Amuse-Biatch and the Issue of Prejudgment Interest

Oh, possums, how our nonexistent little hearts have fluttered for weeks each time we heard the Bravo announcer jauntily intone, “From the producers of Top Chef….”

It’s just the sort of clarion call to which our hearts have previously responded. Indeed, who among us hasn’t experienced an expectant swoon upon hearing, “From the makers of Metamucil” or “From the producers of White Chicks”?

And so it is with great delight that we awoke today, knowing that tonight is the premiere of I’m a Celebrity Chef (I Wish!), Get Me Out There….

Ah, just a minute, possums, Miss XaXa is pointing to the press release and mouthing something. It appears the show is actually called Top Chef Masters.

Dang it, we think there ought to be a colon in there, the way there has been for Top Chef: Miami, etc. After all, without the colon, the show’s title seems redundant (if they’re top chefs, they’re also masters, n’est-ce pas?) or misleading (if they’re supposed to be the masters of Top Chef, then that arguably means only Harold Dieterle, (God spare us!) Ilan Hall, Hung Huyhn, Stephanie Izard, and, ahem, Hosea Rosenberg). And so, for as long as we’re blogging the show, we’re going to call it Top Chef: Masters. (See, possums? 90 days have not done away with our streak of pedantry.)

Not having seen the show, we will, for the next several hours, withhold judgment. We will admit, though, that there are troubling signs. The reviews we’ve read have focused on what a kinder, gentler version of Top Chef this is. No liquor, no bunk beds, no nookie, oy vey. Indeed, the New York Daily News refers to Top Chef: Masters as a “wade in the kiddie pool” (and means it as a compliment!). What has the world come to?

As for the replacements for Tommy, Pads, and the gang, well, we will know in due time (though we think it most unsporting and, again, potentially misleading, that the original teasers for Top Chef: Masters contained no indication that the Gang of Four would not be back in their roles). We will say this, though, based on the video below. Kelly “Padma Lite” Choi seems far too nice for the job. Dare we say we will miss the Pads, who can go from cannabimbo to ice princess in the flip of her Pantene’d locks? (Hey, we’re not knocking her Pantene gig; how else are you going to wash the smell of a Carl’s Jr. burger out of your hair?)


Apparently, Top Chef: Masters will be a “tournament-style” competition (we’re told by reliable jocks that this has something to do with the sports world) in which the 24 chefs (some of whom actually qualify for the title of “master”) will do their darnedest to score some scratch for charity while trying to prevent their (in some cases incipient) television careers from taking a hit. With that in mind, we have as of now established but one ground rule: We will not make fun of anyone’s chosen charity. Not, of course, because we’re incapable of it, but, rather, because who the hell wants to tickle the bony ankles of bad karma In Times Like These? As for everything else, it’s fair game. Gird your loins, luvs.

Last Season’s Top Chef, Stephanie Izard, on Whether Padma Lakshmi Follows the Acapulco Golden Rule

Possums, as much as we like and appreciate last season’s Top Chef winner, Stephanie Izard, we cannot help but concede that she, being a cautious and intelligent sort (drats!), hasn’t always given the most thrilling of interviews (although perhaps in these Caseygate times, that’s not such a bad thing). So it is with great pleasure that we perused one of the liveliest Izard interviews to date, where she discusses her soon-to-open restaurant in Chicago and how she is confident she will beat Hosea Rosenberg during their upcoming cook-off in Aspen. But our favorite exchange was this:

Q. Settle a rumor: Does Padma like to share her weed or no?
A. Does she seem like the type who shares? That would not be very diva would it?

“Top Chef” Product Placement Too Shameless and Not Shameless Enough

So claims Product Placement News:

First of all, the product was not used or included in any of the cooked meals. Needless to say, it was an inorganic product placement. Secondly, the product had too many camera shots, which made the placement blatantly obvious. Lastly, some critics felt strongly that the chefs were forced to drink Dr. Pepper. After all, true chefs are always after the flavor and meals/drinks without sugar just don’t fit the profile.

But Betty “Spice Rack” Fraser and a visibly uncomfortable Stephanie Izard sure fit the profile, right?

(You know, possums, now that we think about it, we’d totally watch a remake of Two Fat Ladies featuring Betty and Ariane. Wouldn’t you?)

Tom Colicchio: “You’ll Never Beat the Cast from Season 3”

This, at least, is what the Ursus Major told Dale Levitski’s mother at the finale of Season 3, held in Chicago just before filming on Season 4 started, as Dale recounts in a new interview with Chicagoist.

Oddly enough, we had of late found ourselves missing those Miami folks. Not that this photograph of Brian MFMalarkey (sans chapeau!) as the Karate-You've-Got-to-Be-Kidding-Me from this past weekend had anything to do with it.

And you know, possums, we did find it terribly telling that this season hasn't been the subject of hyperbolic praise for how much better the contestants are. Most telling of all: Tom saying during Judges' Table on last week's episode that we were in for a "nice" season. Ouch! Don't be so enthusiastic there, Papa Bear.

Other interesting tidbits from Dale's interview:

* He's still living with Season 3's Sara Nguyen, but they don't have cable.

