Katie Lee Joel Heats Up the Purple Carpet in Oven Bag

Possums, we looked at this photograph of Top Chef's Season 1 hostess, Katie Lee Joel, taken at the recent Food Network Awards, and we shook our heads in pity.

Well, before the pity came the hunger. When we buy carnitas, the nice butcher chap gives them to us in the exact same bag that Katie Lee is wearing, and looking at her made us long for pork.

At any rate, Katie Lee, possum, it's a nice try, but don't you think it's a case of "too little, too late"? (Actually, Miss XaXa suggested that it was a case of taking a tinfoil hat to the next level, an entire tinfoil collection.)

Sure, you saw Padma Lakshmi become more popular (or talked about, which is all that matters) than you on the second season of Top Chef. You said to yourself, "What does she have that I don't?" As Yul Brynner used to talk-sing in The King and I, that...is...a puzzlement.

After all, both you and Padma have the affectless delivery and slightly glazed look down pat (as well as youth and rich, pudgy, more famous husbands). You rightfully concluded, then, that Padma's whorendous, fugly outfits gave her the edge, and you decided to campaign for your old job back.

Sorry, possum, you're going to have to do better than that outfit which is both oven bag and turkey. The wrinkling is a nice touch (makes us think of the crumpled wrappers on those hot dogs you get outside Costco), but you're going to have to do a lot more to get into the Padma league. Better luck next time.

P.S. The whole Baby Spice/Katie Holmes look is also worrying us. Call us; we can help.

Clydesdale Horse of the Apocalypse Clip-Clops Down the Runway, Creates Novel Legal Defense for Demented Astronaughty Lisa Marie Nowak

Call it a hunch, possums, but we get the feeling that whoever did Rachael Ray's hair and make-up to go with the unwisely chosen Donna Karan dress for the Heart Truth fashion show held last week doesn't much care for our oft-petted Clydesdale Horse of the Apocalypse. Ray, a television "hostess," cookbook "author," and, by the looks of it, a former linebacker, doesn't seem particularly comfortable as she does her little turn on the catwalk, you know what we mean?

Still, those stylist bitches backstage really did a number on her. Guerrilla bitches, we salute you for making her look embalmed, indeed, almost like a taxidermist's lemur. Talk about fashion roadkill. And to think we might have lived an entire lifetime without being subjected to the nipples of Rachael Ray's Reader-Proven Small Bazooms™.

Still, her whole Six Feet Under look has given us a brilliant idea.

As you may be aware, astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak (alas, doomed ab initio by her parents' choice of Christian names; as the only other famous Lisa Marie is surnamed Presley, need we say more?) has been charged with attempted murder in a James M. Cain-worthy plot in which she, according to The New York Times, equipped her car with "a compressed air pistol, a steel mallet, a knife, pepper spray, four feet of rubber tubing, latex gloves and garbage bags," and drove from Houston to Orlando while wearing a diaper, a trench coat, and a wig to confront her romantic rival at the airport.

Now, a U.S. Naval Academy woman with a master's degree can't simply content herself with ripping the weave off the bitch who is trying to take the affections of another astronaut whose gestures of common courtesy have been magnified into obsessive, stringy-haired amour fou. No, such a woman must needs douse her rival with pepper spray, and plot to kidnap and possibly kill her.

So what does Rachael Ray have to do with all of this? Well, we're getting to that, but it has nothing to do with adultery, or spitting, or lesbian prostitutes (at any rate, as far as we know).

Remember the mocked "Twinkie defense" (yes, we know it never really happened, and has been debunked, but bear with us), which was associated with Dan White, who gunned down San Francisco mayor George Moscone and gay martyr Harvey Milk? Well, it's just possible that space-high Lisa Marie might be able to use something of that concept here, and all thanks to Rachael Ray.

As we reported in December, "NASA asked [Rachael Ray] to create meals for the space shuttle. Thai chicken was the favorite." Captain Nowak is a NASA astronaut, and in fact flew on the space shuttle last year, and was scheduled to work on an upcoming mission. Presumably she's been exposed to Rachael Ray's food as a result. So, we ask you, might she not legitimately assert a Thai Chicken Defense? Might not a Rachael Ray product have driven her over the edge? Might not the chicken dish, created by a woman who may well know what it's like to have her man's affections toyed with, have driven her mad so that she didn't know right from wrong? It's the M'Naughton rule in a delicate coconut-milk curry. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, when faced with this case, we ask you to spit. You must acquit.

Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser Now Certifiably a Whore

Back in December, we quoted from a profile of Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser in the LA Independent, in which Spice Rack discussed her acting career before becoming a chef, including her stint as "a 'hooker with a heart of gold' on the 1980s television 'Wolf.'" Curious about Spice Rack's role on Wolf, we turned to the Internet Movie Data Base (IMBD) and other similar websites, but found no record of her Wolf gig.

Now, let's be clear about something. Contrary to what some readers seemed to believe, we never insinuated that Spice Rack was lying about the gig. The fact that her role on Wolf didn't appear on IMDB was not conclusive; just because a tree doesn't make a sound on IMDB doesn't mean it never fell. As we were reminded, IMDB is notoriously spotty, and Wolf wasn't exactly a top-caliber show attracting careful scholars and archivists.

However, we just received news from a reader that IMDB has woken up to its spottiness, and now Spice Rack is recognized for her role as "A Prostitute" on Wolf. Mind you, IMDB misspells her name as Betty Frasier, and lists the Wolf gig as "Frasier"'s only credit, but it's the thought that counts. As Betty Fraser, Spice Rack has two credits, for playing herself on one episode of Top Chef (which rather begs the question, Just what was she playing the rest of the time?), and for playing "Chef" on Holiday Home Invasion in 2005. Does anyone know anything about this?

But for all of you who wondered, the matter is now, er, laid to rest. According to IMDB, Spice Rack, who is scheduled to return in tonight's finale, was, indeed, a whore.

Padma Lakshmi Weekly Fashion Review: Wherein Amuse-Biatch Contemplates Western Values, Baldness, & the World's 28th Most Beautiful Lady in Red

Quickfire Challenge Outfit

We don't know whether "Mom's" letter has taken the wind out of our sails and inspired us to be nicer, or whether our synapses have just up and quit, but Padma's Quickfire Challenge Outfit appears very nearly to have robbed us of the power of speech. All we can say is, it's Hall of Shame fugly.

We mentioned yesterday that in Mistress of Spices, Padma played "a woman who has grown up in America and adopted western [sic] ways," but we didn't think it was "western" in the John Wayne/Sergio Leone sense. On the other hand, thinking back on it (e.g., the Thanksgiving episode, the firehouse challenge), she does seem to have been working a whole frontier theme this season. She's definitely prospecting for prospects. Westward ho indeed.

In order to placate "Mom," we'll say that we really like her bracelet, and that the hair is looking good, if a little stringy at the ends. But oy, the rest of it. The jeans, combined with the bell-shaped abomination that is her "vest," give her that unfortunate "muffin top" that is the scourge of women everywhere. Only the anorexic look good in those jeans, and no one wants to look at the anorexic anyway.

As for that vest, it makes her look like she is hiding a Kleenex box on either side of her navel. Go ahead, pull out the Kleenex; there's another right behind it. And oy, the itty-bitty lapels, which manage to be both twee and sexually suggestive--never a good combination. Hilary Duff, anyone? And what is it made of? Cambric and chamois? Cheesecloth and felt? Even Ilan Hall's tartare on the plate seems to be blushing in the presence of such fuglitude. What a way to ring in the new year.

This is the sort of outfit that will prompt, and has prompted, many to ask: Who dresses her? Does she have a stylist? If so, will the stylist soon find himself at the bottom of the East River with one of Philip Bloch's newsboy caps in his mouth and a thin mustache drawn on with a Bobbi Brown eyebrow pencil?

Fortunately, button-eyed boy reporter Raggaydy Andy comes through with the answer in this morning's interview of the Padma:

THERE HAS BEEN SO MUCH DRAMA ABOUT YOUR CLOTHES THIS SEASON! DID YOU HAVE A STYLIST OR WHAT?
No I don't have a stylist. Top Chef did have a costumer on the set who worked for all of us and would help us and pull clothes. We would look at what we were going to shoot and what I was going to wear. I change twice - for the quickfire - like at the fish market - and at judge's table.

