The Inner Queen Inside Amuse-Biatch Is Screaming to Know Where Padma Is and What She Is Wearing

No, seriously, possums, what is she wearing? Is that any way to welcome people to New York?

Oh Padma, how can poor Richard Sweeney go back to those queens in the San Diego gay bar and tell them you were dressed like Pete Doherty? You owe your gays a little something, and you'd better step it up.

Johnny Iuzzini: Metrosexual Avenger or Avenger of Metrosexuals?

Looking through the Bravo photo album for this episode, we came across these pictures of guest judge Johnny Iuzzini (and kudos to Bravo for fixing the spelling of his and his restaurant’s names so quickly, though it might be churlish of us to point out that the name of the restaurant, Jean Georges, does not have a hyphen), wearing two different shirts for the Quickfire Challenge, one of which did not make it on the air. How very metrosexual. What gives?

Breaking News: Padma Lakshmi Hits Chicago, Wears Tight Pants

We know, possums, we know. We're just as shocked as you that, as The Chicago Tribune's blog is reporting, Padma Lakshmi would be wearing "a vivid purple knit top and dark tight trousers tucked into snappy boots" at Chicago's Green City Market while filming the new season of Top Chef.

Of course, it's too early to judge, but this bodes well for the Padma Lakshmi Weekly Fashion Review next season. If you want no potential spoilers or information of any kind save for that description of Padma's wardrobe, read no further.

The rest of you should feel free to head over and read the story, which provides some interesting tidbits, including:

* There are 15 cheftestants again, none of whom has a mohawk, though there are "a couple faux hawks," and "one very skinny chef with messy hair [who] buy[s] apples."

* The Quickfire Challenge being filmed at the Green City Market is to "[c]reate a 'fully realized entree' using just five ingredients from the market.... The chefs will be allowed to use oil, sugar, salt and pepper when they return to the kitchens, those ingredients not counting against their five."

* A commenter says the supermarket for next season will be "the new Whole Foods at Halsted and Waveland." We don't know very much about Chicago, but isn't Halsted the lifeline of Boys' Town?

Amuse-Biatch Rhetorical Q: Is It Just Us or Does Eric Ripert Look Gayer Every Time We See Him? Also, Is Hot-to-Trout Padma Channeling Calamity Jane ?

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi has finally "run through [her] summer wardrobe"

Knight's Lady in White Satin: Amuse-Biatch Throws a Moody Blue Fit Over a Fugly White Fit

Padma, possum, tsk, tsk, tsk. We understand wanting to look smashing at the Emmys, but, as in the case, smashing so often turns to smashed. There's no two ways about it--the dress is too tight. Our heterosexual brethren may disagree, but so be it. White is an unforgiving color, and satin is an unforgiving fabric. Together, they're spectacularly unforgiving. In fact, we haven't seen anything so unforgiving since our mother found out she would never have a daughter-in-law. And, oh, possums, we wish we could bring you the photo of Tom Colicchio and Padma posing on the red carpet, Padma towering over him in wrinkled satin, Tom sporting a boxy jacket and ugly shoes. If we had a heart, it would be broken. And to add insult to injury, Top Chef lost the Emmy to The Amazing Race. All of Ilan Hall's efforts were for naught.

Update: Here it is, possums.

Breaking News! “Top Chef” Health Scare: Padma Lakshmi Suffers Broken Irony Meter

Is there any other explanation, possums, for Padma Lakshmi saying, “Looking good and making the most of what you have is what Miami is really all about,” in this outfit?

Sergeant Pepper should be court-martialed, the Sioux warrior put out to pasture, and Kipling’s Raj lieutenant banished to the Hindu Kush. We’re afraid, possums, that Padma has had a relapse. She’s dressing herself again. (“And stealing blue pants from MFMalarkey’s…er…closet,” Miss XaXa pointed out.)















We thought the rehabilitation and di-vest-ment had been successful, but those damned vests are back (check out this week’s Padma vlog on Bravo’s website). Padma, possum, if the '80s and the decade’s signature salmon-mousse canapé are out, then so are the '80s and the decade’s signature vests. Is it time to bring back the Padma Lakshmi Weekly Fashion Review? Did Padma get her vests from the cast of Full House?


As for guest judge Michael Schwartz, to use his own words against him, “What the fuck is that?” For someone who is so focused on what “look[s] great” and on “presentation,” it seems dubious to go around looking like Edward G. Robinson in The Ten Commandments.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Brian MFMalarkey Tries to Remember How Padma Lakshmi Got Into His Pants