Spike Mendelsohn Needs a Hand Job from Someone "Willing to Get Down and Dirty"

In what sounded to us at first like an ad from Craiglist's M4M section, Spike "Asshat" Mendelsohn is soliciting someone to help him during the Burger Bash at the 2009 Food Network South Beach Wine & Food Festival, an event hosted by none other than Rachael Ray. Just imagine it, possums: Rachael Ray, Spike, and his fedora and scruff, in the same room, at the same time. Wasn't there a plot point in Lost about preventing this exact confluence of events from taking place, lest the earth rotate off its axis and implode from such concentrated annoyance? (Of course, it should be no surprise that Spike got the date wrong; it's actually taking place tomorrow, February 19, and not March 19. But perhaps that is the earth's way of saving itself; if Spike shows up in March rather than tomorrow, maybe the apocalypse will be averted.)

The Lisa Fernandes Reputation Rehabilitation Tour Continues on “The View”

What the hell happened to Stephen Asprinio? He still suffers from logorrhea and pretentiousness (which it would be hypocritical for us to mock), but he is no longer bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. He is hunched, humbled, and those glasses diminish him. On the other hand, he’d be right at home on a crappy season of The L Word.

Apropos of which, why, oh why, does Whoopi Goldberg set our gaydar off so strongly? And that dance she did when she tasted Lisa Fernandes’ food, and Lisa’s offer of a private lesson—are we delusional following a few all-nighters for work, or was there something, some chemistry, some flirting there? Now Lisa was very bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and she got an on-the-record apology of sorts from Padma for the show’s portrayal of her as anything less than “very, very nice.” That’s quite the coup.

As for Spike “Asshat” Mendelsohn, time has not withered him, nor custom varied his infinite staleness. Every time we watch him on television, our eyeballs feel like they’ve caught an STD.

My !#*&%@%!!!, ‘Tis of Thee: Trying to Be Patriotic, Brian Malarkey Goes Deeply Un-American

It’s not as if we don’t agree with his point, possums, but “o” what a difference one little letter can make.

(We ought to say, by way of disclaimer and confession, that though we were quite rough with him during his season, we have developed rather a soft spot for ol’ Brian. Whatever else one can say about him (and we said it all), he had personality and gave us lots of material, which is more than one can say for a lot of the people who came after him. The little mad hatter himself, perhaps with the passage of time, has become quite a good sport about the whole thing, which is really the best way for cheftestants to play things. We daresay “Asshat” would seem a term of endearment these days, and you know, it would be. And don’t think we missed it when he called us “twisted.” Coming from MFMalarkey, we can think of no higher praise; we practically purred with pleasure.)

As for the substance of his charges, yes, absolutely. In These Troubled Times, we ought to buy American and bitch American. Besides, isn’t it the teensiest bit hypocritical for Bravo, with all its much-touted and much-vaunted “green” initiatives, to bring in a critic with such a large carbon footprint?

On the other hand, as Miss XaXa points out, Toby Young is so full of shit that maybe Bravo thought it environmentally sound to spread all that manure around.

UPDATE: Bravo fixes the country!

Tom Colicchio: “You’ll Never Beat the Cast from Season 3”

This, at least, is what the Ursus Major told Dale Levitski’s mother at the finale of Season 3, held in Chicago just before filming on Season 4 started, as Dale recounts in a new interview with Chicagoist.

Oddly enough, we had of late found ourselves missing those Miami folks. Not that this photograph of Brian MFMalarkey (sans chapeau!) as the Karate-You've-Got-to-Be-Kidding-Me from this past weekend had anything to do with it.

And you know, possums, we did find it terribly telling that this season hasn't been the subject of hyperbolic praise for how much better the contestants are. Most telling of all: Tom saying during Judges' Table on last week's episode that we were in for a "nice" season. Ouch! Don't be so enthusiastic there, Papa Bear.

Other interesting tidbits from Dale's interview:

* He's still living with Season 3's Sara Nguyen, but they don't have cable.

* Of Hung Huynh's victory: "I won, but he got the check."

* He was supposed to appear on Season 4, but had a conflict of interest because it was he who had recommended eventual winner Stephanie Izard to producers.

* His new restaurant still needs investment money. Perhaps certain men from certain Bravo reality shows would be better served by putting their money into a new restaurant venture from a talented chef than by spending it on life-sized plastic dolls who claim to be 29 (yeah, right). So come on, sugar daddies, pony up.

