Tom Colicchio Refuses to Give Us a Watered Down Version of “Say Bitchay”

Possums, we just hate it when others are bitchier than we; it makes us feel like we’re not living up to our name. But when Tom Colicchio does it, it doesn’t bother us at all, especially when it seems he is reading our mind:

The only thing I didn't like about this challenge was the voting power invested in the young culinary students, who, I'm afraid, tended to vote personality over palate….Also -- Top Chef All-Stars? It might be a stretch to say so: Some didn't make it more than half-way through their season's competition. Andrea was eliminated not once but twice, and not one of the members of the “All-Star” team made it to their season's finale....

Exactly, possums. Still, who knew bears could meow?

Reunited and It Feels So...Meh

Some of you have asked, possums, and the answer is yes, we did watch the reunion special. And yes, we ought to have written about it yesterday, but frankly, we were still simmering a little from the bait and switch. For a couple of days at least, Bravo had been running promos for the reunion practically on a loop, during which the newly chipmunk-cheeked Dale Talde was seen sternly saying, “That is the one thing I am not going to talk about now,” or words to that effect. So of course, there is nary a sign of that statement, or the circumstances that prompted it, when the reunion actually airs. Not to put too fine a point on it, but WTF?

If we’re a teensy bit cross, it isn’t because we think, though we had hoped, that Dale’s statement (or the question that led to it) would have contained some earth-shattering revelation. Rather, it’s because the bait and switch manifests a lack of respect for the audience and (justifiable) lack of confidence in the show.

We’ve admittedly come a ways from the first season reunion, which included free-flowing alcohol, and the second season, when there was no reunion because of a well-based fear that first- or second-degree homicide might be broadcast on national t.v., but really, to paraphrase original chefbian Gertrude Stein, there was not a lot of there there.

And from the other clips posted on Bravo’s website, it appeared as though there was another reunion show, a more entertaining and revealing one, that, because of editing, we simply didn’t get to see. Mind you, the impression that we got from the reunion show that did air was that there was another more entertaining and revealing Top Chef: Chicago that, because of editing, we simply didn’t get to see. Look, we understand that with so much footage, and only around 40 minutes per show, editing choices have to be made; we’re just puzzled that so many of those choices fell on the less entertaining side of the line.

Perhaps this was the year of the woman, or the year of the chefbian, or perhaps it was decided that rampant if unconscious homoeroticism—er, “bromance”—was so last season, Howie-and-Joey. And yet. This is Bravo, for fag’s sake. How they could have resisted airing, “I’m not gay but I’d probably let him bang me,” is absolutely beyond us. Andrew D’Ambrosi as a power bottom—who knew? (It becomes even more entertaining when paired with another unaired clip from the season where Andrew talks about how Richard always comes in and takes charge, and he, Andrew, loves it.) Or Spike’s unconsciously revealing statement, “We’ll be boys forever”; yes, Spike, that’s exactly the problem, BFF or not.

Still, there were a few things we liked about the reunion special:

There was the moment when Andrew was told that viewers suspected he was smoking something stronger than cigarettes, and those naughty Bravo editors cut to Padma Lakshmi. That was the most lowdown, dirty thing on the show, and it was great. Eisenstein would have been proud, boys!

And how about the implication by Raggaydy Andy that Mark’s was a green card marriage to avoid having to leave the U.S., and Mark’s seeming concurrence? The “man soup” (or should that be “man stew”?) footage certainly won’t help his interview with the immigration authorities, will it? That’s how we think Mark would say it; the reunion made us miss his deadpan delivery all over again.

Having seen a copy of the application that contestants seeking to be on Top Chef have to sign, we understand how onerous the contestants' promotional obligations are; potential contestants sign away their lives. We remember the brouhaha over Harold Dieterle being forced to participate in that shticky, Season 1 vs. Season 2 cook-off thing that aired right before Season 3. He was busy with his restaurant, and did not want to participate, but, according to newspaper reports, his feet were held to the contractual fire and he had to schlep down to Miami anyway. As such, we had to smile when Richard Blais thanked Bravo for allowing him to participate via satellite from Atlanta, instead of having to miss the birth of his first child in order to schlep to New York to participate in the thankless reunion.

Well, Bravo, so much for our culinary boner.

Exclusive! DSM-IV Releases Video Companion

For your reference, possums.

More Horse's Ass Than Horse-Hung-Huyhn

Via Gawker.

Update: According to a comment on the original Gawker post from Heather Fink, the auteur of the, er, short film, Bravo has made the priapic Spike take a cold shower: "Sorry guys, the powers that be said I had to remove it for the time being. Oh the awesome power of the boner ..."

We wonder if "the powers that be" were the reason the YouTube video featuring Dale Levitski and Project Runway's Steven Rosengard was so swiftly taken down after we posted it.

The Sous-Chefs Speak Out

Andrew D'Ambrosi On Premeditated Assault, How Season 4 Almost Became Season 2, How the Judging Is Erratic, and How There Is a Lack of Integrity

Andrew D'Ambrosi on why he didn't hit Lisa Fernandes: “I signed that contract; I’m not allowed to do things. Otherwise there would have been 400% more headbutts than any other season.”

Then, in the most tantalizing--and, alas, abruptly edited--bit, Andrew and Spike discuss how Andrew planned to throw Dale Talde out a window at the "Top Chef" house after the cameras left, presumably the same night as Dale's legendary, crotch-grabbing outburst.

Andrew: “That crazy night where he yelled at everybody, I told him to shut the f up, and he didn’t shut up, and I went away for a little bit. And I came back down and he was still crying, and I’m, like, ‘Dude, you have undeserved anger,’ and for some reason that set him off….He tried to, like, run at me, and Blais tried to, like, hold him…” And that’s where Bravo cuts the tape.

