In Shakespearean Monologue About Frozen Scallops and Free Will, Machiavellian Trickster Spike Mendelsohn Decries Bravo’s “Trickery at Its Best”

As apparently free of irony as he was of hats in this interview, Spike—who, if you will remember, engaged in trickery during the block-party and boxed-lunch challenges—railed against (presumably) the show’s producers for providing frozen scallops, calling the move “trickery at its best.” Yes, possums, we also wondered whether he ducked to avoid the lightning bolt coming his way after that statement. Is it any wonder that Anthony Bourdain predicts a bright future in politics for Spike?

Perhaps the most interesting statement of all (alas, sadly clipped by Bravo) was this tidbit about Lisa Fernandes: “You know, she came for a job at my restaurant [Mai House] two days before we flew over here [to film the show], ironically.”

Ah, there; he’s recovered his sense of irony. Is the irony sharpened, we wondered, by the rumor that Spike was fired from Mai House and replaced by none other than Lisa Fernandes?

Refried Been There, Done That: Lisa Fernandes

[Possums, there are posts that sometimes seem premature, as later events make them more topical than when originally published. For this reason, we have decided to inaugurate a "Refried Been There, Done That" feature. To start, we have this post on Lisa Fernandes, originally published on March 12.]

Lisa Fernandes: Canadian. Christian Siriano Fan. Self-Proclaimed Bitch. Dirty, Dirty Girl. What's Not to Like?

Really, possums, just take a look at the testimonials:

Dale Talde: “Lisa, without a doubt…[,] had the worst fucking attitude ever. She was just negative…She'd tell people when she was gassy….”

Manuel “Memo” Treviño: “Lisa [has the worst attitude this season].”

Evangelos “Spike” Mendelsohn: “I’d have to say Lisa [has the worst attitude this season]. She’s a very angry person….[She has the worst personal hygiene.] Gotta wash that bandana, you know what I mean?”

Lesbian with an attitude. Fellows that were in the mood.

To be bitchy.

Oh, wait.

Lisa Fernandes: “I’m rude. I’m a bitch.”

Well, that would seem to settle that. So imagine our surprise when we saw what she told AfterEllen.com about the experience of being on Top Chef:

“People are like, ‘Oh, you’re on a reality TV show,’ but that’s not what it is. It’s not about finding out the gossip, or putting people in stupid situations to see who sleeps with whom and who beats who up.”

Oh, possum. Clearly, you never saw Season 2. Or Season 3. Or read this blog.

Perhaps underneath the gassy, mushroom-flinging, sweaty-bandana’d surface, she’s just a nice, idealistic Canadian girl?

As Self-Proclaimed Asshole Dale Talde Learns, Lesbian-Bitch Karma's a Bitch

So let's get this straight, possums.

Dale Talde--a self-proclaimed asshole who, in his own words, has "no off button," and who, if the testimonials are to be believed, reduces servers to tears and makes them quit--went off on Lisa Fernandes because of her negative attitude? Oh how we cackled with glee.

For, you see, Little Dale was about to learn one of the basic rules of life. Never, ever--and we mean, ever!--piss off a lesbian. Normally gentle creatures, when angered they can hold a grudge--and a softball bat. End result? Broken kneecaps. Dale, Dale, Dale, tsk tsk. Lisa's resemblance to Rosie O'Donnell is no mere coincidence.

But let's be frank, shall we? Dale wasn't angry because of Lisa's "negativity." Pas du tout. Instead, Dale--who is Asian, works at Buddakan, and prides himself on his mastery of Asian cuisine--was out-Asianed by a white chick from Toronto. And Asian Asian-food expert Ming Tsai Tsaid so. As sports fan say, "That's gotta hurt."

So how did this shake out? Let's see. Lisa won the Elimination Challenge, the admiration of Ming Tsai, and an expensive and luxurious trip to Italy. Dale won the Elimination Challenge, and a Top Chef football jersey and a gas grill for his New York apartment. Need we say more? We hope you've learned your lesson, Dale.