* Of Hung Huynh's victory: "I won, but he got the check."

* He was supposed to appear on Season 4, but had a conflict of interest because it was he who had recommended eventual winner Stephanie Izard to producers.

* His new restaurant still needs investment money. Perhaps certain men from certain Bravo reality shows would be better served by putting their money into a new restaurant venture from a talented chef than by spending it on life-sized plastic dolls who claim to be 29 (yeah, right). So come on, sugar daddies, pony up.

Speak, Memoir: Stephanie Izard

According to the New York Daily News, Stephanie Izard has written a memoir to be called Tasting Menu: Why Food Equals Life, Why Restaurants Equal Soul & Why Cheese Makes Me Happy. The book is supposed to provide a "female perspective" on Chicago's best restaurants.

Rhubarb Bellini, She's Our Baby, Rhubarb Bellini We Don't Mean Maybe

Never let it be said, possums, that we don't listen to what you say. Ask and ye shall receive (well, within reason, of course).

You asked for the recipe for Stephanie Izard's rhubarb bellini, and we set out to get it. Miss XaXa wrote to Stephanie, asking how to make the rhubarb puree to be added to the champagne or prosecco, and this is the reply from Stephanie herself:

thanks for your interest in the rhubarb bellini. umm... i don't have the exact measurements but here's a quick guesstimate, 4 cups of chopped rhubarb 1 cup of sliced strawberries, 1/4 cup of white balsamic vinegar and half a cup of sugar and cook in a pot until tender then puree!

In addition, Stephanie confirmed that she will be participating in the Chicago Green City Market Chefs' Summer BBQ Festival on July 17 from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at Lincoln Park. Proceeds go to support the non-profit Green City Market, which, as you may remember, played host to one of this season's Quickfire Challenges. Other participating chefs who also appeared as guest judges this season are Rick Bayless, Paul Kahan and Koren Grieveson. So if you want to meet Stephanie, be sure to get your tickets.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: There's a First Time for Everything*

*by which we mean, possums, not just that Stephanie Izard is the first female Top Chef, but, rather, that for the first time in memory, while taking a photo with a cheftestant, Miss XaXa did not show cleavage. (And sorry, Google pervs, Stephanie didn't show any cleavage either.)

At the reception in her honor, held a few hours ago at Chicago's Le Passage, Stephanie Izard proved as charming, earthy, and unaffected in person as she appeared onscreen. Rather than manifest abject terror when faced with one half of Amuse-Biatch, Stephanie got into the swing of things and had a good dish with the 'Xa. (Mind you, the 'Xa had been rendered perfectly harmless by two (or three?) of the Stephanie-created rhubarb bellinis.)

Between Scylla and Charisma: Stephanie Izard Becomes First Female Top Chef

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Antonia Lofaso’s Pigeon Peas ARE Fully Cooked, Thank You Very Much

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Miranda, Carrie and Charlotte Try to Ignore SaMANtha’s Sex Change

Amuse-Biatch Answers Possum Request

Earlier today, an anonymous possum pleaded, "Can we get some Stephanie cleavage?" Never ones to ignore our possums' pleas, we set to work. Alas, this, possum, is the best we could do on such short notice, but it does have the virtue of having been taken in Puerto Rico during the filming of tonight's finale. Enjoy.

In Wake of Final Primary, Superdelegate Amuse-Biatch Makes Fan Favorite Endorsement

Well, possums, it was quite a hectic weekend, we don’t mind telling you, at Amuse-Biatch headquarters as the Rules and Bylaws Committee (Miss XaXa and yours truly) met in a marathon session. Protesters wielding torches, pitchforks and frozen scallops amassed outside the gates of Withering Depths, our baronial seat, daring to brave the lashing rain of the Snarkshire Moors. Inside, Miss XaXa (ah, the importance of commas), having stood all day in her Louboutins, demanded to be seated.

Fortunately, following a well-lubricated, three-hour lunch, a compromise was reached.

Contrary to what you might imagine, the dispute was not about deciding between Richard Blais and Stephanie Izard, both competent and likable individuals. Miss XaXa argued (and continues to argue) that Stephanie is her favorite, the one she’d most like to take out for duck confit and wine. And yet, as likable as Stephanie and Richard are, there was another contender, and for the sake of blog unity we had to consider who had been the best for the blog. Who was the most fun to write about, who gave us the most material (just look at all the posts we wrote), who could not ever open his mouth without pearls—nay, entire pearl necklaces—of smarm falling out?

The choice was clear.

And so, sports fans—er, possums—even though we were not his favorite, he is ours. Amuse-Biatch is proud to endorse Ryan Scott for fan favorite.

Inspired by Chris Marker’s “La Jetée,” Amuse-Biatch Presents a Foodie Photoroman

Possums, once upon a time, in the era of the Restaurant Wars, the chef whose story we are about to tell decided to serve not only shank and loin...













but also rack....
















For dessert, she served cheesecake.


















Padma Lakshmi was none too pleased that anyone would dare show more cleavage than she.
















