Amuse-Biatch Parlor Game: Actual Sam Kass Quotes That We Would Like Him to Repeat—in Bed

Never mind about that last one, possums--different speaker, different parlor, different game.

Previews: Self-Regarding Asshole Alert (Todd English Is Back); Cheftestants Go Topless

Seeing How the Sausage Is Made

And there’s a lot of gristle in that sausage, possums, if the above is any indication. We came upon that on Television Without Pity, where poster SisterOfSylar said the tidbits came from a friend with access to inside information.

We have, of course, no way of knowing whether any of these tidbits are true, but if they are, they help to make sense of other events.

For example, during many of his post-win interviews, Hosea Rosenberg oddly discusses how demoralized he was after his make-out session with Leah Cohen, which doesn’t make a lot of sense. Earlier, we theorized that remorse on the part of Leah and Hosea was not necessarily the result of their consciences needling them, but, rather, “a product of discovery, a realization that their encounter would be televised, and would have consequences.” And if Il Colicchio did indeed have to do a finger-wagging chat with the two lovebirds, it makes this theory of ours all the more plausible. And it’s easy the stress from a fruitless attempt to convince editors not to show the make-out footage.

In any case, very interesting, possums, very.

(Click on the picture to enlarge it and read the details of Scott Conant-Fabio-Colicchio Italian-offs, Colicchio-sick-making food, and avuncular ursine scoldings.)

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others: Amuse-Biatch Celebrities Difference, Even on Rocco Ground

And for anyone who still has doubts that Rocco DiSpirito is straight, his outfit on the episode should clear things up. What Gay would be caught dead in that?

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: What a Difference a Letter Makes

Amuse-Biatch Has Eyes Wide Shut in Anticipation of Season Finale

Well, possums, if the image of a naked Stanley Kubrick orgy featuring a masked Emeril Lagasse is more than your non-chubby-chasing imagination can stand, perhaps you'd best take a little Klonopin before tonight's episode.

Toby Young Fesses Up, Feels Fat

When Worlds Collide: Toby Young’s First-Meeting Faux “Pads”

So, possums, want to know what happened the first time the 28th Most Beautiful Lady in the World met the man whose shtick is How to Lose Friends and Alienate People?

From the October 3, 2008, edition of The Scotsman:

“I recently boarded a flight from New York to London with my family and noticed that Salman Rushdie was on the same plane…I thought to myself that the last person you’d want on a flight from JFK to Heathrow when your wife and four children are on board is one of the biggest terrorist targets in the world. The next day I happened to be introduced to Padma Lakshmi [Rushdie’s estranged wife] at a party. And I thought it would be funny to tell her the story.” How did she respond? “She just sort of smiled and nodded.” Does he get that a lot? “Um, yes.”

Ah, possums, isn’t that eloquent response typical of our dear Pads?

My !#*&%@%!!!, ‘Tis of Thee: Trying to Be Patriotic, Brian Malarkey Goes Deeply Un-American

It’s not as if we don’t agree with his point, possums, but “o” what a difference one little letter can make.

(We ought to say, by way of disclaimer and confession, that though we were quite rough with him during his season, we have developed rather a soft spot for ol’ Brian. Whatever else one can say about him (and we said it all), he had personality and gave us lots of material, which is more than one can say for a lot of the people who came after him. The little mad hatter himself, perhaps with the passage of time, has become quite a good sport about the whole thing, which is really the best way for cheftestants to play things. We daresay “Asshat” would seem a term of endearment these days, and you know, it would be. And don’t think we missed it when he called us “twisted.” Coming from MFMalarkey, we can think of no higher praise; we practically purred with pleasure.)

As for the substance of his charges, yes, absolutely. In These Troubled Times, we ought to buy American and bitch American. Besides, isn’t it the teensiest bit hypocritical for Bravo, with all its much-touted and much-vaunted “green” initiatives, to bring in a critic with such a large carbon footprint?

On the other hand, as Miss XaXa points out, Toby Young is so full of shit that maybe Bravo thought it environmentally sound to spread all that manure around.

UPDATE: Bravo fixes the country!

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Season 5 Guest Judge Dayana Mendoza Universally Acknowledged to Give Padma Lakshmi a Run for Her Bikini'd Money

Ah, possums, another beauty queen, another nekkid pic scandal. Only this time she looks to be a Top Chef guest judge as well. Imagine that. After all this time, another occupant at Judges' Table with a portfolio of "arty" black and white shots!

So, this is the newly crowned Miss Universe, Dayana (pronounced, à l’américaine, “Diana”) Mendoza, who recently filmed an episode of the upcoming season of Top Chef in which the cheftestants had to cook for an AIDS charity benefit. You will no doubt be relieved to discover that the "arty" photographs, discovered after her coronation, will not cost Dayana her rhinestone crown, though they are sure to win her many a loyal subject in the Top Chef audience.

Amuse-Biatch Invites You to Play “Name That Cheftestant”

So, possums, we came across this photo of the current Miss Universe, Venezuelan Dayana Mendoza, and one of the cheftestants from the still-filming season of Top Chef. Any of you know the name of this goatee'd, vaguely toothsome lad? The photo was taken during the filming of a Top Chef challenge at an amFAR event in New York City on August 6, 2008.

