Photoessay: “If I Keep My Head Down, Maybe He’ll Go Away; Besides, I Already Look Like I Shaved My Head, and Bisexual Hung Has a Full Head of Hair”

Andrew D'Ambrosi On Premeditated Assault, How Season 4 Almost Became Season 2, How the Judging Is Erratic, and How There Is a Lack of Integrity

Andrew D'Ambrosi on why he didn't hit Lisa Fernandes: “I signed that contract; I’m not allowed to do things. Otherwise there would have been 400% more headbutts than any other season.”

Then, in the most tantalizing--and, alas, abruptly edited--bit, Andrew and Spike discuss how Andrew planned to throw Dale Talde out a window at the "Top Chef" house after the cameras left, presumably the same night as Dale's legendary, crotch-grabbing outburst.

Andrew: “That crazy night where he yelled at everybody, I told him to shut the f up, and he didn’t shut up, and I went away for a little bit. And I came back down and he was still crying, and I’m, like, ‘Dude, you have undeserved anger,’ and for some reason that set him off….He tried to, like, run at me, and Blais tried to, like, hold him…” And that’s where Bravo cuts the tape.

Knight's Lady in White Satin: Amuse-Biatch Throws a Moody Blue Fit Over a Fugly White Fit

Padma, possum, tsk, tsk, tsk. We understand wanting to look smashing at the Emmys, but, as in the case, smashing so often turns to smashed. There's no two ways about it--the dress is too tight. Our heterosexual brethren may disagree, but so be it. White is an unforgiving color, and satin is an unforgiving fabric. Together, they're spectacularly unforgiving. In fact, we haven't seen anything so unforgiving since our mother found out she would never have a daughter-in-law. And, oh, possums, we wish we could bring you the photo of Tom Colicchio and Padma posing on the red carpet, Padma towering over him in wrinkled satin, Tom sporting a boxy jacket and ugly shoes. If we had a heart, it would be broken. And to add insult to injury, Top Chef lost the Emmy to The Amazing Race. All of Ilan Hall's efforts were for naught.

Update: Here it is, possums.

Ilan Hall Falls into Thom Browne Fool's Daze

Possums, we'll get into the substance (ha!) and smarm of what Ilan Hall said at a later time. For now, we just wanted to utter our best Munchian scream at what Ilan Hall is wearing. (For the moment, ignore the lanky, morally challenged, surly diabetic lesbian sitting to his left. Oh, that's Sam Talbot, you say? And you say he's straight? And you say that there's absolutely no symbolic content to a prime Clippergate participant getting a buzz cut? Ok, we'll take your word for it.)

Never mind showing up in a tuxedo at 8:30 a.m., which is when this reunion was shot. What we deplore is, first, the terrible fit and too-short pant-legs on the tuxedo. We are tempted to blame the gay, prissy, tyrannical, obsessive-compulsive men's designer du jour, Thom Browne (take that, Tom Ford), who is known for just this sort of look. It's certainly a low point in highwater pants.

More disturbing is the lack of socks. We've been meaning for ages to write a post about socklessness and foot fetishism on these Bravo shows, but our brain cells rebel at the thought. Suffice it to remember the stink over Jonathan Adler's stockingless feet on Top Design, Tom Colicchio's sockless appearance on Top Design as well, Raggaydy Andy's live online sock striptease for a fetishist in New Mexico, Colicchio's continued sockless (even barefoot) jaunts in the Season 3 promotional campaign, together with barefoot Ted Allen, and a barefoot Padma Lakshmi kicking up water. Something is definitely afoot.

Breaking News: "Clippergate" Has a "Happy Ending" for Bravo

Possums, say what you will (and we did) about last season's orgy of clippers, saffron, foam, pulsating homoeroticism, demonic possession, bad outfits and misdemeanor battery, it definitely made for good television.

And today, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences (more art than science, really) recognized this, giving Top Chef a nod in the "Reality-Competition Program" category. Bravo is also celebrating the unfortunate and likely award cannibalization in the same category with the nod for Project Runway.

In the meantime, Raggaydy Andy is promising "Full Release Massages for everybody!" Now, that's our kind of workplace.

Amuse-Biatch Plays Consigliere to Joey Pickles

As you ought to know by now, possums, Amuse-Biatch tries, whenever possible, to be of service to the cheftestants. And it is in that spirit that we write today.

Based on the teaser clips of what’s to come “on this season of Top Chef,” it certainly looks as if “aggressive” Joey Pickles needs the most help, what with that damned “Italia” shirt, the profanity, the threats, the debased Damon Runyon poetry of taunts about being a man.

Granted, Joey is no Frank Terzoli—we haven’t heard any threats to beat a cheftestant so badly his own mother won’t recognize him—and we haven’t seen any clippers being pulled out.

Still, you know, we worry, especially since the vibe, the unspoken message, we get from the interaction between Joey Pickles and Howard Kleinberg is, “This show ain’t big enough for two short, fat, ethnic, hypermasculine guys with regional accents.”

But Joey, possum, before you do anything rash (such as beating us up for calling you “possum”), consider this. When we heard, after the threat-and-Clippergate bonanza of Season 2, that Top Chef was moving to Miami, we snarkily speculated that the assault and battery laws must be more lenient in Florida than in California.

Turns out we were wrong. To wit:

Chapter 784.011 of the Florida statutes defines an assault as “an intentional, unlawful threat by word or act to do violence to the person of another, coupled with an apparent ability to do so, and doing some act which creates a well-founded fear in such other person that such violence is imminent.” Chapter 784.03 defines battery as occurring when a person “[a]ctually and intentionally touches or strikes another person against the will of the other.”

By contrast, California Penal Code section 240 defines assault as “an unlawful attempt, coupled with a present ability, to commit a violent injury on the person of another,” and Section 242 defines battery as “any willful and unlawful use of force or violence upon the person of another.”

The Florida standard is a lot easier to meet. For battery, all you need is intentional touching of a person against her will, whereas California requires force or violence.

So watch yourself, Joey Pickles. Watch yourself, possum, er, buddyboy.