The Heterosexual Women of America Weep Blue-Cheese-and-Watermelon Tears as Sam Talbot Announces His Engagement

Yes, possums, it's true. Just as one fashion-world Colombian leaves the Bravo family, another comes in. In fact, as Miss XaXa points out, this might well be one of Newton's Laws. And so, as Nina Garcia leaves Bravo to follow Project Runway to Lifetime, People Magazine (yes, People!) has (exclusively!) received the announcement that inexplicable heterosexual heartthrob and diabetic elf Sam Talbot is marrying a Colombian named Paola Guerro. Or wait, is it Guerra? People seems (and people seem) to be confused.

At any rate, the not-for-much-longer señorita is, wait for it, a model and a teeshirt designer.

The groom and the bride are both 30, and met in Brazil. Though we have Google-imaged our little fingers to the bone, we've yet to come across a photo of the Talbot-described "stunning" bride.

The groom confides, "She takes care of me in many ways." Eeeew. Well, leave it to Sam Talbot to make love and Guerra.

Best of luck, kiddos.

Harold Dieterle Fatally Ignores Tim Gunn's Injunction, "Don't Bore BruNina"

Oh, possums, just as contestants on Project Runway live with the tattoo-beat of fear throbbing from Tim Gunn's flaming-sword injunction, "Don't bore Nina [Garcia of Elle]," so, it seems, must Top Chef winners who actually manage to open a restaurant live in fear of boring New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni, whom we might as well call BruNina.

BruNina's one-star review of Harold's restaurant, Perilla, is studded with bits of critical gristle, backhand-compliment adjectives that make clear the critic's displeasure: "agreeable," "soothing," "unassuming," "undemanding," "primness," "more like the dutiful flourishes of a studiously conscientious tradesman than the inspirations of an artist letting his imagination roam" (ouch!), "retiring," "vapid," "cautious," "focus group," and "safe[...] path."

BruNina laments that "[Harold's] packed restaurant is a result of his fame on the small screen. That’s reality television for you — it scrambles cause and effect, defying the laws of celebrity physics." Further, though on two occasions at Perilla, BruNina caught sight of famous chefs Wylie Dufresne and Marco Canora, "On neither of those occasions did [he] lay eyes on Harold Dieterle....And this dichotomy — the conspicuous presence of his curious peers, the behind-the-curtain invisibility of the man himself — says a lot about Perilla’s odd genesis and how he has responded to it."

Which made us think that Frank Bruni is one of those Gays who didn't much care for the ending of The Wizard of Oz.

Persnickety BruNina also brings up Harold's "reluctance to hold court in his restaurant, as other chefs do in theirs," which prompted Miss XaXa to ask, "Doesn't it sound like BruNina just wanted Harold's autograph?"

Oh, Harold, to think that a signed napkin or 8 x 10 might have gotten you that extra star.

Project Pontificate

So why did “Top Chef” finally hit its stride with the third episode of this season?

Well, at the risk of pontificating like Marcel, we have a theory. We think it’s because Episode Three saw the near-total “Project Runway”-fication of the show, and that’s a good thing.

If we’re honest, “Project Runway” has always had an inherent advantage over “Top Chef” (and no, we don’t mean the obvious ones like Tim Gunn and the Three Horsebitches of the Apocalypse, Heidi Klum, Michael Kors and Nina Garcia). Fashion design is inherently more visual, and thus telegenic, than cookery, which makes it perfect for a reality television competition. We’ve all got eyes, so we can all judge whether an outfit looks good, and this helps us become more involved as audience members.

Of course there’s a visual element to food, but as Gail reminded us this week, food is for eating. There’s no way we, lounging, as we do, in a moiré dressing-gown in our well-appointed sitting room at Withering Depths under our Boldini portrait, can judge how good any dish on “Top Chef” tastes. This means we simply cannot get as worked up about which untasted and untasteable dish tastes better and therefore should win. So yes, although “Top Chef” is a reality television competition about food, it’s not really about the food.

So what does that leave? Well, the competition part, which mean interpersonal drama, bitchery and hi-jinks galore, bien sûr. That’s what will make for entertainment, and that’s what we got in spades last night. That has been the complaint from some about the most recent season of “Project Runway,” and it appears to have migrated to “Top Chef.” So now we have a hostess best known for posing in bikinis and lingerie, challenges that involve shopping and budgets, and time limits, and sponsor-monikered tools and amenities (à la Macy’s Accessory Wall and Loreal Paris Make-up Room), delusional contestants who self-destruct à la Vincent Libretti (we mean you, Beer Bong, though Marcel might fit, too), and cheating scandalets (like pantalets and pantaloons, when it comes to scandal, we can conceive of scandalets and scandaloons). It may not be good eating, but it’s certainly good television. Watchin’ good in the neighborhood (yes, yes, our scullery maid has told us that’s not the TGIFriday’s slogan, but you catch our drift).

Defrosting the Hostess Cupcakes

As you may have noticed, despite our early posts on the subject, we haven't really discussed Padma Lakshmi's performance as hostess, now that we've actually seen it. There are two reasons for that, which we'll get to eventually. But keeping in mind the previous hostess, Katie Lee Joel, let's first do some comparisons, shall we?

Padma's age: 36 -- Katie Lee's age: 25.

Salman Rushdie's age: 59 -- Billy Joel's age: 57.

Age difference between Padma & Salman: 23 years.

Age difference between Katie Lee & Joel: 32 years.

Padma & Salman food-related quote:

"Get some green seedless grapes, take them off the stems and freeze them. They become like hard, little marbles. They're great to feed your lover in bed. You can imagine the rest. But use the green ones, not the red ones because the red ones stain the sheet. Just keep them in the fridge - you never know when a date is going to end up back at your place."

Katie Lee & Billy Joel food-related quote:

"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex?
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex."

Sorry, Katie Lee. The advantage goes to Padma. Not to be stingy, though, Miss XaXa does praise the smart little clutch in the picture at right, all the while questioning the whereabouts of her upper lip. Come to think of it, "Smart Little Clutch" might just be a good nickname for Katie Lee.

At any rate, back to Padma. We haven't said anything about her performance on the first episode because, frankly, what performance? It's almost as if she wasn't there. We can't remember much about her other than her impeccable shoes, yet another area where she outdoes poor Katie Lee. But for that very reason, we almost missed Katie Lee, and the opportunity to make catty comments about her uncanny resemblance to another Katie, Ms. Holmes, and about her aesthetic transformation from Junior League to War Bride Chic.

Say what you will about Heidi Klum (and we have much to say, especially about her heretofore unsuspected milkmaid's giggle at Jeffrey fart jokes), she is clearly in charge at "Project Runway." Of course, it may have more to do with her being a creator and producer of the show than with any Prussian propensity for taking charge, but she keeps her two tigers, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors, on a leash. (Apropos of nothing, we were reminded of the delicious putdown from last season's "Nip/Tuck": cold, jugmental, Michael Kors-wearing ass).

But we also haven't said anything precisely because it was Padma's first show. She says on her blog that she felt like the new kid at school, and we feel it's only fair to let her get her bearings. But the amnesty expires tomorrow at 10 p.m. After that, our motto is, Hey, Marcel, wanna see our knives?