fatally Ignores Tim Gunn's Injunction, "Don't Bore BruNina"

Oh, possums, just as contestants on Project Runway live with the tattoo-beat of fear throbbing from Tim Gunn's flaming-sword injunction, "Don't bore Nina [Garcia of Elle]," so, it seems, must Top Chef winners who actually manage to open a restaurant live in fear of boring New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni, whom we might as well call BruNina.

BruNina's one-star review of Harold's restaurant, Perilla, is studded with bits of critical gristle, backhand-compliment adjectives that make clear the critic's displeasure: "agreeable," "soothing," "unassuming," "undemanding," "primness," "more like the dutiful flourishes of a studiously conscientious tradesman than the inspirations of an artist letting his imagination roam" (ouch!), "retiring," "vapid," "cautious," "focus group," and "safe[...] path."

BruNina laments that "[Harold's] packed restaurant is a result of his fame on the small screen. That’s reality television for you — it scrambles cause and effect, defying the laws of celebrity physics." Further, though on two occasions at Perilla, BruNina caught sight of famous chefs Wylie Dufresne and Marco Canora, "On neither of those occasions did [he] lay eyes on Harold Dieterle....And this dichotomy — the conspicuous presence of his curious peers, the behind-the-curtain invisibility of the man himself — says a lot about Perilla’s odd genesis and how he has responded to it."

Which made us think that Frank Bruni is one of those Gays who didn't much care for the ending of The Wizard of Oz.

Persnickety BruNina also brings up Harold's "reluctance to hold court in his restaurant, as other chefs do in theirs," which prompted Miss XaXa to ask, "Doesn't it sound like BruNina just wanted Harold's autograph?"

Oh, Harold, to think that a signed napkin or 8 x 10 might have gotten you that extra star.

Shiso Fine?: West Babylon Chef Prepares to Face New York Times Nebuchadnezzar

In the latest installment of its weekly BruniBetting feature, Eater reminds us that it is white-knuckle time at 9 Jones St. in New York, site of Top Chef Harold Dieterle's restaurant, Perilla (the moniker is the English name for the Japanese herb shiso).

Frank Bruni, the notoriously prolix and toothsomely purple prose stylist who serves as the feared restaurant critic for the New York Times, will reveal tonight (in tomorrow's edition of the paper) just what he thinks of Perilla.

Since Bruni, gaypo di gaypi of the Gay & Foodie Mafias, can make or break a restaurant with a madcap, stylistically belabored critique, such reviews are anticipated and feared in equal measure. Eater is betting that the West Babylon, Long Island, top chef will get his coveted two stars from Bruni.

Alas, tomorrow night's special, momentum-interrupting, give-us-another-week-to-tweak-and-pump-up-the-remaining-episodes edition of "Watch What Happens," hosted by Raggaydy Andy, will not be live, and so we won't get to see Harold glowing or scowling (at least not about the review).

Long Island Tease: Ilan Hall's Mother's Employer Would Have You Believe Geography Is Destiny

Listen up, possums.

Newsday, the Long Island, New York, newspaper that employs Ilan Hall's mother, has a little civic-pride theory: In order to win Top Chef, you have to be from Long Island.

Or, perhaps more defensibly, Long Island is the cradle of top chefs, as opposed to suburban ennui, caricatured accents, Rosie O'Donnell, and higher incidences of cancer.

The newspaper notes that Long Island is "two-for-two" as regards Top Chef wins, "what with Harold Dieterle of West Babylon and Ilan Hall of Great Neck" having taken the title in the first and second seasons, respectively (and don't they sound like knights?).

Those Long Island towns certainly seem to have great names, so we were a tad disappointed when informed that Joey Paulino--who, by Newsday's logic, should rightfully be the next Top Chef winner--hails not from the hamlet of No Neck, but, rather, from some place called Franklin Square.

We suppose, then, that it doesn't look good for Hung Huynh of Pittsfield, Massachusetts, where, aptly enough, Moby-Dick was written.

Über-Biatch Alan Richman Gives Harold Dieterle a Thumbs Up, Sits in Sarah Jessica Parker's Booth, Calls Anthony Bourdain a “Scoundrel”

If there's a bigger biatch than Alan Richman in the world of restaurant critics, we're not sure we'd like to meet him or her. Frank Bruni has nothing on him, possums.

And yet, miracle of miracles, Richman has just given Harold Dieterle's restaurant, Perilla, a rather good review: "fabulous is going too far, but there is little not to like about this pleasant, understated restaurant."

Mind you, the review is not entirely free of biatchiness--Richman doesn't like the lighting, which he calls "assertive," doesn't like the fabric upholstering the booths, and snarks about how Harold wouldn't come out to greet him though he did come out for Anthony Bourdain and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Still, as he says, "Dieterle can cook. He has technique and instincts." That's high praise from anyone, but especially from the Über-Biatch himself. Congratulations, Harold.