“Top Chef” Caught Foo(d) Fighting at Thanksgiving, Told to Grohl Up

An anonymous commenter let us know, and now The Rochester Democrat and Chronicle (yes, really) confirms, that last Monday, July 28, the Foo Fighters taped an episode of Top Chef. According to this, the show in question is the Thanksgiving episode.

Doing It for Zoi: The Return

So it turns out the finale took place during Lisa's girlfriend's birthday, and Lisa wanted to win so she could buy the girlfriend something nice with the hundred-thou. And it turns out Dan Barber has a personality and is adorable, and Richard is funny and geeky about Star Wars (shocker, that). So why didn't we get to see all of this stuff during the regular broadcast? For one thing, it might have livened up a rather pro forma finale. We rather suspect we didn't see it because, by humanizing Lisa and showing Richard as less of a victim, it detracted from the predetermined narrative arc.

Guest Judge Rick Tramonto Denies Frozen Scallops, Tom Colicchio Denies the Denial

It goes without saying, possums, that we thrilled to Scallopgate last night, and Spike’s “If I’m going down, I’m taking your reputation with me” stance. Let’s be honest; all of us had the same question of guest judge Rick Tramonto, and for all his asshattery, Spike had the gumption to ask it. We thought that Tramonto himself handled Spike’s jab rather graciously, but of course it don’t look real good for a restaurant of such aspirations to have frozen scallops on hand.

In his interview with Bravo, Tramonto categorically denied any knowledge of the existence or provenance of frozen scallops in his walk-in freezer:

Bravotv.com: Spike won the Quickfire and got to choose his proteins ... the big scallop question: Did you know there were frozen scallops in the pantry?....

No, didn’t know there were frozen scallops in there. We never ever purchase frozen seafood, so it isn’t anything that’s kept in my coolers normally. In the real world, when you’re a chef, you may get something you didn’t order from the purveyor, or there are other people there accepting your product and it does make it into your cooler, but you as a chef need to know when there is an inferior product, and you need to be able to say no. As a top chef, your quality conscience needs to be at a top level. Spike failed that test.

Ok, fair enough. Now here is Ted Allen’s take on the matter:

So an issue that comes to my mind, and one that Spike unwisely and impertinently (if fairly) raised at Judges’ Table, is this: Why *were* there giant bags of frozen scallops in Rick’s walk-in? Perhaps he uses them in some kind if mousse, or other dish where the superior sweetness and texture of fresh shellfish isn’t required? I’m not going to ask Rick that question -- he clearly didn’t like it.

Oh dear. Ah, but take a look at what the Tom Colicchio, who himself presides over a burgeoning steakhouse empire, had to say:

Rick Tramonto took Spike to task over this, which brought on Spike’s feisty reply, “With all due respect, the scallops were in your walk-in.” My heart sunk when I heard this because I’ve known Rick for years and can say with certainty he doesn’t use frozen seafood in his restaurant. Along with the high-end steaks they had provided for the show, Allen Bros. had included a variety of other products to round out the restaurant’s existing stock, including frozen scallops, which is how they came to be in Tramonto’s walk-in. I learned later that Rick knew this when we taped the show, but chose not to make a federal case out of it. But as a colleague and fan of Rick’s, I feel it’s important to set the record straight.

Oh, so, contrary to his denial, Tramonto did know there were frozen scallops and knew how they got there. This seems just the teensiest bit awkward. Paging Scott McClellan!

Oh, and is it just us, or are scallops cursed? After all, the wee coquilles St. Jacques have disposed of two cheftestants in a row.

Update: Apparently, Tramonto's PR rep is claiming the scallops were planted by Bravo.

Further Update: Now Tramonto says the scallops were, in fact, planted by Bravo's production team to trip up the cheftestants (what Spike calls "trickery at its best"): “Their team purchased all the food and put it in the coolers,” [Tramonto] explained, saying he felt that most people realized it was part of the challenge. He just wants to set the record straight. “They put those in the mix to see ... who would use them or not.”

Also, when our pal Meredith at Chow.com asked Spike about the scallops, she had her hand slapped in best Dana Perino fashion by the Bravo publicist. Could this be the same Bravo publicist who told The Chicago Tribune, of the scallops, “Sounds like there’s something fishy going on here …”?

Yet Another Update: Tom Colicchio responds to our post.

Johnny Iuzzini: Metrosexual Avenger or Avenger of Metrosexuals?

Looking through the Bravo photo album for this episode, we came across these pictures of guest judge Johnny Iuzzini (and kudos to Bravo for fixing the spelling of his and his restaurant’s names so quickly, though it might be churlish of us to point out that the name of the restaurant, Jean Georges, does not have a hyphen), wearing two different shirts for the Quickfire Challenge, one of which did not make it on the air. How very metrosexual. What gives?

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Does Little Miss Not-So-Much Sunshine Promise There Will Be Blood?

On the left, Koren Grieveson, of Avec Restaurant in Chicago; on the right, Paul Dano, of Little Miss Sunshine and There Will Be Blood.