And yet she somehow ended up with sticky fingers, which, as ever, she felt obliged to lick in front of the menfolk.

















For their part, Bravo's sponsors were "Glad."
















And Bravo's editors were suggestively happy, too.
















Fin. The End.

And now, possums, if we may be serious just for a moment, and if you have 20-odd and 20 odd minutes to spare, do take a look at one of the coolest films of all time, the inspiration for Terry Gilliam films and David Bowie videos, “La Jetée.”

Amuse-Biatch Presents Fireworks for Memorial Day Weekend as Pot(head) Calls Kettle Asshole

Amuse-Biatch Is Shocked—Shocked!—to Discover That Bravo’s Editors Are Pervs

Examine this shot-by-shot sequence, possums, of the winning team at Judges’ Table and draw your own conclusions. We don’t know about you, but we would also have liked slow pans up Richard’s and Antonia’s chests as well.





















Yeah, hi, Bravo editors, my eyes are up here.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Cheftestant Pleads for Help After Being Trapped Inside One of the Glad Family of Products

Amuse-Biatch Answers Possum Query #1

Possums, let's face it, shall we? The most recent episode was dull, dull, dull--for, oddly enough, the participants appeared to enjoy themselves more than we in the audience did.

This generally violates the rules of reality television, and left us, as you no doubt have noted, very little to work with. We are therefore turning to answer your queries and questions, possums, insofar as we are able.

Without further ado, then, let us turn to Possum Query #1: Is Stephanie Izard a lesbian?

Judging by the number of you who have inquired, the question has been weighing on your minds. Miss XaXa comes down firmly on the side of "nope, straight girl." We, on the other hand, are not so sure. Needless to say, we don't know, but all we can say is, Look at the evidence and decide.

Amuse-Biatch Department of Corrections: Yet Another Bravo Freudian Slip

Top: Jennifer Biesty's Quickfire Challenge dessert. Bottom: Stephanie Izard's Quickfire Challenge dessert.

So what does it mean, possums, what does it mean when Bravo can't tell you apart?

Did Raggaydy Andy Suffer a Lip Slip?

As you must all know by now, possums, The New York Times just last week tackled chefs and their potty, potty mouths, paying special attention to this season's cheftestants on Top Chef.

It seems somehow fitting, then, that Raggaydy Andy Cohen's own loose lips may just have let something slip. It's what we found when we read a blog entry by Pete Wells, the reporter who penned the piece:

Reporting the article, I interviewed Andy Cohen, the Bravo executive responsible for Top Chef. Before he got down to talking how much bleeping this season’s contestants have required, he suggested, out of nowhere, that The Times run an article on how many female chefs there are. We’ve done that, I told him, impatient to move on to the gutter language. But now I’m wondering if he was inadvertently telling me something about the outcome of this season. After all, no woman has won yet. So I’ll just toss that into the rumor mill.

Interesting, of course, but we don't at all believe that Raggaydy Andy was revealing the winner of the show, quite simply because the finale has not yet been filmed and the winner not yet chosen. However, we do believe something was revealed, because take a look at what then happened on Wells' blog entry:

UPDATE: Andy Cohen called this afternoon to say I’d misquoted him in this blog. He claims the article he suggested to me was about “lesbian female chefs.” That’s not what I heard and it’s not what I took down in my notes, but the phone he was speaking on during that interview didn’t pick up every word he said, and I had to ask him to repeat himself several times. I never asked him to repeat the remark about “female chefs,” though. So it’s quite possible that he’s right and the word “lesbian” was dropped.

Uh-huh, yeah, right. As one of the post's commenters notes, "lesbian female - That would have been a bit redundant, no?" Indeed it would, particularly coming from someone who is openly gay himself. So, as polite as Wells is being in his equivocating, we're going with the Gray Female, er, Lady on this one.

So what's the upshot of all of this? Our guess is, two women in the final four, Stephanie Izard and likely Antonia Lofaso as well.

Sacré Bleu Cheese!: Bravo Washes Mouth Out with Soap

Well, possums, what a difference a week and a little soap make! It appears that Bravo’s editors have tempered the show’s sheer cussedness. This week’s episode was entirely devoid of maternal copulators, and overall profanity use was down 38.8%.

The biggest surprise of all was Andrew D’Ambrosi, whose profanity use was down a whopping 83.3%. Indeed—whether as a result of better medication (Miss Xaxa’s theory is that big-bad-biker-pussy(cat)-cum-“soul chef” Erik Hopfinger either is or should be sharing his meds with Andrew) or editorial “soap”—it was rather a nice touch to have Andrew turn aside after his disqualification during the Quickfire Challenge to utter the simple yet telling, “Poo.” And last week’s number-two curser, Dale Talde, had a mouth that was 33.3% cleaner. Come on, Bravo, it’s time to bring on Orbit gum as a sponsor.

The biggest surprise of the week was the rise of the dirty girls’ club. Last week, the women made up only 22% of the cursers, but this week, 71% of the cursers had two X chromosomes. Defying the overall downward trend, Stephanie Izard was the week’s biggest curser, with a 40% increase in the use of profanity. Well done, possum!