The “Grews” Had a Word for Them: While Cockteasing Raggaydy Andy, Spike “Asshat” Mendelsohn Confirms Jen and Zoi Are Kaput

Seriously, possums, this is a document for the ages. Spike:

* confirms that Jen Biesty and Zoi Antonitsas have broken up, that they had broken up by the time the reunion show came around, that Zoi was “more into the breakup” than Jen, and that, indeed, Zoi brought along a new girlfriend to the reunion! Quel scandale!

* says Ryan Scott has “quite a mouth on him”

* calls Lisa Fernandes “pretty miserable of a person.” He also says he “gave her [his] old restaurant.”

* does his best impression of a red-light district catamite, though Raggaydy Andy doesn’t rise to the bait, other than to say the Greeks are “AC/DC”; what could possibly have given him that idea, Spike? Surely not the pawing, the leering, the giggling, and the suggestive talk? Nah. Anyway, we simply figured that, unlike the blond Navy boy from The Bachelor, Spike simply wasn’t Andy’s type.

* says he hit on Padma during the show. Raggaydy Andy refuses to confirm that Padma is single. Very interesting.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: “Oh” No, She Di’n’t!

You know, possums, sometimes strings of words form sentences, and sometimes those sentences are so beyond the pale in meaning, so utterly absurd, that it seems they must be ransom notes composed by Dadaist monkeys using back issues of Life & Style and the Pennysaver. To wit, take this example from People Magazine’s “Caught in the Act” section:

Sandra Oh, smiling big over the nude scene in Hair: The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical at Central Park’s Delacorte Theater. She sat next to Top Chef’s Spike Mendelsohn, who watched the hippies while eating an ice cream sandwich.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot indeed.

Washington Post Hands Spike “Asshat” Mendelsohn His Ass, Hat

Politely, of course, possums, this being The Washington Post and all. Still, the Post’s review has some cherce bits. While praising the bacon (presumably not Spike’s doing) and the strawberry milkshake, the reviewer singled out the “tough” burgers, the fries that were not crispy “despite having been fried twice,” and the onion rings described as “lumps of mushed-together fried onions that resembled a run-over baby octopus.” WaPo definitely brought the meow, and then some.

The review also mentions that the restaurant’s décor includes “oversize photos of the fedora-wearing Spike.” We don’t know about you, possums, but that would definitely put us off our feed.

More Horse's Ass Than Horse-Hung-Huyhn

Via Gawker.

Update: According to a comment on the original Gawker post from Heather Fink, the auteur of the, er, short film, Bravo has made the priapic Spike take a cold shower: "Sorry guys, the powers that be said I had to remove it for the time being. Oh the awesome power of the boner ..."

We wonder if "the powers that be" were the reason the YouTube video featuring Dale Levitski and Project Runway's Steven Rosengard was so swiftly taken down after we posted it.

Sigmund Freud Rolls in Grave as Drunken Groupie Answers Age-Old Question

As you may know, possums, once upon a time Sigmund Freud asked the most profound question in our history as a species: Was will das Weib? What do women want?

Sad to think that one answer to that might just be: Spike Mendelsohn.

To wit:

[Spike] Mendelsohn says the exposure for him [from Top Chef] was tremendous, despite the drunken groupie who climbed up the side of his apartment building one night. (He says he put her in a cab and sent her home.)

Straight women of America, enlighten us, please.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: “I Know! Can You Believe We’re the Two Remaining Specimens of Manhood on This Show?”

In Shakespearean Monologue About Frozen Scallops and Free Will, Machiavellian Trickster Spike Mendelsohn Decries Bravo’s “Trickery at Its Best”

As apparently free of irony as he was of hats in this interview, Spike—who, if you will remember, engaged in trickery during the block-party and boxed-lunch challenges—railed against (presumably) the show’s producers for providing frozen scallops, calling the move “trickery at its best.” Yes, possums, we also wondered whether he ducked to avoid the lightning bolt coming his way after that statement. Is it any wonder that Anthony Bourdain predicts a bright future in politics for Spike?

Perhaps the most interesting statement of all (alas, sadly clipped by Bravo) was this tidbit about Lisa Fernandes: “You know, she came for a job at my restaurant [Mai House] two days before we flew over here [to film the show], ironically.”