No stylist. Fancy that. We never would have known.














Elimination Challenge Outfit

We don't have a lot to say about this outfit. The dress generally fits well, and the color is quite good for her. When she mentioned to Ted Allen that the Debi Mazar dinner party was sinful, he said, "So that's why you're wearing a red dress."

However, we're not crazy about the sleeves, which are neither tight enough to be sexy, nor loose and delicate enough to be feminine. They look like the sleeves of a teeshirt that has been worn once too often. And, Padma, would it kill you to wear a little jewelry? Your bosom, though stirring, looks a little unadorned. Perhaps some red taro chips? And we would suggest a tad more make-up, or at least a redder shade of lipstick.

Padma does come through with one fabulous idea, which we intend to appropriate tout de suite. It's a wonder no one has thought of it earlier. It's worthy of Diana Vreeland, e.g., Why don't you, when having glamour photographs taken, have a bald man on either side of you to serve as a reflector? The light is warmer than what you get from a conventional reflector, and picks up the highlights in your hair, and if you're lucky, one of the bald men will be straight.

Speaking of, the other thing that interested us was the position of Tom "Handsy" Colicchio's paw. Now, mind you, we're not implying anything untoward, but that paw on her right shoulder does seem awfully possessive, and Chef Colicchio has been very hands-on where Padma is concerned. We remember a number of challenges where the Colicchio arm has been around her shoulder or her waist (e.g., the Quickfire Challenge during the Thanksgiving episode). Given his general scary leather daddy-bear demeanor, it seems a little uncharacteristic. Just sayin'. (On the other hand, it's always the leather bears who have doilies at home, so go figure.)

It does lead us to something else we've been noticing and that was especially prominent during the last episode, namely, that Padma appears to work better with men. She has been much livelier and more energetic and appealing when the guest judges have been men (e.g., Raphael Lunetta), and she has done especially well with Ted Allen. They make a lovely couple, and he seems to bring out something playful and willowy in her that isn't there when Gail Simmons is around.

But are we overly sensitive, or was there something slightly awkward when the judges "sent" her to get the contestants for judges' table, and she says, "I'll be right back, gentlemen"? It struck us as more "Get us Beer Bong" than "Get us a beer," but still, there was something odd about it. We would have said, "You should go, Tom. You could use the exercise." But that's just us.

Padma Lakshmi Makes Yet Another Lachrymose Gay Man Cry...Uncle

Human vale of tears and Season One semifinalist Dave Martin is the latest armed combatant in the ongoing battle between Padma Lakshmi's outfits and the Gays' twinned senses of fashion and outrage. As we all know, it takes a lot to send Big Gay Dave over the edge, but Padma has accomplished the impossible. From his OutZone blog:

Padma is back as well and who is doing her wardrobe? She looks trampy, sorry but gotta speak my peace [sic].

And:

At the judges’ table, Padma talks about Sam’s sophisticated ceviche with popcorn, did she not see Season One when Harold made a similar dish? Whatever.

Meow! We say, Never put these two in the same dressing room at Barneys.

Big Gay Dave's take on the most passionate onscreen affair since Duel in the Sun and Shaving Ryan's Privates :

Marcel and Ilan start things off by going at it, big time....Marcel is back in the lab and making more foams and leading up to a French press explosion all over everything....Marcel and Ilan are still pissing on each other and both making desserts with chocolate in them.... Ilan slams Marcel at the dinner presentation....

Goodness, we need a moist towelette after that.

And finally:

Tom loves Sam’s dish, how unpredictable, not … and is it me or does he seem angrier than he was on Season One?

That's a double meow with a hair toss there. We're definitely your Amuse-Biatch, biatch.

Padma Lakshmi Weekly Fashion Review

Well, possums, now that Christmas and Boxing Day are over, the lumps of coal are rainin' down a-plenty. In other words, it's time once again for our regular scholarly exegesis of Padma Lakshmi's fashion choices on the latest episode.

