The Lisa Fernandes Reputation Rehabilitation Tour Continues on “The View”

What the hell happened to Stephen Asprinio? He still suffers from logorrhea and pretentiousness (which it would be hypocritical for us to mock), but he is no longer bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. He is hunched, humbled, and those glasses diminish him. On the other hand, he’d be right at home on a crappy season of The L Word.

Apropos of which, why, oh why, does Whoopi Goldberg set our gaydar off so strongly? And that dance she did when she tasted Lisa Fernandes’ food, and Lisa’s offer of a private lesson—are we delusional following a few all-nighters for work, or was there something, some chemistry, some flirting there? Now Lisa was very bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and she got an on-the-record apology of sorts from Padma for the show’s portrayal of her as anything less than “very, very nice.” That’s quite the coup.

As for Spike “Asshat” Mendelsohn, time has not withered him, nor custom varied his infinite staleness. Every time we watch him on television, our eyeballs feel like they’ve caught an STD.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: The Gayest Episode Ever?

Amuse-Biatch Cocks Its Eyebrow as "Top Chef" Contestants Discuss Female Curves and Swollen Appendages

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Rob, ahem, Baedeker of Forbes Traveler, brings us an article on the most romantic restaurants in America, as picked by contestants from both seasons of Top Chef, and in which the contestants provide food for thought on the subjects of romance, sexiness, and Annie Oakley's trigger finger.

As always, we bring you the cherce bits, seasoned with our gratuitous commentary.

“I’m a sucker for a sunset,” says Harold Dieterle, winner of "Top Chef" season one. And to soak up the day’s last rays over a romantic meal he recommends The Beacon restaurant in Sag Harbor, New York. Dieterle warms to this venue’s top-notch cuisine, “rustic” ambience and magnificent view of the harbor. For even more rustic charm he recommends the Saddleridge Restaurant in Beaver Creek, Colorado, where “old-school Western antiques” like Annie Oakley’s gun lend a meal the romance of the frontier.

Um, we love you, Harold, and you may, indeed, be one of the coolest straight men we've ever encountered, but taking a woman on Valentine's Day to a place named Sag Harbor or Beaver Creek seems a little cruel (should I get plastic surgery?) or overeager (is that all you think about, wading in my beaver creek?). And Annie Oakley? Totally a dyke. Just ask Calamity Jane.

Unblushingly, though not surprisingly, Marisa Churchill favors "finger foods" from, er, The Slanted Door.

Stephen Asprinio, winner of the Duh Award, and amusingly described as a "young chef-entrepreneur" (what, is "sommelier" no longer every other word he utters?), preaches the importance of sexiness. “This sexiness can be expressed through a multitude of design elements, such as a chair shaped to resemble the curves of the female body, or captivating color schemes within a particular décor.” Dude, that's the gayest thing we've heard since Ilan last opened his mouth to talk about his girlfriend. On the other hand, we might be wrong, and it might be the case that straight men consider "captivating color schemes" and think of an Eames chair as a metonymic vagina.

Betty "Spice Rack" Fraser tries to make a sexy pun that falls flat, if you will, telling us that a Valentine's Day meal should include “bold flavors that will excite, if you will, the taste buds....”

Andrea Beaman argues for a Valentine’s Day meal, since “[o]ver-seasoned food can make the diners retain water, and swollen hands, feet and eyes are not conducive to romance....” We can, however, think of other swollen appendages that are conducive to romance.