Ah, there; he’s recovered his sense of irony. Is the irony sharpened, we wondered, by the rumor that Spike was fired from Mai House and replaced by none other than Lisa Fernandes?

Guest Judge Rick Tramonto Denies Frozen Scallops, Tom Colicchio Denies the Denial

It goes without saying, possums, that we thrilled to Scallopgate last night, and Spike’s “If I’m going down, I’m taking your reputation with me” stance. Let’s be honest; all of us had the same question of guest judge Rick Tramonto, and for all his asshattery, Spike had the gumption to ask it. We thought that Tramonto himself handled Spike’s jab rather graciously, but of course it don’t look real good for a restaurant of such aspirations to have frozen scallops on hand.

In his interview with Bravo, Tramonto categorically denied any knowledge of the existence or provenance of frozen scallops in his walk-in freezer:

Bravotv.com: Spike won the Quickfire and got to choose his proteins ... the big scallop question: Did you know there were frozen scallops in the pantry?....

No, didn’t know there were frozen scallops in there. We never ever purchase frozen seafood, so it isn’t anything that’s kept in my coolers normally. In the real world, when you’re a chef, you may get something you didn’t order from the purveyor, or there are other people there accepting your product and it does make it into your cooler, but you as a chef need to know when there is an inferior product, and you need to be able to say no. As a top chef, your quality conscience needs to be at a top level. Spike failed that test.

Ok, fair enough. Now here is Ted Allen’s take on the matter:

So an issue that comes to my mind, and one that Spike unwisely and impertinently (if fairly) raised at Judges’ Table, is this: Why *were* there giant bags of frozen scallops in Rick’s walk-in? Perhaps he uses them in some kind if mousse, or other dish where the superior sweetness and texture of fresh shellfish isn’t required? I’m not going to ask Rick that question -- he clearly didn’t like it.

Oh dear. Ah, but take a look at what the Tom Colicchio, who himself presides over a burgeoning steakhouse empire, had to say:

Rick Tramonto took Spike to task over this, which brought on Spike’s feisty reply, “With all due respect, the scallops were in your walk-in.” My heart sunk when I heard this because I’ve known Rick for years and can say with certainty he doesn’t use frozen seafood in his restaurant. Along with the high-end steaks they had provided for the show, Allen Bros. had included a variety of other products to round out the restaurant’s existing stock, including frozen scallops, which is how they came to be in Tramonto’s walk-in. I learned later that Rick knew this when we taped the show, but chose not to make a federal case out of it. But as a colleague and fan of Rick’s, I feel it’s important to set the record straight.

Oh, so, contrary to his denial, Tramonto did know there were frozen scallops and knew how they got there. This seems just the teensiest bit awkward. Paging Scott McClellan!

Oh, and is it just us, or are scallops cursed? After all, the wee coquilles St. Jacques have disposed of two cheftestants in a row.

Update: Apparently, Tramonto's PR rep is claiming the scallops were planted by Bravo.

Further Update: Now Tramonto says the scallops were, in fact, planted by Bravo's production team to trip up the cheftestants (what Spike calls "trickery at its best"): “Their team purchased all the food and put it in the coolers,” [Tramonto] explained, saying he felt that most people realized it was part of the challenge. He just wants to set the record straight. “They put those in the mix to see ... who would use them or not.”

Also, when our pal Meredith at Chow.com asked Spike about the scallops, she had her hand slapped in best Dana Perino fashion by the Bravo publicist. Could this be the same Bravo publicist who told The Chicago Tribune, of the scallops, “Sounds like there’s something fishy going on here …”?

Yet Another Update: Tom Colicchio responds to our post.

Amuse-Biatch Is Shocked—Shocked!—as Spike Mendelsohn Confesses to Being a Pothead

MFMad Hat(t)er Involved in Doppelgängerbang

Well, possums, it seems that the Season 3 cheftestants are having a bad case of the Doppelgänger. First, Dale Levitski went after this season's Richard Blais like yo momma with the hairbrush for, among other things, his signature fauxhawk: "The hair I will take as a “compliment?” … but also a hack job …." Meow.

And now, Brian MFMalarkey is going after Spike Mendelsohn, ranking him last because, as he so awkwardly puts it, "You are wearing a very similar hat to me."

And, possums, we understand.