Top Chef Harold Dieterle Yearns for Amy's Buns

In a lobster roll, that is, possums.

Describing his dream picnic to Forbes, Harold opted for Prospect Park, Brooklyn, and in addition to that lobster roll--''only if it's on an Amy's bun"--the D-man has a thing for Kettle chips.

Alas, no martinis for Harold. He's a g&t man, a man after our Beefeatin' hearts.

Top Chef and Adjudged "Top Chef" Winner Dish It Out

Alas, possums, if you were hoping this post would be about a quasi-sexual fantasy involving Top Chef Harold Dieterle, adjudged Top Chef winner Ilan Hall, and the rattan chair and whip from Casino Royale, you will be sorely disappointed.

Instead, we wanted to note that the charming and no-nonsense Harold, whose new restaurant, Perilla, is slated to open very, very soon, was featured at the Food and Wine Best New Chefs Showcase. As per Bravo blogger and boy reporter extraordinaire Raggaydy Andy Cohen, other Top Chef alumni in attendance were Ilan Hall, Josie Malave-Smith, Sam Talbot, and Season One's Andrea Beaman and Miguel Morales. Our haughty, lynx-like, Canadian schoolmistress pinup Gail Simmons (when we're feeling a little lezzie, we have fantasies of Gail in a culinary remake of Mädchen in Uniform) also was present.

So what was on the menu? Ilan "Mutton Dressed as Lamb" Hall ("What about 'Wolf in Sheep's Clothing' or 'Shorn Sheep'?" asks Miss XaXa) served "a fantastic lamb medley and Harold made some rock shrimp and mushroom with some Marcelian foam." Alas, no word from Raggaydy Andy as to what "Knock-Off King" Ilan was wearing.

Chat on a Plate: Harold Dieterle

Get your martinis (do we look like we give a damn whether shaken or stirred?), your electrical paddles and Eva Green (just so you don't get the wrong idea, these asides will make sense if you've seen Casino Royale), and join us, The Gals and Ms. Place for a live online chat with the original Top Chef himself, Harol Dieterle, at 7 p.m. Pacific / 10 p.m. Eastern.

Amuse-Biatch Cocks Its Eyebrow as "Top Chef" Contestants Discuss Female Curves and Swollen Appendages

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Rob, ahem, Baedeker of Forbes Traveler, brings us an article on the most romantic restaurants in America, as picked by contestants from both seasons of Top Chef, and in which the contestants provide food for thought on the subjects of romance, sexiness, and Annie Oakley's trigger finger.

As always, we bring you the cherce bits, seasoned with our gratuitous commentary.

“I’m a sucker for a sunset,” says Harold Dieterle, winner of "Top Chef" season one. And to soak up the day’s last rays over a romantic meal he recommends The Beacon restaurant in Sag Harbor, New York. Dieterle warms to this venue’s top-notch cuisine, “rustic” ambience and magnificent view of the harbor. For even more rustic charm he recommends the Saddleridge Restaurant in Beaver Creek, Colorado, where “old-school Western antiques” like Annie Oakley’s gun lend a meal the romance of the frontier.

Um, we love you, Harold, and you may, indeed, be one of the coolest straight men we've ever encountered, but taking a woman on Valentine's Day to a place named Sag Harbor or Beaver Creek seems a little cruel (should I get plastic surgery?) or overeager (is that all you think about, wading in my beaver creek?). And Annie Oakley? Totally a dyke. Just ask Calamity Jane.

Unblushingly, though not surprisingly, Marisa Churchill favors "finger foods" from, er, The Slanted Door.

Stephen Asprinio, winner of the Duh Award, and amusingly described as a "young chef-entrepreneur" (what, is "sommelier" no longer every other word he utters?), preaches the importance of sexiness. “This sexiness can be expressed through a multitude of design elements, such as a chair shaped to resemble the curves of the female body, or captivating color schemes within a particular décor.” Dude, that's the gayest thing we've heard since Ilan last opened his mouth to talk about his girlfriend. On the other hand, we might be wrong, and it might be the case that straight men consider "captivating color schemes" and think of an Eames chair as a metonymic vagina.

Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser tries to make a sexy pun that falls flat, if you will, telling us that a Valentine's Day meal should include “bold flavors that will excite, if you will, the taste buds....”

Andrea Beaman argues for a Valentine’s Day meal, since “[o]ver-seasoned food can make the diners retain water, and swollen hands, feet and eyes are not conducive to romance....” We can, however, think of other swollen appendages that are conducive to romance.