Quickfire Challenge Outfit

We admit, possums, that we had high hopes for Padma on the basis of the preview shown the week before the show aired. Cannily, the preview showed only Padma's outfit for the Quickfire Challenge, and only the upper portion at that. We saw a fleeting vision of a black chiffon-looking blouse with what appeared to be ruching, and Padma's hair pulled back into a ponytail. Elegant, classy, restrained...could it be?

As you can see from the photo, it wasn't quite that, but, really, there's not much for us to get worked up about. No, she didn't pair the top with a pencil skirt, as we had hoped, but at least she didn't trot out the Girl Scout shorts. And yes, the top isn't as elegant as it seemed to be, and if you look quickly, it rathers looks like the standard black, Saturday-night muscle-shirt-turned-disco-shirt you might find in Chelsea or West Hollywood. But at least it's not denim, and she's not sporting Farrah hair and a fireman's badge. We do, however, have an issue with the top being open at the midriff. Without wishing to be ungallant, and conceding ab initio that we're no ab initiates (we've always suspected there's a reason "abstinence" begins with "abs"), it does appear (as we have seen from other photographs) that Padma has issues with a little stomach pooch, and so perhaps it might not be wise to expose it like that. Now, now, we're not calling her fat or pointing out any muffin-tops; we're just seeking to spare her unpleasant reminders from people cattier than we (we've been told such people do actually exist).

So, overall, not a wonderful outfit, but not bad either. A fairly good effort, we say. Well-done, Padma, luv; it's a step in the right direction.

Elimination Challenge Outfit

Now, the Elimination Challenge is another story entirely. It's positively whorendous.

Let's start with the obvious. We've got nothing against yellow. It's one of our favorite colors, and it can certainly look festive and elegant (see Michelle Williams in Vera Wang and Cate Blanchett in Valentino at the Academy Awards). But Jesus, Padma, that dress is the color of mustard from a hot dog that fell on your white shirt during lunch and that only now, when it is five o' clock and the stain has dried and stiffened, you are realizing is there. Miss XaXa, being Southern and thus given to more colorful and straightforward invective, put it somewhat less delicately: "She looks like a baby shit smear on stilts."

A color that's all wrong for her skin tone was not the only problem with the dress. In principle, we have nothing against appliqué patterns, and they don't look awful on the skirt, but they're simply too heavy and stiffen the skirt in an unflattering way, preventing it from hanging and skimming in that bouncy 60s style that was no doubt the intention. The stiffness also makes the length seem wrong. The cleavage is appropriate, but ill-fitting. And the sleeves, oy, the sleeves. Was this some kind of Renaissance allusion? Is there some Da Vinci Code message hidden in the pattern? All in all, badly done, Padma, badly done.

Now, in principle, we have no quarrel with Padma's footwear here. Yes, shiny, knee-high boots are a little whorish, a mixture of hussar and hussy, but let us not forget that this is supposed to be a holiday party, and that Christmas derives from the Roman celebration of Saturnalia. And if you can't be a little whorish in an atmosphere of copious alcohol, butter, flour, cream, nutmeg, seasonal affective disorder, loneliness, and mistletoe, where can you strut your "Puss in Boots" stuff? Besides, how objectionable can the boots be if even a gap-toothed, ivory-tickling, butch-femme lesbian Secretary of State can wear them to Germany of all places? Talk about Sourpuss in Boots.

However, all of that being said, we do have an objection to Padma's boots, and it's this. They make her legs look like Mia Gaines-Alt's handrolls in the sushi challenge.

Amuse-Biatch Goes AWOL

Possums, don't you hate it when real life interferes with blog life?

Of course, it would happen on The Night That All Hell Broke Loose on Top Chef, Dolce & Gabbana Were Guest Judges, Padma Lakshmi Wore Yet Another Whorendous Outfit, and Race Reared Its Problematic Head.

So, possums, the long and the short of it is that we were unavoidably detained and missed the show last night.

We know, we know. We did penance this morning not just by donning sackcloth and ashes, but by watching Matthew Perry smirk his way through the Golden Globes nominations, and even underwent that most painful of mortifications, ten straight minutes of The Early Show on CBS.

But we promise we will watch the show tonight, and post, post, post on the morrow to make up for letting you down.