The legal test in trademark matters is risk of confusion, and when your capital as a Top Chef contestant is limited to annoying personality trait + annoying fashion accessory, what's to distinguish you from the next scrawny putz in a deerstalker? It's absolutely enough to bring on an existential crisis even in people whose personalities aren't so shallow that an ant would drown in them.

So, possums, a little compassion, please.

Asshat’s Off! Yay Lesbian!

Well, possums, if we’ve said it once, we’ve said it once: She who laughs lez laughs best. That, mind you, is a corollary to our other life motto, Never piss off a lesbian, the justness of which a certain Mr. Mendelsohn has just found out the hard way.

Eater is reporting that, in a twist that makes us gurgle with Schadenfreude, Spike Mendelsohn has been fired from Drew Nieporent’s restaurant, Mai House, only to be replaced by none other than Lisa Fernandes.

Come on-a Mai House indeed.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Exclusive! New “Batman” Villain, Asshat, Revealed!

Ahoy, MFMatey!: The Return of Brian MFMalarkey

Reading and writing about Casey "Beaver Boots" Thompson, and then turning our gaze to the current season's mostly lusterless roster of cheftestants, made us, we confess, ache with nostalgia for Season 3.

In fact, so dire is our nostalgia that we even began wondering about one of our all-time favorites, Brian "Asshat" MFMalarkey, who managed to combine Spike Mendelsohn's penchant for repellent headwear with Ryan Scott's prettiness, loquacity and smarm. Indeed, the fact that it takes two of this season's cheftestants to gather up the personality of one cheftestant from last season may say all that needs to be said.

Imagine our bliss, possums, when we discovered that MFMalarkey has started to post videos of himself on YouTube. One occasionally reads about drug users dying from taking heroin that is too pure and unadulterated, and we feared the same might happen to us after viewing this clip. It's all there--the not-to-be-believed hats, the loquacity, the smarm, the self-regard, the preposterous homoeroticism, and, as a bonus, a laugh so maniacal that it might have come from the very attic of Mr. Rochester's house in Jane Eyre. Enjoy!

Amuse Biatch Says, "Thanks for the MFMemories" (and the MFMention!)

Oh, Possums, he reads us! He really reads us! Fast forward to the last 45 seconds and listen closely. (Confidential to Brian: it was all Charlus!) ;)

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: MFMalarkey Climbs Brokeback MFMountain, Amuse-Biatch Says, "Chapeau!"

Of Asshats and Tinfoil Hats: Another Spoiler Alert?

Again, possums, blame all of this on the lack of a new episode this week, and the usual warnings apply, i.e., if you don't want to be exposed to possible spoilers, read no further.

For those not so inclined, listen to our cockamamie reasoning.

Last week, our pal Lesley at Eater LA provided a little spoiler information of her own, relating what happened when she attended the Western Foodservice & Hospitality Expo in Los Angeles:

[W]e found ourselves in the 'beer garden' (natch) standing next to a woman with an Oceanaire/San Diego, CA badge. Why...cheftestant Brian Malarkey works at the Oceanaire! Always one to take advantage of a situation, we asked the co-worker: "Hey, did Brian win?" OK, maybe we thought we'd trip her up. Conniving? A little bit. Results? Nada. The woman's eyes widened, then she paused, smiled, shrugged, looked away and kind of giggled. "I don't knoo-oooow..." This, in that way that suggests, "Yes, I know, but of course I'm not going to tell you crazy stranger." Then she added: "I probably know more than most people because I'm friends with his wife." Honestly, if you were there, it was painfully obvious Brian made it pretty damn far in the competition.

And then today Amuse-Biatch reader CB advised us to look at the MySpace page maintained by Brian "Asshat" Malarkey's wife, Chantelle, and as we thought of Lesley's post ("I probably know more than most people because I'm friends with his wife"), our little antennae began to quiver. The quivering intensified when we remembered how, last season, Ilan Hall telegraphed on his MySpace page that he had won by playing the Scrappy song "Money in the Bank."

So, on her MySpace page, Mrs. Malarkey, "Chantelle Chanel" ("Wasn't she a contestant on Flavor of Love?" asked Miss XaXa), has the Chanel logo as her wallpaper, and says that her interests include "luxury living," "gold," "diamonds and jewels," "CA$H money," and the music she likes includes that of "Johnny Ca$h." To our way of thinking, either she suffers from outsized cupidity or she knows there's "Money in the Bank." Might Asshat have won the whole thing?