Besos and Breakfast at Tiffani's?

Deep in our pal Lesley's in-depth Eater LA report on the American Wine & Food Fest in Los Angeles lies a little tidbit, buried like a bit of Cabrales inside a bacon-wrapped date, that caught our attention, a brief mention of possible Top Chef Sapphic love:

At the [Todd English at Olives] table was Chef Katie, who we're told might be an opening chef of Beso. Fun fact: She won PBS' Top Chef-like Cooking Under Fire, hosted by English. Katie's rumored to be dating Tiffany, Season 1 runner up of Top Chef. Tiffany spotted in crowd on Saturday. Full circle.

Now, possums, let's unpack this a little bit. First, in addition to hosting the PBS show, Todd English, the renowned and famously attractive chef from Boston, is one of the tasting judges on Wednesday's finale of Top Chef. Beso (which means "kiss" in Spanish) is the L.A. restaurant in which Eva Longoria is said to have some involvement. Katie is Katie Hagan-Whelchel, and Tiffani "I'm not your bitch, bitch" Faison needs no introduction to Top Chef fans.

Once upon a time, and a very long time it was, we were named an honorary lesbian, and at that time, we no doubt would already have been au courant. Alas, times have changed, and so we did a little work.

We turned, naturally, to Tiffani's MySpace page, and look what we found.

Tiffani lists herself as a lesbian (we remember her once calling herself a bisexual, and referring to a boyfriend with whom she made Krispy Kreme bread pudding, but we suppose she has seen the error of her ways), and lists herself as being "in a relationship." Very interesting.

One of her "top four" friends is "Katie," who looks an awful lot like Katie Hagan-Whelchel (KHW), and who, like KHW, hails from Louisville, Kentucky. And wouldn't you know it? "Katie" also lists herself as a lesbian and as being "in a relationship." And the self-same Katie left a message on Tiffani's page on September 14 that reads, "you are the sexiest rilla ever."

We very nearly blushed when we read that. It's so...well, sweet, and the thought of Tiffani happily in love tickles us pink. If Dale Levitski's theory of sex and food is correct, just think of how much better Tiffani's already superb cooking must be.

However.

There is one thing that worries. It's that "rilla" reference. We haven't the benefit of Alice Pieszecki's expertise, but we hope it's not short for "gorilla" and that it doesn't refer to hirsuteness. Remember, lesbian soeurs, just because you follow the siren call of Sappho need not mean that Nair is not your friend. Think about it.

At any rate, if it's true, we wish the happy couple much love and much cooking in Martika's kitchen.

A Woman Stands Between You and Harold Dieterle's Meat Balls

Her name is Alicia Nosenzo, and, as Eater tells us, possums, she's Harold's business partner, and the woman who guards the reservation gates at Harold's restaurant, Perilla.

Nosenzo confirms what we might have expected: "There’s definitely some young women who come in who have crushes on Harold."

And the other side of obsessive, unrequited crushes?: "Some people come and are really critical, like they’re judges on Top Chef. We are always happy to hear when someone comes in with low expectations and we are able to greatly exceed them." Spoken like a true no-Nosenzo woman.

Vagaries of Cruel Fête: After Being Ousted from "Top Chef," Katie Lee Joel Uncovers Further Evidence That Cream Does Not Rise to the Top

Following her exit as Top Chef hostess after the first season, we had heard nary a peep about Mrs. Piano Man, Katie Lee Joel. Her role as wooden-faced child bride was taken by another.

We speak, of course, of Katie Holmes.

But now comes word of Mrs. Joel, and it ain't so good.

Oh possums, Sean Combs huffed and Puff'd and blew down her house of cards. According to TMZ, Puff Daddy threw her out of his party for not being sufficiently white. As Miss XaXa put it, "Oh no, he Diddy'nt!"

Well, he did. In all fairness, though, this reverse discrimination came at Puffy's annual White Party (not to be confused with the one in Palm Springs, although, given what happened to Mrs. Joel, one does wonder), when Katie Lee showed up wearing cream, not white.

Mrs. Joel was requested to "change her outfit in order to attend the fete," but she hightailed it home instead. As those sibylline fonts of wisdom from Bananarama put, it's a cruel, cruel summer indeed, leaving her there on her own.

Lee Anne Wong and Bravo Continue Their Commitment to the Refried

As you ought to know by now, possums, there will be no new episode of Top Chef tonight. Rather, there will be a "special" epic-dose of "Watch What Happens" featuring Raggaydy Andy's chest hair (or at least that's what he said on today's now-you-see-it-now-you-don't version of his blog) and umpteen chefs and confessions from all three seasons of Top Chef. In other words, refrying at its finest.

Another fan of frying and refrying is can-do-no-wrong Season 1 contestant and culinary producer Lee Anne Wong. Which is why weren't surprised to read in the New York Daily News that producers of No Reservations, the refried remake of German movie Mostly Martha, "called in 'Top Chef' Lee Anne Wong of the French Culinary Institute to give kiddie cooking lessons to Abigail Breslin for her role."

Naturally we're curious about the film, in which Catherine Zeta-Jones, that well-known lover of extremely well-aged beef, plays an angry and paradoxically frigid chef calmed down and pan-fired, as it were, by a tall blond Mormon with an epically dimpled chin and an unbespectacled and skinny Little Miss Sunshine. Unlike chefs such as Patricia Yeo, poster boy for authenticity, Ilan Hall, has proclaimed the kitchen scenes "pretty realistic."