Amuse-Biatch Is Shocked—Shocked!—as Spike Mendelsohn Confesses to Being a Pothead

Culinary Boner Goes Down

Hobbit Finally Finds the Ring

Well, possums, Mark Simmons may feel that Tom Colicchio doesn't like him, but, fortunately for him, it seems that he finally has found someone who does. In his interview with BuddyTV, Mark announces that he got married almost a week ago.

It's a shame he couldn't have waited for the "Wedding Wars" episode, but our congratulations go out to Mark and the missus. Andrew "Fatboy Slim" D'Ambrosi attended the wedding, perhaps in defiance of the constant vigilance of Big Bravoer (because, apparently, cheftestants are not supposed to have contact with each other between their departure and the finale). No word on whether fellow mermaid Spike Mendelsohn was a guest. Which reminds us: Just a word of caution, Mark, possum; marriage (to a woman) means you can no longer take champagne bubble baths with men.

Sacré Bleu Cheese!: Bravo Washes Mouth Out with Soap

Well, possums, what a difference a week and a little soap make! It appears that Bravo’s editors have tempered the show’s sheer cussedness. This week’s episode was entirely devoid of maternal copulators, and overall profanity use was down 38.8%.

The biggest surprise of all was Andrew D’Ambrosi, whose profanity use was down a whopping 83.3%. Indeed—whether as a result of better medication (Miss Xaxa’s theory is that big-bad-biker-pussy(cat)-cum-“soul chef” Erik Hopfinger either is or should be sharing his meds with Andrew) or editorial “soap”—it was rather a nice touch to have Andrew turn aside after his disqualification during the Quickfire Challenge to utter the simple yet telling, “Poo.” And last week’s number-two curser, Dale Talde, had a mouth that was 33.3% cleaner. Come on, Bravo, it’s time to bring on Orbit gum as a sponsor.

The biggest surprise of the week was the rise of the dirty girls’ club. Last week, the women made up only 22% of the cursers, but this week, 71% of the cursers had two X chromosomes. Defying the overall downward trend, Stephanie Izard was the week’s biggest curser, with a 40% increase in the use of profanity. Well done, possum!

And the Abbie Goes to....

Possums, what with the writers’ strike this year, we felt deprived—deprived! we tell you—of our yearly dose of meaningless awards. To remedy that problem, we have decided to create our own. And so, Amuse-Biatch (i.e., “A-B”) presents the inaugural handing out of the Abbies.

Awards will be handed out on a weekly basis, and the winners will each receive a Golden Possum (well, as soon as we can catch one and spray-paint it gold).

We encourage you, possums, to submit nominations for future awards, and will post the best ones. And so, without further ado (drumroll, please).

*Best Argument for Banning Meth Use During Pregnancy and Outlawing Exposure to Hip Hop and Hispanics for White Boys in Their Formative Years: Andrew “Casa, Motherfuckers. Oh What Phatness!” D’Ambrosi



















*Best Repeated Use of Editing Cut to a Black Muslim Woman to Show Just How Shocking—Shocking!—a Lesbian Relationship Is, with the Hope That Said Black Muslim Woman Will Say Something About Allah and Sodomites to Create Drama on Season’s First Episode: Bravo Editors (Sergei Eisenstein would be proud!)

*Best Use of Subliminal Advertising: The moment when, after being dressed down by the judges, Nimma Osman was shown sitting against the wall of Glad products while saying, off-camera, “There’s people that are glad that it’s over with….” Bravo, hast thou no shame?














*Best Use of Artfully Disheveled Hair by a Previously Disgraced and Overcoiffed Chef Who, Accused of Being a Little Light in His Kitchen Clogs, Seeks to Combat Rumors by Butching It Up: Rocco DiSpirito.

To which Miss XaXa said, “Seriously. It’s like he wanted to convince people with that hair that the pizza delivery had caught him in the middle of topping Padma’s deep dish. As if.”

*Best Former Culinary Bad Boy Defanged by Wife and Child: Anthony Bore-dain

*Best Use of Potato-Dumpling Metaphor by Pot to Call Kettle Black: Pretty boy Rocco DiSpirito, for saying of pretty boy Ryan Scott, “It’s not just his gnocchi that were dense.” Aw snap! (Or should it be, Aw two snaps?)

To which Miss XaXa said, “Why don't you just call it the Hate-Fuck of the Week Award?”

*Best Shaggy-Haired Mentor Who Won’t Get Off a Chef’s Back (And Yes, Rocco Is Disqualified): The Yoda backpack sported by Stephanie Izard.

Sacré Bleu Cheese!: The Cooks and the Raw (Language)

Anthony Bourdain, Bill Buford and others write of chefs and kitchen workers as outcasts, toiling daily in a fiery furnace of profanity and ego. Though Michael Ruhlman mourns the loss of this atmosphere as the professionalization of cookery advances, to our maiden-aunt ears it nonetheless seemed very much alive during the premiere of Top Chef. 'Twas a veritable symphony of beeps.

But we clutched our smelling salts and set to work tallying and analyzing the week's profanity for your benefit, possums. We will keep a weekly count, and name an overall winner at the end of the season.

To start, it should come as no surprise that this week's winner, by a veritable Tourette torrent, is Andrew D'Ambrosi. Oy, just what is this red-nosed "kid," "cat," and "competitor" on? Then, when Padma said, "We asked you to pack up to $200 of ingredients that you cannot live without," Miss XaXa said, "Aha! Maybe he packed a little Bolivian ras el hanout?"

We know very little about these matters, but just how much could $200 possibly buy you? And what happens when it runs out?

Tune in next week to find out.