Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Clydesdale Horse of the Apocalypse Clip-Clops Down the Runway, Creates Novel Legal Defense for Demented Astronaughty Lisa Marie Nowak

Call it a hunch, possums, but we get the feeling that whoever did Rachael Ray's hair and make-up to go with the unwisely chosen Donna Karan dress for the Heart Truth fashion show held last week doesn't much care for our oft-petted Clydesdale Horse of the Apocalypse. Ray, a television "hostess," cookbook "author," and, by the looks of it, a former linebacker, doesn't seem particularly comfortable as she does her little turn on the catwalk, you know what we mean?

Still, those stylist bitches backstage really did a number on her. Guerrilla bitches, we salute you for making her look embalmed, indeed, almost like a taxidermist's lemur. Talk about fashion roadkill. And to think we might have lived an entire lifetime without being subjected to the nipples of Rachael Ray's Reader-Proven Small Bazooms™.

Still, her whole Six Feet Under look has given us a brilliant idea.

As you may be aware, astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak (alas, doomed ab initio by her parents' choice of Christian names; as the only other famous Lisa Marie is surnamed Presley, need we say more?) has been charged with attempted murder in a James M. Cain-worthy plot in which she, according to The New York Times, equipped her car with "a compressed air pistol, a steel mallet, a knife, pepper spray, four feet of rubber tubing, latex gloves and garbage bags," and drove from Houston to Orlando while wearing a diaper, a trench coat, and a wig to confront her romantic rival at the airport.

Now, a U.S. Naval Academy woman with a master's degree can't simply content herself with ripping the weave off the bitch who is trying to take the affections of another astronaut whose gestures of common courtesy have been magnified into obsessive, stringy-haired amour fou. No, such a woman must needs douse her rival with pepper spray, and plot to kidnap and possibly kill her.

So what does Rachael Ray have to do with all of this? Well, we're getting to that, but it has nothing to do with adultery, or spitting, or lesbian prostitutes (at any rate, as far as we know).

Remember the mocked "Twinkie defense" (yes, we know it never really happened, and has been debunked, but bear with us), which was associated with Dan White, who gunned down San Francisco mayor George Moscone and gay martyr Harvey Milk? Well, it's just possible that space-high Lisa Marie might be able to use something of that concept here, and all thanks to Rachael Ray.

As we
reported in December, "NASA asked [Rachael Ray] to create meals for the space shuttle. Thai chicken was the favorite." Captain Nowak is a NASA astronaut, and in fact flew on the space shuttle last year, and was scheduled to work on an upcoming mission. Presumably she's been exposed to Rachael Ray's food as a result. So, we ask you, might she not legitimately assert a Thai Chicken Defense? Might not a Rachael Ray product have driven her over the edge? Might not the chicken dish, created by a woman who may well know what it's like to have her man's affections toyed with, have driven her mad so that she didn't know right from wrong? It's the M'Naughton rule in a delicate coconut-milk curry. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, when faced with this case, we ask you to spit. You must acquit.


Anonymous said...

Brilliant defense!


Anonymous said...

Your post contains numerous FACTUAL ERRORS and is mean-spirited.

To whit; Astronut Lisa Marie Nowak is not a "West Point Woman", she graduated from the US Naval Academy in Maryland.

That is not a nipple peaking through the whore-red Beall's Outlet Knock-Off dress. And her bazooms are not "small", per se.

They do, however, bear an unfortunate resemblance (in shape and texture) to bananas.

And that "nipple" you see in your twisted mind, is, in fact, a bite from the normally tranquil Banana Spider (Nephilia clavipes).

May I suggest hiring a fact-checker?


Aunt Zoe

Charlus said...

Mwah-mwah right back at ya, Aunt Zoe. We are correcting the West Point reference immediately. Thank you for your thoroughness, possum.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA!!! Bloody brilliant!

For some snarky fun, check out


Anonymous said...

Actually, I was less than thorough.
I should have added that there are 2 different arachnids commonly called "banana spiders".

The South American variety (phoneutria) injects a powerful neurotoxin similar to that of the Black Widow. They are large, aggressive, and potentially deadly.

The North American (argiope) variety has a chemically similar but far less potent bite.

We'd have to examine Ray's left bazoom carefully to ascertain which variety she encountered.

Vicki said...

For more about RR and the Apocalypse, check out