The German original, though no masterpiece, wasn't just a vaguely, bravely dour and formulaic chick-flick for the heaving, ennobled, NPR-beating bosom of the art house crowd. Rather, it was European Union propaganda, a Brussels wet dream about how the authentic and passionate Italians can show uptight, repressed Germans that all Arbeit and no nookie makes Jürgen a very dull boy. It was a story about the triumph of Andrea Boccelli and sundried tomatoes, and why Tuscany is overrun with Beemers. It was a story about North and South, a trope going back at the very least to Goethe's "Kennst du das Land, wo die Zitronen blühn," and which doesn't translate as well to America, unless you count the Reese Witherspoon vehicle Sweet Home Alabama.

Being shallow and reprehensible, however, we were most curious about, and indignant on behalf of, Oscar-nominated child actress Abigail Breslin. Whenever Renee Zellweger packs on the kilos and stones to play Bridget Jones, she gets praised to high anorexic heaven for looking so skinny after filming is over. However, we see no such praise of little Miss Breslin for dropping that Little Miss Sunshine potbelly and double chin. If Dakota Fanning had gained and lost weight for a role, we'd never hear the end of it. Where's the love for Abigail's lost love handles?

Shiso Fine?: West Babylon Chef Prepares to Face New York Times Nebuchadnezzar

In the latest installment of its weekly BruniBetting feature, Eater reminds us that it is white-knuckle time at 9 Jones St. in New York, site of Top Chef Harold Dieterle's restaurant, Perilla (the moniker is the English name for the Japanese herb shiso).

Frank Bruni, the notoriously prolix and toothsomely purple prose stylist who serves as the feared restaurant critic for the New York Times, will reveal tonight (in tomorrow's edition of the paper) just what he thinks of Perilla.

Since Bruni, gaypo di gaypi of the Gay & Foodie Mafias, can make or break a restaurant with a madcap, stylistically belabored critique, such reviews are anticipated and feared in equal measure. Eater is betting that the West Babylon, Long Island, top chef will get his coveted two stars from Bruni.

Alas, tomorrow night's special, momentum-interrupting, give-us-another-week-to-tweak-and-pump-up-the-remaining-episodes edition of "Watch What Happens," hosted by Raggaydy Andy, will not be live, and so we won't get to see Harold glowing or scowling (at least not about the review).

Über-Biatch Alan Richman Gives Harold Dieterle a Thumbs Up, Sits in Sarah Jessica Parker's Booth, Calls Anthony Bourdain a “Scoundrel”

If there's a bigger biatch than Alan Richman in the world of restaurant critics, we're not sure we'd like to meet him or her. Frank Bruni has nothing on him, possums.

And yet, miracle of miracles, Richman has just given Harold Dieterle's restaurant, Perilla, a rather good review: "fabulous is going too far, but there is little not to like about this pleasant, understated restaurant."

Mind you, the review is not entirely free of biatchiness--Richman doesn't like the lighting, which he calls "assertive," doesn't like the fabric upholstering the booths, and snarks about how Harold wouldn't come out to greet him though he did come out for Anthony Bourdain and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Still, as he says, "Dieterle can cook. He has technique and instincts." That's high praise from anyone, but especially from the Über-Biatch himself. Congratulations, Harold.

Top Chef Harold Dieterle Yearns for Amy's Buns

In a lobster roll, that is, possums.

Describing his dream picnic to Forbes, Harold opted for Prospect Park, Brooklyn, and in addition to that lobster roll--''only if it's on an Amy's bun"--the D-man has a thing for Kettle chips.

Alas, no martinis for Harold. He's a g&t man, a man after our Beefeatin' hearts.

Katie Lee Joel Heats Up the Purple Carpet in Oven Bag

Possums, we looked at this photograph of Top Chef's Season 1 hostess, Katie Lee Joel, taken at the recent Food Network Awards, and we shook our heads in pity.

Well, before the pity came the hunger. When we buy carnitas, the nice butcher chap gives them to us in the exact same bag that Katie Lee is wearing, and looking at her made us long for pork.

At any rate, Katie Lee, possum, it's a nice try, but don't you think it's a case of "too little, too late"? (Actually, Miss XaXa suggested that it was a case of taking a tinfoil hat to the next level, an entire tinfoil collection.)

Sure, you saw Padma Lakshmi become more popular (or talked about, which is all that matters) than you on the second season of Top Chef. You said to yourself, "What does she have that I don't?" As Yul Brynner used to talk-sing in The King and I, that...is...a puzzlement.

After all, both you and Padma have the affectless delivery and slightly glazed look down pat (as well as youth and rich, pudgy, more famous husbands). You rightfully concluded, then, that Padma's whorendous, fugly outfits gave her the edge, and you decided to campaign for your old job back.

Sorry, possum, you're going to have to do better than that outfit which is both oven bag and turkey. The wrinkling is a nice touch (makes us think of the crumpled wrappers on those hot dogs you get outside Costco), but you're going to have to do a lot more to get into the Padma league. Better luck next time.

P.S. The whole Baby Spice/Katie Holmes look is also worrying us. Call us; we can help.

His Name Was Dave Martin; He Was a Show, Girl!

We are, of course, delighted whenever we see news about Season 1 contestant Dave Martin, since, if you recall our very first post ever on this blog, he was the reason Amuse-Biatch was born in the first place. Well, that, and a quickie in the back seat of a Camry + a bottle of Shiraz + a broken condom + a Catholic grandmother who made us keep it.

But we digress.

We learned today from New York Magazine and Gawker that Lola, the New York restaurant for which walking gay tear duct Chef Dave will cook, has just gotten its liquor license, and will open in early February at its new, Soho location. We're not your bitch, bitch, but congratulations, Dave! Get us a Kleenex.

Lola, 15 Watts St., nr. Thompson St.; 212-675-6700.